Thoughts By Jen...

Tonight.

2011-10-13T22:33:00.002-05:00

There's a big girl in my house, sound asleep, curled up with her favorite stuffed animal, blankets tucked in tightly around her body in what she calls her bedtime "cocoon."

There's a little boy in my house, sound asleep, curled up with his favorite stuffed animal, blankets thrown on the floor because he likes his legs "chilly" when he sleeps.

There's a baby girl growing in my belly, who is kicking and moving more and more each day, who will complete our family in more ways than we can possibly imagine in just a few short months.

And me? I'm here. Relishing in the silence. Wanting to scoop each of them into my arms and whisper how wonderful and amazing they are. How very blessed I am to be their mama.

I sit here just thinking. The good and the bad. The amazing miracles in our lives. The struggles, daily, to make it all work.

Even though there are dishes that need to be done, boxes that still need to be unpacked, and a myriad of other tasks that need to be done, I still feel at ease.

What a welcome change!

Joyful Beginnings

2011-07-07T01:21:00.001-05:00

God works in mysterious ways.

We are so joyful in His plan for us in the upcoming year.

How did I get so lucky?

From smiling faces to french braiding hair. From fireworks to family picnics and meeting wonderful family members for the first time. From gleeful exclamations of our happy news to questions and concerns from those who love us most. From planning and decision making to resting in the knowledge that life is a gift.

Life IS a gift. I will not take that for granted.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.2

More.

2011-04-04T19:32:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm outside my body looking in at my life.

There are so many things I want to do, so many places I want to be, so much I want to happen, but I often feel like I'm just a bystander. I have no control over what is happening.

I want and want and want, and yet I can't make anything happen.

The actions needed sometimes don't happen.

Why?

Why can't I push myself for the things I so desperately want?

The idea of work is sometimes exhausting. It will take some serious hard work to achieve some of these things.

But the payout is so amazing. Why isn't that enough motivation?

I'm always aching for more.

I'm content in the here and now, but my heart (and my arms) are always aching.

I suppose that means I'm not really content.

But I hate the idea of NOT being content with the wonderful things I do have.

These thoughts in my head, and these feelings in my heart, tangle with the truths of my reality.

Hello, it is wayyy past my bedtime!

2011-02-19T00:12:00.002-06:00

The burst of spring that embraced our community the last few days was just the spark I needed to get motivated.

I cleaned most of my house.

Laundry, clean! SCORE!

Dishes, too!

Homework is caught up.

Babies have been played with, fed, bathed, and are now content and fast asleep.

I sat down and started working on the business plan that I have been putting off for...two years?

Maybe it's been three.

Ideas, ideas, ideas, I'm exploding! Always, constantly, consistently. But that's all I do.

I just sit around and explode.

Tonight I exploded onto a piece of paper. That's a step in the right direction!

It's supposed to snow again this weekend, and I'm ready for that.

I made it through my "dark months," which are probably the "dark months" or weeks or whatever for most of the country that gets trapped inside due to below freezing temps and piles of snow. I made it through.

Baby Boy's birthday in just a few short weeks. Then softball season, and that means spring will officially be here.

I. Am. Ready.

Who's the slacker?

2011-02-17T11:55:00.002-06:00

It ain't me, people.

Okay, it totally is.

I haven't blogged in a couple weeks.

There is a pile of dishes near the sink that I warn my son to stay away from because they are much taller than him and I'm afraid he'll get lost.

Don't go in the basement.

And the homework. OH. THE. HOMEWORK.

Who's idea was it to go back to college, anyhow?

It couldn't have been me. That would have been crazy.

*sigh*

I'm off to slackity slack some more. It's the cool thing to do.

I can.

2011-01-24T21:20:00.004-06:00

Today I take a big step into a new venture.

I've created the groundwork for my virtual assistance company.

I've purchased a domain for the non-profit I plan to create to help those less fortunate.

I've recognized the need for further prayer on what will happen with our growing family, or perhaps non-growing family.

I have had a hard time focusing this last week, but today I feel better and more on top of things.

I have more work to do. I am an ever-changing work-in-progress. But I continue, each day, to keep moving forward.

Recognizing the need for more prayer in my life.

Recognizing the need for more effort in the little things that are the most important to my family.

Recognizing the love I have from my husband, children, family, and friends.

Recognizing that I can do this.

I Dream...

2011-01-21T21:47:00.002-06:00

Love got me thinking. (check out her blog - one of my most favorite reads!)

What do I dream of?

Happily ever after. Which is, really, much of my reality. Hard to believe sometimes. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Warm sheets and blankets fresh from the washer. Cuddled in bed together, kids and all. Our little family.

New shoes. Softball season. A college diploma.

A good book. A large fountain pop. Ben and Jerry's Snickerdoodle ice cream.

Getting closer to God. Letting Him mold these ideas that keep popping into my head and helping me find the path I'm meant to travel on.

Giving up my problems to Him.

Babies. And more babies. And more babies!

Shopping trips and singing in the car and lunch dates and playing dolls with my best girl.

Becoming a foster family. Adopting a baby who needs our family.

Creating a non-profit that really inspires change.

Cuddling and dancing and playing cars and coloring with my baby boy.

Letting myself feel the happy.

Forgiving. And being forgiven.

A house with room enough for us all to move about freely, but not too big that we forget to spend time together.

A date night alone with the man of my dreams, even if we never leave our comfy little house.

A fireplace. A window seat. A garden that is able to take care of itself because I often forget.

Notebooks. Pens. Stationary. Writing freely.

Post-it notes!

I dream of feeling even more loved and even more complete than I do at this very moment.

This isn't just a list of dreams...it's a list of what I'm grateful for. That sweet little girl, that precious baby boy. The husband who loves and supports my every dream and wish. The friends. The family. I'm so grateful.

I still dream for more. I'm working on putting in place the seeds to make these dreams happen.

It'll happen. I know He has something big in store for us. And if this is already it? That's pretty great, too. :)

Thinking.

2010-12-04T10:27:00.001-06:00

My heart feels like there's so much more to come.

I don't know what the future holds, but I feel like God keeps hinting at me with the possibilities.

But I'm also suddenly and painfully aware of how quick that can all be taken away.

I marvel at the imagination and creativity of my little ones. I struggle with whether I give them enough.

I struggle with how deeply I want to help children without families, and wonder how my own babies would feel about sharing their favorite lap with others.

It's the season of love, forgiveness, and inspiration. I'm open to all of it.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Memory Lane - My Pink Shirt

2010-10-15T09:49:00.003-05:00

I was pretty young. 7, 8, 9 years old maybe?

The boy down the street died. He was in his 20s, very young, newly married I believe, and he had been in an accident at work. From my recollection, something about a machine being turned on and a piece of it flying out and lodging in his head. He never woke up. His poor parents and young wife had to make the decision to take him off life support.

This is the first funeral I remember going to.

After the fact, I tried to remember what I was wearing the day he died. I feel like it was my favorite shirt - it was like a pink baseball shirt over a long sleeve black shirt. It was very comfy, and I loved it.

Soon after, maybe it was months, maybe it was years, but I was about 10 years old, my best friend from my neighborhood's dad died in a horrible car accident. He was a police officer and had been traveling to drop off some documents and was hit by what I always thought was a car hauler. I guess I don't know for sure, as you only hear bits and pieces of things when you are 10.

From that day on, I won't drive anywhere near car haulers. They make me sick to my stomach.

I still sometimes see his dad's truck drive down my street.

I visit his grave site sometimes. I'm not sure why. He was a big piece of my childhood, I guess.

He scared the crap out of me.

I broke his garage window once with a basketball. I ran home, freaked out, and hid in the bathroom for hours. He came looking for me, and my grandma told him I had diarrhea. Embarrassing, yes, but it bought me some time! When my parents got home, they forced me to go down and apologize. I did, and he gave me a big hug and told me not to be afraid of him.

I used to think he would be my father-in-law someday. He even talked about it with my mom, how fun it would be for their kids to get married one day.

The day he died was one of the most traumatic days of my life. And to think, if I was that upset, I can't even imagine how his son felt.

His niece knocked on our door crying, and I swear she had said that my friend had died. It took me a minute to realize it was his dad. I was paralyzed. I walked with my mom next door as she went to tell the neighbors, and I stood there, trying to force myself to cry. It wasn't happening. I stood in my best friend's house, watching him sobbing on the couch, and I had no idea what to do to make him feel better. Watching his mom sobbing as she held him broke my heart. The funeral was one of the saddest I had ever been to. My friend's mom kept begging her husband to get up.

I finally cried.

On the day he died, I was wearing my favorite pink shirt.

Even at a young age, I had this obsession with numbers and symmetry and patterns. The first young man who died lived two houses from the corner. Two houses down from him, lived my best friend and his family.

So death was skipping a house.

I looked at what would happen next.

Two doors after my best friend was a very sweet older couple.

Two doors down from them was our house.

I couldn't let that happen.

So I did the only thing I could think of. I took my favorite shirt and tied it up in a plastic bag and through it up in my closet on the top shelf where I kept my stuffed animals.

I never wore it again.

When we moved from that neighborhood, I threw it away.

The pattern broke.

I'm not sure why I remembered this today.

It feels like just yesterday and our family was part of that amazing neighborhood, before everything fell apart.

A moment.

2010-10-10T23:14:00.003-05:00

I stood on my porch this evening as I waited for my sweet husband to back our vehicle down the driveway for me.

It was cool, a bit breezy, but very comfortable.

The sky was a bit cloudy, but a few stars were able to find their way through.

I sighed.

It was a happy sigh.

Today we celebrated the life of our beautiful girl.

We had family and friends from both of our lives, all mixed together in our tiny house.

It was beautiful.

Such love and laughter.

I stood on my porch, gazing into the sky, and just thinking about how sometimes everything feels just right.

First day of school!

2010-09-07T22:29:00.002-05:00

She made it! First day of kindergarten. Success!

I was so proud of her. We struggled for the better part of last year with tears in the morning. About half the time it was fake, but the other half was definitely real. I'm not exactly sure what prompted it or why it lasted for the entire year.

So far, this year, no tears!

She was visibly nervous. You could see it. We talked a lot about going to a new school, and how she won't be the only "new kid" since most of her class hadn't been to school before! We talked a lot about making friends and fun things she can learn. We've spent hours talking about the myriad of choices she has for lunch.

She was ready.

My little girl, all grown up and heading out into the world!

Okay, not quite, but gosh, it sure feels like it!

We made it to the school years.

We made it through the nighttime feedings and the diaper rash. Through the spit up and the uncontrollable crying. We made it through sleeping through the night (okay, so that might still be a work in progress...) and learning how to walk. Through all the "firsts" a new baby brings.

Now we have a whole new world of "firsts" and exciting things. And a whole new world of problems and conflicts she has yet to experience.

I'm pretty darn glad that I get to be the one to help her walk through it all.

She's my best girl.

I'm a mess.

2010-09-06T22:36:00.002-05:00

I'm on edge.

My stomach is in knots.

There's just so much going on, it all gets to me when I have a second to sit and breathe.

Things to order. Homework to do. My daughter starts school in the morning. Practice plans to work on. Cars to fix. Laundry and dishes to do. Rooms to switch. Floors to clean. Meals to plan. Groceries to buy.

And no time for any of it.

I feel sick to my stomach.

I'm trying to relax.

Waiting for the washing machine to be done so I can throw my clothes in the dryer, and take a hot shower, and get some sleep.

It's hard to relax and sleep knowing that there aren't enough hours in the day tomorrow to complete everything I have to complete.

Oh, goodness.

Life Lessons.

2010-09-04T09:24:00.004-05:00

I've been thinking this morning.

I started off angry. Somebody made judgements on people they had never met based solely off of their looks. I think it was some kind of veiled attempt at flattery, but the fact that this person thought making comments like that was okay really shocked me.

Weren't we all raised with the Golden Rule?

You know, whoever has the gold makes the rules...??

Okay, sorry, watched Aladdin yesterday, I couldn't stop myself!

What about not judging a book by it's cover?

What about treating others as we want to be treated?

What about just being NICE?

I thought that was a universal concept.

It amazes me how some people don't think like that.

I'm not angry anymore. I'm just very, very sad.

Part of what I want to change in this world is our perspectives on other people.

I want to help the homeless, the poor, the orphan, the disabled or the disfigured.

In our fun Disney viewing this past week, I also introduced my daughter to The Hunchback of Notre Dame. It had been awhile since I had seen it, so I wasn't sure if it was really age appropriate, but she begged and I was watching it with her, so we did it.

We had the most beautiful conversation about differences in people and how wonderful it is that we are all different!

We talked about how mean and cruel it was that people were yelling and making fun of Quasimodo.

We talked about how strong Esmeralda was to stand up in front of so many people and tell them to stop.

We talked about how what Esmeralda did was the right thing to do.

We talked about differences in appearances between people we know in real life. People with different color skin, different color eyes, different color hair. We noted that even her and I have different color skin.

We talked a lot about how people who look different than she does, especially in Quasimodo's case, are just the same as we are. They are people with feelings, and making fun of them is never okay.

Loving them is always okay, and is the right thing to do.

We talked about how calling Quasimodo ugly was hurtful. We talked about how calling anybody names was mean and hurtful.

We talked about what was different about Quasimodo. We talked about how nice he was, and she thought he was a good singer. :)

We talked about how those qualities were more important than what he looked like.

She grasped it, a little bit, anyway. But she's not yet five years old.

This is how it starts, however. I might not be able to change everybody's perspective of people all over the world, but I can do my best to raise my own children to be loving, kind, and accepting of all people.

Welcome, September!

2010-09-03T21:32:00.003-05:00

September is here. And by the feel of the air outside and that wonderful breeze blowing through my windows, so is fall! The high tomorrow is in the 60s. Love it.

Goals are my thing. It falls into my obsession with list making. I'm attempting to set some goals for September.

Maybe not even goals, plans of action. Or something like that.

I returned to school this past week. It was such a great feeling.

One of my goals this time around is to actually GO to class. Regularly, even! Crazy, I know, but hey, apparently that's helpful! I'll give it a try, at least.

Going off of that, I really want to do well. I'm already a little overwhelmed with the amount of reading I have to do, but I REALLY want this. So I'll do it.

My girl goes back to school next week. It's a big year. I want to work hard to make sure she has all the tools she needs to do well. I don't want her feeling rushed, which happened a lot last year. This year her school is closer and starts at a later time, two things that will hopefully work to my advantage. I want her to succeed, and to love school like I did.

More than that, I want her to be happy. School makes her happy so far. I want that to continue.

Juggling everything is going to be the toughest part. My coaching job, school, the husband's job, the daughter's school, the boy being at home. It will be rough. I want to make sure that we each get to spend quality time with everybody. That includes me with each of the kids, the husband with each of the kids, and the husband and I.

It's so easy to lose sight of that connection when there is so much going on.

We've been doing so well. We're pretty happy. Enjoying each other's company. Making us a priority is important.

So, September, with it's new beginnings, it's crisp air and changing colors, it's apple orchards and bonfires, it's precious family time on the weekends - bring it on. I'm so ready for you!

I feel lost.

2010-09-02T21:19:00.003-05:00

A month and a half later.

Life happened. A lot of life, really, and not so much.

We've had an exceptional summer. It was happy and lazy and man, was it hot...

It was our first real summer "vacation", as it was the first break between school years for my little girl. It was interesting, and exciting. School starts back up for her next week. I'm going to miss her desperately.

I have been catching up on my blog reading and Facebook stalking and have been finding myself constantly thinking, "I wish I had that" or "I wish I had done that" or "I wish I was a better mom like she is".

My little girl whispered from her blankets, "Mommy, can I have just four grapes?" To her surprise, I came back with four grapes. She gave me the biggest smile and declared, "Mommy, you are the best mommy ever!"

Sometimes I don't think so. But I'm glad she does.

I'm watching friends and past acquaintances do things with their life the "right" way. Graduate college, get successful jobs, get married, buy a house, have kids.

It makes me feel like I missed something.

But I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I just wish that sometimes I would realize how my life is the right way for me, no matter what anybody else says.

I have a lot I want to do and change. Things have to. We need it.

My heart, full and happy and longing...

2010-07-17T22:54:00.004-05:00

What a wonderful week!

My husband has been home on vacation and we've had a marvelous time. I'll be honest, I wasn't entirely sure it would be so marvelous! Often when he's been home for an extended period of time, we have some not-so-pleasant moments between us. I need to stop expecting that, because the not-so-pleasant moments have become fewer and further between lately, and I'm enjoying it!

We went up north and visited family for a few days. My father-in-law and one of me nephews were in from out of town and we had such a great time catching up with them. Lots of swimming, fishing, and barbecuing! Lots of laughter and fun family moments, that's for sure.

And then just being home together. *sigh* I've loved it.

My daughter woke up tonight presumably from a night terror. We've had some issues with these when she was younger, and every once in awhile they come out again. She had one tonight, and her daddy was the first to jump up and help her come to. She then fell asleep in his arms and he carried her back to bed. I didn't have to ask, it just happened. She needed her daddy and he was there, no questions asked. I honestly got a little teary-eyed watching them - more teary-eyed then the sappy movie the hubs and I had been watching when the princess came out of her room!

Yeah, instead of playing a game, he sat down next to me and watched a movie that I'm pretty sure wasn't anywhere near his top 10 movies I must see before I die. He put his arm around me and we laughed and had a great evening.

This feels good.

I'm still aching in my heart for the expansion of our family. We've talked a lot. There are several different ways we are considering. I've planted the seed of possibility in his mind and that's gotten the ball rolling. We're not making any decisions anytime soon, but we're discussing. I'm all for discussing.

Now I'm off to do the dishes. I'm on a freakin roll with those damn things this week, and I'm not interested in losing the battle just yet! Down with the dirty dishes!!!

My Secrets.

2010-06-30T22:59:00.002-05:00

Outward goes my energy, so very little sometimes to give away.

The parts of me, deep inside, so precious, so they stay.

I wonder often if I whisper my dreams to the stars, might they come true?

Or if by saying them out loud the possibility will dissolve, too.

I ache and yearn for more than this.

The excitement, the love, fulfillment, the bliss.

It's not about what works for me, this is so much deeper than I can explain.

It's about our family, our sanity, our whole lives, our souls, so much to gain.

So instead of whispers and secrets, I'll just pray.

He knows what is best for us, and He'll have the final say.

I'll put my life in His hands, something I should do more often, and wait.

For a sign, for a star, for some idea of what His plan is and what is our fate.

Patience isn't my best virtue. I'm about planning and lists and goals.

I need to know. Not just in my head and in my heart, but in my soul.

What's going to happen? Yes? No? Silliest idea ever? Best plan yet?

What will You say, dear Lord? Is it a go? Are our lives already set?

Let it go, and let be.

Just wait and see.

I'll pray, and rest.

You always know best.

What is it?

2010-06-15T00:46:00.002-05:00

I don't mean to always be so deep.

I just can't figure out what is missing.

What am I aching for?

What are You trying to tell me???

I'm content and happy...but longing for something.

It would be wonderful if this was easier.

But it's all part of the journey.

Cryptic ramblings!

2010-06-14T00:49:00.002-05:00

I wonder what the future holds for our family.

I'm going back to school in the fall.

If all goes well, the husband will be, too.

It may be crazy and hectic for awhile, but it's so worth it.

He'll be happier.

I'll be happier.

Our family will be happier, in the long run.

I can't wait to change the world.

Make a difference, somehow.

I want so much more.

I have so much to give.

I want to achieve so many things.

My heart aches for so many things.

I feel incomplete.

There's room for so much more in our lives, I'm sure of it.

We'll make it wherever He plans for us to go.

I'm completely giving way to faith.

I know He has a plan for us.

For me.

My heart tells me so.

I will help.

I can help.

I can give and love and share.

I want to open my door and my heart to so much more.

To so many more.

It's a hard place to be, sometimes.

Wanting to speed things up so I can feel and see and touch everything I want.

Everything I see in our future.

But I don't want to miss all the wonderful things about now.

Right now.

With my loves and their gracious and wonderful spirits.

I want more.

But I want to stay right here and enjoy it just a little while longer.

I know that whatever He has planned for me in the next few weeks will take place.

If it's not part of His plan, so be it.

If it is, so be it.

It would be nice if the answers were clearer.

Not waiting to find out, just knowing.

My heart can't take it sometimes.

I hope that we'll all stay on the same path as the hours and days and weeks and months and years go on.

I want so much more for us.

We can give so much more!

My heart has room.

Lots of room.

This life is amazing.

Hello, weekend.

2010-06-12T02:00:00.002-05:00

It's 3:00am.

I should sleep.

I should clean the bathroom.

My baby has been potty-training this week, and, well, he's a boy.

It's not like he stands up to pee, but he sure does miss the toilet.

I've taught him how to wipe himself after peeing.

I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do or not.

I've never been a boy.

The husband may have to work on that at a later time.

I'm so proud of the boy!

I didn't think he was ready.

Just three days a go he came up to me and said, "Mama, potty!"

Who was I to disagree? So off we went.

And he did it!

He's been on a roll ever since. We're off to buy big boy underwear tomorrow.

My baby!! :)

I think it's time for another one.

Or twelve.

Or not.

We'll see how it goes, I suppose.

Hopefully the husband doesn't read that.

I was up late working on my softball statistics.

Then decided I was too tired and I'd finish in the morning.

So I got up and washed dishes.

My work is never done.

Hmmm, if he's old enough to pee in the toilet, he's old enough to wash the dishes, right?

One of his favorite things is to grab a chair and pull it up to the sink and play in the water.

I take that as a future request for that job.

No problem, buddy. Mama's got you covered.

There's a beautiful blonde curly-haired girl in my bed.

She loves me.

She needs me.

Still.

I'm hanging on to that.

But I'm almost whatever age I'm almost and I still need my mommy.

So there's hope.

She tells me often that she never wants to move out, even when she's 100.

I told her that's fine.

She can stay right here forever.

My smiley boy better have the same plan.

I don't want to let go.

82 days until I'm a college student.

Again.

I'm so excited!!

I wish I could go buy books now.

Patience isn't one of my strong suits.

Hmm, what else?

I'm madly in love with my husband.

That's probably a good thing, considering we're married and all.

But I do like him.

A lot, even.

Even on days when I don't like him.

Go figure.

I'm rambling because I'm sleep deprived.

HA!

Funny.

Not.

I should go to sleep.

Well, fine.

Good point.

What?

OKAY!

I'm going.

See you later, weekend.

You Capture - Fun

2010-06-10T11:54:00.005-05:00

This week's You Capture was about fun.

Super easy, since all we do is fun around here!!

Well, kind of.

Of course I didn't take any pictures of our fun this week, but I took a picture AFTER we had fun. We had played outside and then were having a movie night in my bed. After a fun day, this is how I found my two loves:

This picture just makes me smile.

Being their mom is fun.

A month later.

2010-06-05T21:49:00.002-05:00

Hello!

I didn't mean to abandon you, my dear blog. It was out of my hands.

But here I am, ready and willing to bare my soul to the world.

Or not.

It's Saturday, it's raining, I'm rambling, and still very, very sleep deprived.

Tonight something took over me and I became the mom I don't want to be.

I don't know why. Or where it even came from.

My babies went to bed not very happy with me.

I then sat and cried on the couch.

I sometimes find myself so overwhelmed.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that my coaching season has come to an end.

Not as much relief as I had anticipated.

I'm grateful to have more time to do other things, but I just love softball so much, it's hard when it comes to an end.

It was hard as a player.

It's still hard as a coach.

I have a lot to do.

House to clean.

Work to do.

Babies to make things right with.

Tomorrow will be busy.

We're spending it at home, with no plans to go anywhere.

Except for church in the morning.

After that, we're coming home and staying put.

We're going to be a happy family tomorrow.

So let it be written, so let it be done.

Yeah!

I blanked.

Time for bed?

Dishes first.

Then bed.

Well, dishes, wake up babies to apologize and THEN bed.

I plan, one day, to leave them little notes to wake up to.

Ya know, when they can read and all that jazz.

Tonight's note would say, "I adore you. I'm so sorry for my behavior today. You make me smile constantly."

Times two babies.

Welcome back, blog readers. More rambling in the future.

You can count on that, at least!

Hi there, Monday!

2010-04-26T06:10:00.003-05:00

I always have plans for these great blog posts.

I'll be driving somewhere and start writing the post in my head.

I get home, yeah, it's all gone.

What comes out is more of me rambling.

Sorry.

If you are surprised or horrified, you really should have read the title of the blog.

It ain't no lie!

My girl is heading into her last month of pre-school.

I'm excited for her to move on to the great unknown of kindergarten at her new school with new teachers and new friends and new experiences!

I'm also completely terrified.

I'm sending her to a bigger elementary school.

What if she gets lost?

What if she wanders off that playground? I drive by on my way home and always see kids playing near the openings and where the heck are the adults?

Is she going to miss me if she's gone all day every single day?

I'm not sure about this.

Yet I know she is so ready. I know that she will be safe. I'm in love with the school, the principal, and what they stand for.

I'm just not sure about my baby growing up.

My little boy is sick today.

He caught the bug his sister had been carrying around for a few days, I think.

She's so much better, thankfully.

The little man, not so much. He slept soundly, so hopefully today will be a better day (ya know, a little less vomiting in my hands, perhaps?).

I love how I can cuddle with both my kids at the same time.

What would I do with another one?

Oh, but my heart aches for more.

There's so much in my heart and my head for my life and for my family.

The husband and I are going to school, and we're going to achieve our dreams.

Our little house is coming together more and more each day.

Our babies are happy and loved.

We support each other.

I'm letting God deeper into my life.

I'm searching my heart for what is right.

Now my girl will be late for school because we have to leave in 20 minutes and I'm sitting here blogging away while she's snoring it up in the bedroom!

Mom, for the win.

Oh summer.

2010-04-23T20:57:00.003-05:00

I'm so beyond giddy about going back to school.

I'm not sure that giddiness will continue once homework and papers and exams start piling up.

But for now, I'm giddy.

I wish it was September!

At the same time, I hope the next few months slow down a bit.

I want to enjoy this summer.

My little girl will be in school all day, all week, starting in September.

My little girl is going to a brand new school, starting in September.

This begins her real school life. She's in pre-k now, and she loves it, but it's just a few days a week, for a few hours.

Next year, it's all day, every day.

That's a lot.

It is another reminder of how fast she has grown.

My little girl.

With her big blue eyes, blonde curls, beautiful smile, and her imagination that runs a mile a minute.

She's amazing.

Summer will bring us lots of excitement.

Our first time in a t-ball league.

Her first time playing t-ball.

My first time coaching t-ball.

This summer will bring lots of baseball, just like it did every summer of my childhood.

There's something awesome about that.

This summer will bring visits from far away uncles.

That brings tears to my eyes. Oh how I miss those boys.

This summer will bring birthdays and BBQ's and carnivals and parties and swimming and park playdates and late nights playing in our backyard.

I love summer.

I will let my excitement for school go just a little bit, just a little so that I can enjoy my summer.

Life is so amazingly sweet.

Monday means excitement!

2010-04-19T11:21:00.003-05:00

It's about time for a happy post, wouldn't you say?

Last week, I got some awesome news.

I really am going back to college.

My good friend shed some light on my waiting for acceptance into the school, and I called and sure enough, I didn't need to apply in the first place.

I'm super smart like that. Don't drop out of college, kids.

I spoke to the records department and re-enrolled and the wonderful man told me to wait 24 hours to log back on.

So I waited.

The next day things got crazy, and I didn't get a chance to get back on and see if I could log in to the school website until much later in the week.

I held my breath.

It worked.

I clicked on "financial aid".

And then I cried. Full on sobbing.

And laughing. Crying and laughing.

I'm not going to have to pay a dime to go to school this year.

I can't believe it.

I'm making an appointment with an advisor to see where I stand, to make sure my credits from my brief stint at another college have been transferred over, and to figure out what path I need to be on to accomplish all that I plan to accomplish.

I wonder how this will work. Will I be able to handle being a full-time college student? Maybe part-time would be easier, but what would that mean for the financial aid I've received, and the silly loan I can't wait to put on deferment? Will my kids be able to deal with it? Will I be able to manage my business at the same time? How will my daughter manage being in school all day everyday for the first time while I'm juggling everything else? Will I be able to coach volleyball? What about my house - we can barely keep it up now! Will the husband be able to manage going to school, too?

Cause, yeah, he's going back, too! We haven't heard about his financial aid yet, though.

This is so important, though.

Our kids will see us graduate from college.

They will see us achieve our dreams.

We will get better jobs.

We will be happier with our lives.

It's all so good!

It'll be hard work, though. Again, I quote my favorite movie - The hard is what makes it great.

I'm excited.

So very excited!

It's about time. We could use some excitement.

Oh Sunday.

2010-04-18T22:23:00.002-05:00

I think Sundays are made for rambling.

The girl and I went to church this morning. She was so very well behaved. I love when that happens.

We had a visiting priest. Some of the things he said really hit home.

One thing that stuck with me, something about not asking our spouse over and over if they love us.

Crap.

Guilty.

Why do I do that? Why do I question?

We had another rough day.

Us and weekends don't tend to mix these days.

I guess that's why I question.

I know he loves me. He knows I love him. We just have to hold on as we maneuver through this particular time in our lives.

I think we can do it.

We've been through worse. We've been through more.

It just sometimes builds up.

Like the dishes.

And the laundry.

I sound like a broken record.

But it's true!

With kids, those things just get pushed aside.

Not saying I stayed up on the housework before I had kids, either.

...but I'll just keep that my little secret.

I'm a softball coach.

I love it.

The girl came with me to practice today.

Yeah, I made them practice on a Sunday.

I'm mean.

Totally.

Not.

It was optional.

Seven girls came.

It was awesome. We played, had fun, enjoyed ourselves.

The girl had a blast. She hit the ball, ran the bases. The girls on the team cheered her on and played along.

I'm lucky to have not only a great kid, but a great group of girls on my team.

I'm trying hard to figure out a way to motivate and inspire my them.

It's not as easy as I'd anticipated.

But I keep trying.

That's the story of my life these days.

I just keep trying.

We just keep trying.

Memory Lane - Grandpa's Closet

2010-04-17T23:15:00.004-05:00

Growing up, our grocery shopping didn't only take place at the grocery store. It often took place at my grandma and grandpa's house.

Monday was produce day. Grandpa would call and take our order the night before. He never wrote anything down from what I gathered. He'd always just count on his fingers how many items. Sort of reminds me of myself - I always make lists (because I have a ridiculous obsession with list-making!), but I can remember things just by counting them. Guess he rubbed off on me a little!

He'd also pick up other things for us, I especially remember hot dogs. I'm sure there was more to the weekly meat trip he made, but he always brought us back hot dogs.

If we needed anything, we'd go over there to get it from their extensive pantry. They were always stocked!

Needed toilet paper? Off to grandma and grandpa's house!

Grandpa also supplied us with our cereal. Now, I was a picky kid. I didn't like chocolate. My brothers loved it, of course. I didn't like anything with marshmallows in it. My brothers loved it, of course. Captain Crunch grosses me out!

My grandpa knew that. He always bought my favorite - Apple Jacks.

When we'd come over he'd ask if we needed cereal, and if my mom said yes, it was our responsibility to go back to grandpa's bedroom and go inside his closet and pick out which cereal we'd like. There was always a variety.

There was always a box of Apple Jacks in there, just for me.

This week I ate a bowl of Apple Jacks every morning and smiled.

I wish I could have gotten that box out of his closet. I wish I could stop by his house and send my daughter into his room to pick out a box of cereal. I'm sure that he'd purposely pick out a box of her favorite cereal every week, just like he did for me.

Instead, I smile, and make a note to buy cereal for my grandchildren one day.

Reflections.

2010-04-15T10:40:00.002-05:00

Today we stayed in our pajamas all morning. It's almost lunchtime, maybe we'll get dressed after we eat. We're going to picnic on the floor in the living room for lunch and watch a movie. It's a beautiful day outside, so the windows are open. This weekend maybe we'll move our picnic outside. Today, I'm still feeling pretty vulnerable, so we're shut in.

Today we played in the kitchen. I kept the baby gate down all morning. I sat in the kitchen and blew bubbles and the kids chased them down giggling. I let them play on the couch cushions on the floor. We giggled and played and tickled each other.

I just let them be.

It was carefree. It was relaxed.

My heart is heavy. Life can end so suddenly. It scares me what can happen. I realize I can't live in fear of the future, but it's hard to escape that reality sometimes.

We have to keep living. We have to embrace our loved ones. We have to keep taking chances and pushing ourselves. We have to become better people.

I'm trying to be optimistic.

Alright, it's getting a little clearer!

2010-04-10T23:50:00.003-05:00

It's been a rough couple weeks.

The husband was in a car accident two weeks a go. Thankfully, he is okay. The car, on the other hand...not so much.

The positive... thanks to my brief stint at our car insurance company back in TX, I knew how affordable adding roadside assistance to our policy is, and I decided this time around to add it for both vehicles. I did that just a few months a go. So, with the accident, the husband was able to call the roadside assistance company and the car was towed back to our house, free of charge.

Thank God! When he told me he had the car towed, my heart sank, wondering how in the world we could afford that. Then I remembered. I'm so grateful!

The negative... we are down to one car. The more expensive car to keep full of gas, of course.

Two days a go I get a call from the husband on his way home from work telling me the only working vehicle had a flat tire and he wasn't able to open up whatever it was that held the spare in place.

The positive... roadside assistance to the rescue, again! We have unlimited usage, which is wonderful. They came and helped him get it out, and he was safely on his way home.

The negative... the only working vehicle now has a spare on it and we can't drive it very far. I'm not sure when we'll be able to get a new tire.

But you know what? Beyond these very rough couple weeks, I've had some clarity. I know that we'll be okay.

The other day something happened to the husband at work, something that shook him a bit. The next day he didn't have to visit this particular place, which has never happened before - it's a place he almost ALWAYS goes to.

I was amazed - I told him, "God was looking out for you!"

His response, "That was my exact thought, word for word."

Okay. I got it. We're on the same page.

God is looking out for us.

I know my blog has taken a turn lately, and I've been talking about my faith a lot more. It's a part of my life that I've seldom explored. I certainly have always believed in God, gone to church regularly (for the most part), prayed daily. I've never doubted. I've just never explored any type of relationship with God, or thought about my life in connection with my faith. It's always just kind of been there, on the surface. It's hard to explain, but I've been feeling like I have needed something to happen in my life. Something to help me ease myself from the pain and the stress. Some kind of reassurance. Some kind of purpose. Some kind of meaning.

It's a lot. It's heavy. It's not easy. But it is easy at the same time.

I've been down, worrying, stressing, trying to figure out what to do.

For right now? I'm still going to work hard at putting my family back together. I'm still going to work hard at balancing our budget. I'm still going to work hard to find other means of income. I'm still going to work hard to keep up the house. I'm still going to work hard to make sure my kids are happy, despite the vibe that's been in our house lately.

But I'm also going to give it up to God. I know He is there.

I feel lighter already.

Another rambling post.

2010-04-07T22:10:00.003-05:00

Today's blog will showcase exactly why I've titled this blog Ramblings of a Sleep Deprived Mama.

Not that I need to showcase that, I just imagine that's what will happen.

I have a lot to say.

Too much, really.

It wants to pour out of me.

But I have just as much to do as I have to say!

I need to prepare my practice plan for tomorrow.

I need to do some actual work.

I have several phone calls that I need to make. (it's after 11:00pm, so probably not tonight, huh?)

I need to prepare a menu plan and list for the grocery store.

I need to shop in the morning, but I also promised the little ones a trip to the library. Gotta figure out how to make that work.

I need to clean my house.

I seriously need to clean my house.

Laundry, oh!

Must. Do. Laundry.

The dishes, however, are pretty much done. That's a first!

Go with it, right?

I'm exhausted. We had movie night tonight, just me and my babies, and it was wonderful. The little one fell asleep within 15 minutes of the movie. The big one fell asleep about 15 minutes from the end of the movie. They now are both sleeping soundly in my bed. I don't know that I feel like moving them to their beds, either. It is sleepover night, after all.

I'm going to sleep now so that I can wake before the babies in the morning.

So I can work-out in peace.

So I can shower in peace.

So I can start reading something very important to me. In peace.

I have been sporadic in my head. Jumping from here to there, just as I'm doing in this entry.

I'm a gemini, after all.

I'm not even sure if that's relevant. Did I tell you I was exhausted?

Did I?

Time to call it a night. Prioritize. What must be done now? What can wait?

I need to get up and read in the morning.

I need to.

You Capture - Feet

2010-04-02T08:39:00.003-05:00

Feet = gross.

Until I had kids anyway. I find every inch of them absolutely amazing, even those stinky, dirty little feet!

The fact that those feet take them on adventures, lead them wherever they choose to go - plus, the baby has the cutest chunky little feet. :)

My girl loves posing for pictures...even if it's just her feet. I'm appeasing her, and she's giggling in delight!

Cuddled on the couch together in the morning. The girl is playing with her beloved "Catty" and the boy is wearing his daddy's hat - yeah, over his face. Still in pajamas, socks dirty from the adventures the night before.

After a particularly rough day for everyone (we were a house full of cranks!), we wound down by watching a little Backyardigans. The baby wasn't interested!

I love their little feet together.

Because the boy crashed out, I moved him to his bed and my girl and I curled up on the couch for some story time, just us. I love that she's so comfortable, she leaned her head on my shoulder, and propped her feet up on mine.

(completely unrelated, but we JUST painted the living room this weekend - isn't the blue lovely? I'm in total love, I so enjoy sitting in my living room now! The amazing things paint can do, not just for our walls, but for our spirit! But this picture reminded me we still have some loose ends to clean up - where is that outlet protector and nobody reattached that cord, hmmm? More projects for today!)

*sigh*

I'm determined to make today less of a rough day. We're a bit stressed. Things are a bit tight. But I vowed to my kids that today was going to be a happy day. Even though we had to skip out on the playdate we were looking forward to, we will still have a fun day together.

It gives me encouragement that even on one of our "cranky days" we still had little moments like in these pictures.

That gives me hope.

Faith.

2010-03-25T20:46:00.004-05:00

Where to begin?

I feel nervous posting this. My heart is beating rapidly. Is it because faith is such a personal thing? Or isn't it, shouldn't it be shared?

This is my struggle. I struggle with what my faith calls me to do. If it even calls. Does it call? I DON'T KNOW!

See the struggle?

I've gone to church almost every Sunday (and sometimes Friday, during the school year when I was enrolled in Catholic school) for my entire life. I trailed off a bit when I moved out on my own and didn't have my mother guilting me face-to-face to come. I hadn't gone to church in several months a few years back, and I had gone to visit my grandma and she told me she wished I'd go to church, and that she prayed for me.

Wow. Somebody prayed for me? I pray everyday. Sometimes it's out of habit, I'm fairly OCD at times and I have to do things a certain way often. I pray whenever I see an ambulance, fire truck, or even a police car with their lights on. I pray when I know somebody is sick or in the hospital. I pray whenever somebody asks me to pray. My usual prayer is specific only in that I pray for forgiveness and I pray that my family and friends are watched over and taken care of and protected.

But pray to just talk to God? Um, not so much.

It's not that I don't want to. I just don't get it. I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I've come across some blogs that really make me think and dig deeper. I've read that God calls people to do things or give things or say things. How does that happen? Have I ever heard God? I don't think I have. Am I just not listening? I don't even know how to listen.

Am I just not capable of it? It's not a question of belief, I don't think. I'm very confident in my belief that God exists and God provides for me and it's God who has given me life and love. I've never questioned that. So why don't I get to hear it?

I read Linny's blog today, and it made me think. Honestly, I had to look up the word "tithe". I had no idea. I give when I can. I'll give every last dollar or cent in my purse, pocket, floor of the car to a person in need that I see on the street. I often go certain routes just to make sure that I see somebody who I can help, just knowing there's always somebody standing on a particular corner. I donate my clothes and belongings when I can, either to goodwill or to a family in need. We gave presents this past Christmas to a family who had none for their children, who posted on freecycle with their needs, and my 4 year old daughter helped me pack away some toys for another little girl her age. I give to church sometimes. We live paycheck to paycheck (and sometimes we're not even that lucky), and it amazes me that people in our financial situation can give regularly. How do they do it? I need to figure that out.

I could give more. I'm sure we could. Just...how.

I want to give of my time more.

I want to figure out how faith works in my life. I can give specific instances where I know somebody was there protecting us. A light bulb burst in a standing lamp that was directly over my daughter's head when she was a baby, and the glass fell nowhere near her. It wasn't possible, the glass should have hit her. But it didn't. Somebody was there, protecting her. I know it. But I need to know how my faith works in my regular day-to-day life, not just in specific instances. I know that one day, when we are financially better off and we have a house of our own, we want to become foster parents. I'm sure that to make that decision we had to have been called to it, but I don't remember a call, I don't remember anything like that. I just wanted to do it. When I go to school in the fall, I'm working towards a degree that will teach me and guide me to help people in need. Was that another call? It's taken me years to figure out what I want to do with my life - did I figure it out, or did I just finally listen? How do you know?

Reading Linny's post today made me want to write something. I know this isn't short and to the point, but I don't know that I have a point! I wouldn't know what to ask for, and I don't even feel worth of asking. I just know how I had to say something.

Today, right this minute, we are okay. Thanks to our tax return, our bills are paid, we have a new vehicle that fits our family safely, I have no wants. In a few months, we'll fall behind again, and we'll make ends meet like we always do, someway. We'll be going back to school in the fall (if all goes well, we both will!), it'll be challenging, but it'll help us in the future. We have no wants in relation to college, because as of now we both have enough grants and scholarships to cover the cost. The only thing I wish that could happen would be to send my daughter to the Catholic school she attends for pre-school, but the cost for next year is just outrageous. Even with the payment plan offered, we'd never be able to afford it. So I pray that the local public school will fit her needs and that I'll be put at ease, because I feel horribly guilty. Even if we had the money now, her grade for next year is full and there is a waiting list already.

So I don't know what I'd even ask for. I just am grateful for this post today, because it has made me think, and maybe by reading the responses and the requests I'll be able to figure out how so many people can understand and hear God.

I think I'd like to, too.

jennymfv@hotmail.com

You Capture - A Moment

2010-03-25T10:48:00.002-05:00

I've never participated in one of these before, but there are several that I follow regularly with interest! Especially You Capture. I want to take pictures, I want to catch these special moments and have them forever!

This week's challenge was "A Moment". I debated how to go about this. What kind of moment? Something sweet? Happy? Messy? Frustrating? Messy AND frustrating? (which is more likely these days...)

Then I watched my children playing together and I just started taking pictures of them. These beautiful moment came out.

They are happy little people. They genuinely love each other, and are so loved by so many people. These giggly, tickly, "roar-y" moments (yeah, the boy child is roaring!) are so awesome.

Check it out: You Capture - A Moment

The Words.

2010-03-24T00:49:00.002-05:00

I've been tongue tied a lot lately. Not even just when it comes to my blog. The words are just not presenting themselves in a timely fashion!

I feel... off.

I'm not sad or upset or angry, and for the most part, I'm happy and feeling good.

Except... not.

It's just the oddest thing.

It's now almost 2:00am and for the first time all day I have energy to clean. I just organized my desk and have my plans set for tomorrow's work day. Great!

Except... I was supposed to clean the living room.

Ugh.

I told the husband that I'd pick up the living room, maybe go crazy and sweep a little, and he promised to do some dishes when he got home from work. PERFECT, as I despise dishes.

Except... not.

Where the heck is my head?? I have a lot to do, yes, but nothing new has developed and I'm not feeling overwhelmed. Financially we are still feeling good (thank you, IRS, for your timely deposit!). Nobody's arguing. The kids have enjoyed being out in the warmer weather (except for yesterday, but I'll just pretend yesterday's crappy rainy freeze-your-butt-off day didn't exist!).

So what the heck is going on??

I threw the kids in the car this afternoon because the thought of washing the pan I needed to make dinner (because of course THAT was the one still dirty!) was just too much, coupled with the actual act of MAKING the dinner. I just couldn't take it.

As we drove around, I called the husband and said, "Something is seriously wrong with me."

And then I drove through Taco Bell.

Mommy fail.

Yummy, but... fail.

Now I cringe as I look at the clock because it really is almost 2:00am, and I have to get up in the morning to get the girl off to school, and then I have to do some real estate work, and then I have to work on my softball practice plan, and then actually coach the practice, and then I have to come home and make dinner, and oh crap what if I don't get a chance to wash that stupid pan, what will I feed those kids?

Right.

See?

Something is... off.

Mental overload? Can that be possible without actually feeling overwhelmed?

That's gotta be it.

Right?

Or...

No.

That's gotta be it.

That or I've officially lost it.

I sat by and watched the boy child color on the refrigerator today.

I sat and WATCHED. Then took the crayon away. After he had colored for several moments, all the while peering at me, obviously thinking, "Come on, lady, I'm over here coloring, aren't you supposed to come after me? What the heck is wrong with you?"

Good call, bud, what the heck?

Now that it IS 2:00am, maybe I should just take my non-productive-but-I-think-maybe-I-am-productive-but-I'm-probably-not-productive behind to bed.

Maybe tomorrow will be more productive.

Or something.

Reminders.

2010-03-16T22:31:00.007-05:00

My life is full of reminders of things I need to do, things I've missed, things I wish I could do better.

I get frustrated when my youngest pulls all of the kid books off the bookshelf - and I mean EVERY book. I'm reminded that I don't have this parenting thing down pat yet and I wonder if I'll ever figure it out?

I practically pull my hair out when I see new crayon marks on the wall, despite the fact that I WATCH very carefully when they color, and I know I took all the crayons away when they finish. How did I miss this? I'm reminded there may be much more that I miss, and I pray that I'm only missing the hidden crayons, and cry that I may miss something much more important one day.

I smile thinking about the birthdays we've celebrated, and the exciting birthdays to come, and gosh, why do they come and go so quickly? I'm reminded that the days of excitement over birthday hats and balloons and sprinkled cupcakes are not here forever.

I smile seeing both sets of keys hanging - knowing that my husband is home safe and sound from work. And, wow, I'm reminded of how we've combined our lives and hearts in such big ways (our babies) and small ways (having keys to each other's vehicle). This makes me feel so grown up and just so darn lucky.

The sunshine inspires me. I'm reminded that there are opportunities and second chances and possibilities and dreams that can be achieved.

Some reminders render me speechless. So I just pray.

I'm reminded that I'm mom to a boy and mom to a girl, and how very different those roles are, and how very similar they are at the same time.

Oh, my sweet darling girl! Her daily beauty regimen at the ripe age of four includes a headband and pigtails, as well as an outfit of her own choosing. Today included black leggings, a navy blue skirt, a pink t-shirt, and pink Sleeping Beauty socks. Her creativity and excitement and beauty and wonder, oh, it's inspiring to watch, and makes me smile! I'm reminded of what an awesome gift it is to be her mother, and how more than anything I want to give her everything that I have. I don't want to let her down.

Little fingers playing with little cars. He's so very BOY, and it fills my heart with love and joy! I'm reminded that these sweet days of cuddling and kisses and "MY mama!" are passing quickly, and my heart aches. I had no idea how much I would love being mom to a boy, and how terrifying it would be, and how absolutely wonderful it would be, all at the same time!

A pile of shoes, shoes that carry my little darlings into their lives, helping them carry on adventures and fun, thrown on a floor that should be cleaned probably more often than I care to admit. I'm reminded that I need to give them adventures and fun more often.

Pre-school homework assignments. She loves it, she enjoys it, she gets giddy talking about how wonderful it is! I'm reminded that this is the beginning of her growing up and becoming independent. It's wonderful, and I'm grateful to be her cheerleader.

These moments, these reminders, the mess that needs to be cleaned, the laundry that needs to be done, the pile of dirty dishes, the spilled milk, the smiles, the giggles, the adventures and the fun...

....this is what makes every moment worth it.

Finding the words.

2010-03-03T23:26:00.002-06:00

I've had some realizations this evening.

Too important, too sensitive, just too much to lay it all out there.

I've tried writing it several times and each time the words don't really describe the importance of these realizations.

I know what I want to accomplish in my life, I know that I want to solve problems and help people, I know that I will no longer let the opinions of others diminish my dreams.

That's powerful.

I am genuinely working on my self-confidence with my dreams.

Finally knowing it, really feeling it, I want to share it with everyone!

But I'm so scared that something so important to me, something I am so passionate about, will be judged and frowned upon.

Because it's so important to me and I am so passionate about it, I should be embracing my decisions and screaming them from the rooftops!

I'm getting there.

I used to be self-confident and outgoing and aware and accepting of myself.

Somewhere along the line that changed.

I'm regaining that self-confidence again.

Slowly but surely.

It's coming around.

I can do this.

My Darling Boy

2010-02-28T23:26:00.002-06:00

Two years a go, my baby was almost a leap year baby.

Two years a go, my baby was almost born on the side of the expressway in a blizzard.

Two years a go, he changed my life completely.

Two years later, my little boy is two.

WHAT?!?!?

I know, time flew by, right?

*sigh* My beautiful, sweet, kind, caring little baby.

He has the best giggle and the most adorable smile.

His dimples and toothy grin make me melt.

When he hears a sound from another room, he shouts, very gruffly, "That?"

When he has an idea, which is very often, he puts his finger up under his chin and says, "Hmmm."

He has on knock, knock joke and it makes me laugh every time.

When he's sleepy, he climbs up in my lap and folds his hands right under his chin.

He defiantly tells everyone, "MY MAMA", and clutches me around the neck.

He throws things.

Well, he throws everything.

He colors on my wall.

And floor.

He gets mad at me, yells, "NO!" wagging his finger in my face, running to his room and slamming the door, and then I hear him emptying bins of toys on the ground.

He knows that makes me crazy.

He climbs on everything.

And everyone.

He's constantly putting things in his mouth.

Especially anything that has gluten in it.

Which is bad, considering he is a gluten-free kid.

He drives me crazy sometimes, and I really wonder how we will make it through these crazy toddler years.

Then he curls up in my lap and kisses me on the cheek and smiles at me, and my heart melts, and I pray that these crazy toddler years go by very, very slowly.

Minus the throwing things. That one I can do without.

Happy 2nd birthday, my darling boy. I love you more than I can ever describe!

Oh Time, Please Slow Down!

2010-02-18T18:44:00.001-06:00

The Baby Boy has a new habit of climbing on the back of the couch and lounging across the cushion.

I'm sitting on the couch watching The Princess play on the floor and I hear a very soft, very sweet, "Mama?" whispered in my ear.

I look over my shoulder and there he is, my baby, resting his cheek on his hand, flashing his best smile and showcasing those adorable dimples.

My heart skipped a beat.

My baby boy turns 2 in eleven days.

He has made my life so much more than I ever imagined it could be. I was so deeply in love with his sister, I was confused how the dynamic of adding a second child to our family would change things.

Oh my. It was one of the best things we ever did.

He's amazing.

Mama rambles at all hours of the night!

2010-01-29T01:12:00.004-06:00

Some days I want to rip my hair out and lock myself in the bathroom and cry.

To be honest, some days I DO lock myself in the bathroom and cry.

But some days, I realize how absolutely lucky and blessed I am.

I'm not a perfect mother.

I've always struggled with that goal - wanting and trying to be "perfect".

I want my kids to be happy. I want them to know they are always constantly loved and adored for who they are.

I don't want to push my insecurities on them.

I want them to be healthy. I want to make them well-balanced meals. I want them to get enough exercise. I want to do the right thing when it comes to all the environmental things I am told I should be concerned about.

I want them to be safe. I want to protect them from cruel people who want to cause them harm. I want to protect them from bullies. I want to protect them from broken hearts and mean words spoken by friends.

I want them to have happy memories of their childhood. I want their earliest memories to be of mommy and daddy, happy, loving, all of us playing and smiling.

I don't want their earliest memories to be of mom screaming from the kitchen because the Baby Boy colored on the TV with some secret crayon he found and the Princess has asked for the 315th time why she can't have a cookie when dinner is 5 minutes away. Yeah. That was a pretty sight.

I want them to know how my heart sings when they cuddle with me. I want them to know how their smiles light up my life. I want them to know that no matter what, no matter what any family member or friend may ever say, no matter what they have heard, that mommy and daddy have loved each of them endlessly and constantly, and they were each wanted 100%.

Those conversations scare me. One day we're going to have to talk about that. I don't want them to think, even for a second, that they were anything less than loved and adored and wanted.

My life may not have played out exactly how I anticipated it would.

It's a million times better.

I want to do better by them. I need to do better by them. They deserve that.

I know I can be the mom I want to be.

I know they love me, and I know that we have way more good days than we do bad days.

I know it's normal when they are toddlers and preschoolers to have these moments.

I know these moments occurred in my childhood, and I think my mom is awesome.

So they will think I'm awesome, too, some day, right?

This parenting thing is HARD.

I'll quote from one of my favorite movies:

The hard is what makes it great.

Hmmmm...privacy?

2010-01-18T11:43:00.003-06:00

I don't know how many people actually read this blog.

Anybody? Anybody at all?

I have great aspirations of sitting down and writing profound thoughts every day, and large quantities of people reading and commenting.

Well, okay, maybe not large quantities.

Just one or two.

And, well, FINE, maybe not writing anything profound, either.

But still.

I wonder how much is too much?

I've yet to use my kids real names. They have beautiful names, they really do!

I've yet to post pictures of them. They have beautiful faces, they really do!

How am I to know that I'm not giving away too much information? How am I to know that the serial killer of all serial killers happens to read MY blog, sees my kids faces, figures out where I'm from, and shows up at my house?

I've been reading blog after blog lately. The majority of them include both their kids real names and pictures. Some have just their names, others just pictures with code names. I'm seriously frightened about revealing too much.

So then what is the fun of having a blog? If I can't delve into my real life? Ugh. What to do?

Perhaps I'm over thinking it. I have a tendency to do that.

I've already apologized to my kids for their teenage years, when they are stuck with the extremely overprotective mother. I realize it's several years out, but the poor kids are going to have it bad.

Too Tired to Think!

2010-01-15T22:56:00.002-06:00

My head is so full of thoughts. I'm in the process of cleaning my house, catching up on laundry and dishes, and working on several work-related projects.

My kids are wonderful. The husband and I have been getting along just beautifully.

Life is good.

If I could get past my exhaustion, maybe I'd be a bit more productive.

I totally earned the title of this blog!

2010-01-10T01:29:00.002-06:00

Why is it when I am beyond exhausted I just cannot sleep?

I used my time tonight to comment on several blogs I read, organize my calendar for the week, make several lists of things that need to be accomplished.

Oh, I showered. That was exciting.

It's peaceful. The kids are both sleeping soundly. Which figures, really, considering I'm not sleeping. They only wake up every 20 minutes ALL NIGHT LONG when I'm passed out.

Hubby is home, I'm here on the computer (I'm Captain Obvious, too!), he's watching TV. He's worse than me when it comes to this sleep thing.

Last night was a very unhappy gluten reaction night. The Baby Boy was miserable.

Someday soon, I will touch on her gluten free story.

It's an important one.

I have to work in the morning. That is exciting! I'm taking phone calls in the office, and then showing houses. I'm very excited to do that, my clients are excited, too, which makes it so much fun!

6 months until I go back to school. I can't wait.

I'm starting to look at college options. Applications will go out by the end of the month. I wish I had been this excited 8 years a go when I was a senior in high school.

Time to be forceful with this sleeping thing. The morning comes quick. Usually only when I'm tired.

Parenting is Joyous!

2010-01-05T00:20:00.003-06:00

My children can be incredibly sweet.

The Princess is so worried about the Baby Boy, she watches over him carefully and alerts me at the first sign of him even glancing at something that may have gluten in it.

The Baby Boy adores his big sister so much. He follows her everywhere.

They play so well together. We spent several minutes today each taking a turn making a silly face and the others having to copy it. It was so much fun, so much giggling occurred! The Baby Boy's faces were priceless, and the Princess could not stop laughing! It was wonderful.

They sat together today, in a laundry basket, the big sister teaching the little brother nursery rhymes.

Precious.

That moment, of course, was immediately followed by pushing and shoving trying to race each other OUT of the laundry basket. Then the little one climbed ON TOP of the big one as she crawled away from the scene, both of them screaming their pretty little heads off.

Precious, always precious. :)

A New Challenge!

2010-01-04T01:00:00.003-06:00

I've been inspired to start a new challenge this year - I will set out to accomplish 10 tasks each month. Easy, right?

Well, we'll see about that.

So, my 10 tasks for January are as follows:

1. Organize my computer desk.

2. Write in my kids' journals once a week (thus, 4 times this month).

3. Call my dad just to talk.

4. Send care packages to my brothers (or their belated Christmas presents, haha).

5. Take my daughter out for a "Girl Day" (we haven't gone in awhile!).

6. Take the kids out to visit both of my grandmothers.

7. Clean out my car.

8. Apply for college. Again.

9. Pick a reading challenge and read at least one book.

10. Return the library books. (seriously...they really need to go back...)

Voila! I will check back in at the end of the month with how I did. I'm still going to work on the various areas of my life I talked about in my last post, but this gives me some small goals I can easily achieve. Or not so easily, depending on which task!

Goals O' Plenty!

2010-01-02T21:12:00.005-06:00

Well.

I feel it.

That motivation. It's creeping back in. The excitement of a new year. New challenges. New changes.

Ahhh, that sweet scent of starting something new!

The key is grabbing hold of that excitement and running with it. I tend to get stuck inside the gate and never make it out. I end up wasting a whole barrel full of motivation, and it takes ages for me to recoup it all.

So where to begin? Where should this motivation lead me?

A couple places, perhaps.

This blog. I love writing in it. It would be way more fun if people read it, but hey, writing for myself is what I'm doing here, and myself is reading it, so score one for me! I also just joined BlogHer, which is very exciting, yet completely overwhelming. We'll see how it goes!

Myself. Physically. I woke up yesterday and was determined to make this weight loss thing work. It's going to take a lot of work and energy, but I really do want to be happy with myself again. I'm in a wonderful yahoo group with wonderful motivating women and I'm utilizing that support to its full capacity. I rejoined SparkPeople, where I can keep track of my food, water, and exercise. As writing is a tool I use to process things in my life, I've started blogging about my weight loss journey, as well. There's more to feeling better about myself then just the weight loss. I'm going to work on being happy with me just the way I am.

Myself. Spiritually. This has been a tough one. It's an area of my life I am very eager to explore.

Relationships. My relationship with my kids, with my husband, with my brothers, with my friends. I want to work on all of them. They are all positive relationships now, but I often don't give them the attention they deserve. Then there is the parental relationship, notably with my father. More notably with his wife. How that will progress, I have no idea, but I have to do something about it. I need more "Girl Days" with the Princess. I need more one-on-one time with the Baby Boy.

Books. Reading. Writing. I'm feeling the call! I haven't decided yet what kind of reading challenge I want to undertake this year - whether it be a goal of some numeric value by December 31, or something different like the Rory Gilmore Books Project. Also, I'm going to write. I pumped myself up for NaNoWriMo last November, but didn't get very far as November became the month of the big move. I think I want to take things in a whole new direction with my writing. I have some ideas, and I'm going to give myself the time to put the pen to paper and see what develops.

School. I AM DOING IT! I've had several conversations with my husband and I know now without a doubt I am ready to go back and finish college. I know what I want to do. I'm going to save that for another blog post, though. :)

Theatre. Before we moved to Texas, several of my theatre pals and I created our own group. It never took off quite how we envisioned it, but I think we weren't ready to really put the effort in that was required. I was the last to hold on to our little group, and when I moved, I closed it for good. Now I'm ready. I don't foresee opening it this year, but my goal is to really lay the groundwork. Do my research. Set the ball in motion.

Coaching. I haven't decided yet if I will return to coach volleyball in the fall. I enjoyed it much more than I had anticipated, and I've already been coming up with ways to improve my coaching for the next season. It all depends on my family and our schedules. I'm still hoping to coach softball this spring. My fingers are crossed.

Work. I don't know what I'm doing yet. Am I going to continue working in real estate? Let it go and work as an assistant from home? Just coach, and find another part-time job that fits around the husband's work schedule? I'm not sure. I have a lot more thinking to do.

Volunteer. I want to give more. My husband and I have reached out lately and given toys and coats to families that needed them, and it felt so good! I want to feel that feeling more often. I want my kids to learn the joy of giving. I want to help people (oh how my mother would cringe when I'd say that growing up..."I don't know what I want to be, Mom, I just want to help people!"...not that she didn't want me helping people, but the college I chose to go to unfortunately did not offer a BA in Helping People...much to my dismay!).

It's going to take a lot. I need this year, though. I need something to change. We, as a family, need this year.

Ok, motivation, don't let me down!

Hello, 2010 - can I have a do-over?

2010-01-01T22:09:00.003-06:00

Yeah. Day ONE of the new year, and I'm already asking for a do-over.

It's a fair request, right? I mean, come on, you KNOW that when you play a game and mess up right off the bat you start over! Right? RIGHT?!?!

So, I want my do-over.

It wasn't a completely wasted day.

I started my new exercise/weight loss shindig today. That's a positive!

We moved in the extra dressers from the garage, I finished most of the dishes, we cleaned up a lot of the clothes that have been piling up because of the absence of the aforementioned dressers. All positives!

OK, so I was a little unnecessarily sharp with the kids today. Not often, but a little bit more than I needed to be. I'll take the negative on that one.

The husband. Yeah, that was a negative...

Mathematically speaking, I guess that's a wash. Two positives to two negatives...I'm still at square one. That would work if the weight loss and cleaning carried as much weight as my relationship with my kids and my husband.

Close, but not so much.

Thus why I need that stinkin' do-over!!

Come on, please, PLEASE, Mother Nature, Father Time, the New Year's baby, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, I don't care...somebody? Anybody? Please?

No?

Crap.

Those Mid-Winter Blues

2009-12-30T19:26:00.004-06:00

It's actually a little early for the blues to hit me. Historically, it happens about mid-January. It's often baffled me how the magical holiday season inspires me and fills me with such joy and love, how I wait with baited breath at the window for the first sign of snowflakes falling....and then all of two minutes later I'm angry and cranky and I've got no good reason for any of it.

This has been the story of my life since as far back as I can remember. I have heard from many people that they go through something like this in the middle of the winter. It's just substantiated itself as I've gotten older and have more obligations and commitments and screaming children who need my attention.

Okay, they aren't screaming, for the most part, but Mommy could really use just a minute to herself every once in awhile...

It's a funk. I can't help it. I've yet to figure out a way to push myself out of it. I'm trying to focus on the new year, setting new goals, starting over, blah blah blahhhh.

I'm on edge, that's for sure.

Oh, life.

2009-12-23T17:00:00.003-06:00

We are settling in to our new home. Boxes have been unpacked or shuffled to the basement for sorting later. Shelves have been constructed, furniture placed, beds put together and rearranged several times. Toy placement has been played with, resorted, moved around. The dishes pile up. We clean them. They reappear. The laundry is constantly washed, seldom put away, as we are still figuring out where clean laundry should reside.

It's starting to feel like home.

I'm beginning to smile again at the little things I had taken for granted.

The little pets lined up in neat rows on the floor, sorted by animal type.

The eight or so balls underneath the couch, where they had rolled out of reach of little fingers.

The letter and number magnets that cover the refrigerator, holding up school and homemade art projects.

The coat rack that holds each of their little coats, next to my husband's.

They make me smile endlessly and always. Despite any issues that may arise in our day to day life, seeing their smiling little faces, having them reach their hand out for mine, hearing that sweet, "Mama!" (or "MOM!" depending on the mood of the Princess) - these are the things that make my day to day life so infinitely wonderful.

I try and remember these things while they are pushing and screaming and making me want to tear my hair out. I remind myself that these moments will only last for a short while, and soon they will be past this stage. Then I remember that this really will only last a short while - and I should slow down and enjoy every second I can.

Midnight Conversations

2009-12-11T23:19:00.003-06:00

Princess wanders out of her room after being asleep for several hours and asks me to come and tuck her in. I, of course, oblige, and as I'm leaving her room, the following conversation takes place, while her eyes are closed:

Princess: Mommy, can you move the crayons for me?

Me: *chuckle* Sure, baby, I'll move them.

Princess: Mommy, I know it's really in my imagination, so it's okay if you don't move them.

Smart cookie, she is! I then go to the kitchen and pop some popcorn (don't judge me!). About 20 minutes later, out she comes:

Princess: Mama, my pillow smells like popcorn!

Then she turns and proceeds back into her room with her smelly pillow, and I return to my delicious popcorn.

There's light at the end of the tunnel!

2009-11-30T01:25:00.002-06:00

Color me introspective tonight! I see potential, I feel it, I'm feeling myself finally getting back on the proverbial path. It's a wonderful feeling. Having faith and hope that things will work out, and then acting on that faith and hope, actually gets you somewhere! Who knew, right? It feels good.

We've finally found ourselves in a new home, and after some new furniture, some rearranging (and more rearranging), and some unpacking, it's really starting to feel like home. The kids are getting on a schedule, which is a plus. I'm working on my own schedule so I can work more productively from home. It's there - right within our reach! We can do this!

I'm overflowing with excitement at the possibilities that lie ahead of us. I haven't been able to sleep yet tonight because I'm planning and plotting!

Life is good.

Tears.

2009-10-25T12:14:00.003-05:00

I keep looking at incredibly sad blogs today, and the tears just keep on coming. It breaks my heart. I feel so much sadness and pain for families I've never met. In turn, I'm so utterly grateful for my own family, but so scared knowing how that could all be lost in mere seconds.

How do people live knowing that their entire world could change so quickly? I guess we don't think about it. If we were to dwell on the possibilities, we'd miss the here and now. So I'm hugging my babies a little tighter today, reminding them how much I love them and how awesome they are. Reminding my husband that I'm so in love with him and so grateful for our life together. Sending my love to all of my family and friends here and elsewhere.

I'm wiping away these tears and going to enjoy my wonderful here and now.

The Corner.

2009-08-21T19:08:00.005-05:00

I grew up in a great neighborhood in Detroit. We were the last few blocks before leaving the city. We knew the neighbors well and they knew us. Kids played in the yard and in the street, and everybody looked out for them. We moved there when I was around one, sometime before my twin brothers were born. We lived there until just a few months before I started high school when we moved to a neighboring city.

One of my favorite memories was waiting for my dad after work.

My dad worked for the Board of Education in a nearby high school. He worked during the day, so he'd get off work around 3:00pm and it only took him minutes to get home. He took the same route home everyday - driving through the park and turning left on to our street.

Everyday during the summer, at just after 3:00pm, my brothers and I would grab our bikes (or sometimes just walk) down to the corner to wait for him. Everyday we would sit there, waiting as patiently as children can, our eyes fixed on the park, waiting for the first glimpse of his car. As he drove closer, we'd all get in ready position and as soon as he'd make the turn on our street, we were off!! Everyday we would race dad home.

There were days that my brothers didn't want to go with me to the corner. I'd go alone, and wait for my dad. Sometimes he'd beat me home, sometimes he'd let me win. He mostly let me win.

I can still picture his face as he rounded the corner, always smiling at us. I can still feel the excitement of the race. It was a big deal.

It's been over 12 years since we moved away from that house. So much has changed. My parents are no longer married. My dad is remarried. I haven't seen my dad in over a year. We've been home for almost three months and I have not seen him. Somehow we've gotten to this place where we don't communicate. Not just me, but he doesn't communicate with any of his children the way he used to.

I still get excited, just a bit, when I see he calls or when he texts, as rarely as it happens. I feel like that little girl standing on the corner, just waiting for a glimpse of her daddy. I wait a lot more these days than I did when I was little, but I still wait. I know he'll come, eventually.

I drive by our old house sometimes. It's my happy place, I guess. We were happy there. I drive past that corner and smile, remembering.

My dad still works at the same school he worked at 12 years a go. I sometimes wonder if he drives past our old house, where we were happy, and think about us. I wonder if he drives past that corner and smiles, remembering.

I hold on to the hope that he does.

She's growing up...but I didn't agree to that!

2009-08-20T19:22:00.003-05:00

It seems like just yesterday I was in the hospital, high as a kite, laughing my way through 13 hours of labor. The Princess made her grand entrance into this world in the afternoon (as is the tradition of the women in our family, all PM babies!) on a Monday, with the sun streaming through the window of our hospital room. That's what I remember most about that day - how it went from dark to light in what seemed like seconds, as if her presence had brightened our room, our world, our hearts.

Oh, and I also remember the first thing she did as she emerged into the bright room was poop on my foot and the doctor. First impressions, I tell ya...

Today began the next chapter of her bright little life. I signed her up for pre-school.

To be completely honest, I am a wreck. How do I leave my bright, creative, energetic baby with some person who does not know her or understand her spirit? She's bubbly and happy and smart as a whip. She moves through life with a skip in her step, her blonde curls bouncing everywhere she goes. She brightens the room when she enters with her beautiful smile, her quick wit, her sparkling eyes. How can I be sure that these people at her school will take my bright, spirited baby under their wing and foster her creativity and energy? How can I be sure that her beautiful spirit will be accepted and not frowned upon? How can I be sure that they will just accept her as she is, and not look at her as unruly or misbehaving when she sings a Taylor Swift song randomly at the top of her lungs in the middle of the day, or when she goes on one of her great adventures with her pal Swiper and her pet Lamb (whether they come to class or not!)? Oh gosh, and those kids...they better be nice to her! How can I protect her from cruel children? How can I be sure she is strong enough to let those comments roll off her back? How can I be sure that she comes home from that school still bubbly and shining and bright?

How do I not be the crazy mother who drives by twenty times during recess and peers through the windows of her classroom???

My poor kid. I should be more worried about how embarrassed she's going to be by her stalker mother following her around her college campus in 14 years....

Wait. 14 years until she is in college??? That's it??? I am so not ready for any of this!!

So tonight I'm not going to worry about her waking up in the middle of the night and cuddling up next to me and whispering, "Hold me, Mama" as she plays with my hair. Because in 14 years, she's going to be sleeping in her college dorm room, completely unconcerned about her mother...

...who will probably be peering in her window!

For the Mamas.

2009-05-11T01:04:00.005-05:00

It's Mother's Day! I've had a few now, I'm a seasoned pro! I snuggled with my littlest one and whispered in his ear how grateful I am to be his mommy, and how happy that we get to celebrate our second Mother's Day together. I pulled my big girl in for a hug and whispered in her ear how grateful I am to be her mommy, and how she, being the first, made me a mommy. I have two smiling, laughing, amazing, wonderful, happy children. I am so blessed and so grateful that God found me worthy to be the mother of these two. Sometimes I don't feel like I can handle it, and I don't feel that I'm doing a good enough job, but all it takes is a sweet, "Mama, you are my best friend ever!" from my princess, or the dimply smiled boy extending his arms in the air to me when I come home to make me realize that I'm not doing such a bad job after all.

There are many mother figures in my life. My own mother, who is my best friend and cheerleader in life, who has taught me more about life and about myself than I could even begin to put into words. She is the mom I want to be. She is my true inspiration. I miss her so much. I have two wonderful grandmothers, who love me, despite and because of my faults. I disappoint them and call them to beg for money, and they still love me. They are wonderful women, and I'm lucky to have them in my life. I have two amazing aunts who support me and love me and my family. They have been there through some rough things the past few years, and without their support, I'm not sure how I would have handled things. I'm grateful to have them in my life. My husband has a second-mother, if you will, and she adores him and me and our kids. She's been a great source of comfort to my husband when he needs it, and she dotes on my children and makes them feel loved and wanted constantly. She's a wonderful gift to our family.

I could go on and on.

The point is...every single one of those amazing women live approximately 1400 miles away from me. How did that happen? Well, we were in a rough place. We couldn't get a handle on our lives, we couldn't figure out what needed to be done. We took a big leap and moved across the country. I don't think it was a bad thing, and I don't regret making this choice. We've learned a lot about ourselves, what is most important to our family, where our values and ideals lie. We've grown closer as a couple and closer to our children. We've finally figured out where our priorities are. I don't know what, if anything, will happen right now, but it's fairly evident that we are in for yet another major, life-changing leap. This time we're going to land somewhere where we are wanted and loved and cared about, unconditionally.

So, change is in the air. Again. Maybe. Possibly. Probably. We'll see how things advance as the days go on. Either way, I'm grateful for these incredibly women who have molded and shaped my life, who have loved me constantly, and who love and support my husband and children. That's what true family is, and I'm so lucky to have such an amazing one, and so happy that we've finally figured out how important that is to us.

Happy Mother's Day, to all the amazing moms in my life.

Rewind...Start Over...Again...

2009-04-18T23:52:00.011-05:00

That's right, I'm starting over. Why not, right? That's how I feel. It's my life, I'm allowed a do-over or two or twelve, whatever it takes to get this whole thing right! This probably won't be the last time I start over. That's okay. As long as I keep trying, I'll get to my goal eventually.

What exactly is my goal? That's a good question. As always, I have a ton. Lose weight. Make more money. Work from home. Play/coach softball. Go to college. Graduate college. Be a good mother. Be happy. Change the world. All that jazz.

So in starting over, where exactly do I start? No clue. I usually think too much and plan too big and then get lazy and give it all up because it would have taken too much time and energy to even begin to accomplish it all. Maybe I start smaller? Maybe I don't need to change the world today. Maybe I don't need to solve every problem in my life and every problem in everybody around me's life today. Some of that can at least wait until tomorrow, right? Yeah, maybe.

Let's make some realistic goals. Some attainable, realistic goals. First off, I gotta lose some weight. I was doing so great at the beginning of the year. I was working out regularly, eating semi-decently, and I was seeing a change. Right now I feel like I've blimped back up and all my hard work has been for nothing. I don't WANT to exercise right now. That makes me feel worse about myself, thus feeling the need to crawl into bed with my self-pity and my bag of cheddar and sour cream potato chips. Probably not the most effective way to make a change, eh? It's certainly got complicated now that the husband is working different hours. I can't spend the time after work in the gym. But why can't I wake myself up earlier and go before work? Why can't I do more at home? I've got no good answer for any of that. I sure can get up earlier. I sure can work out at home. I can do all of that. I just can't be lazy anymore.

Moving on. School. I'm going back in the fall, and you can't stop me! That's right! I still have entirely too many career goals, but at least I'm going back. I need to call the local school on Monday to update my application and see what I need to do next.

Going along with that, I really need to organize my life so that my schooling doesn't interfere with the rest of my chaotic life. Well, okay, so at least it won't interfere as much as it COULD.

All of this goes along with the happiness thing. I can be happy. I can be a better mother. I can manage it all. I just can't be all talk anymore.

So off on the journey I go. Again. Follow along if you want. It sure will be a bumpy ride, that much I can promise you!

I'm making progress!

2009-01-09T11:25:00.003-06:00

For the first time in as long as I can remember, I've actually lost weight. Amazing! I'm down 6.2 pounds since the first of the year. I feel motivated to continue! Who knew it could happen? The hard part is figuring out the whole food thing. If I can get a handle on that, start eating healthier, this whole thing will be a breeze! LOL, well, okay, not quite a "breeze", but it certainly is becoming doable!

I have so much that I still need to get on track with. The house, the kids, money. Time with my husband NOT spent arguing. Finding a new church that fits us. Making friends. Feeling like me again. It's a lot, and when I look at how much I have to do, I get a bit overwhelmed. I'm trying to break things up a bit, doing a little here, a little there, accomplishing one small goal at a time. I've broken up most of my large goals into smaller goals that will add up to achieving the large goal. It makes it more realistic and I feel like I'm actually getting somewhere.

For example, my house is trashed. That is the best way to describe it. If you came to my front door right now, I would ignore you and pretend I'm not home so that I wouldn't have to let you in and see how horrible it is! My problem is that our work schedules are still crazy and because Baby Boy has refused to sleep, I'm too exhausted to spend any time cleaning anything. So there it sits. The husband is in the same boat, we're just exhausted. When I feel that way, and have such limited time, I'd rather spend it playing with the kiddos then cleaning the house. So today I took some time, while playing with the kids, and cleaned one room. Tomorrow I'll do another, and do upkeep on the first room. Sunday will be the kitchen, and upkeep on the other two rooms. Eventually we'll get to a place where it's just daily pick-up stuff. At least, that's what I'm hoping for!

It sounds so easy when I type it out! I just turned around and looked at the dining room table. *sigh* This will take some work, but hey, one day I know we'll be able to enjoy being at home!! We WILL!!

Why not begin at the beginning?

2009-01-04T11:56:00.004-06:00

A new year has started, thus starts the talk of New Years Resolutions, followed quickly by laughter and jokes about how nobody ever sticks to resolutions. Why don't we? I always forget what I said by the end of the month, or never made any to begin with, or it's something that you've been meaning to change for years so as easy as the resolution came, out the door it went.

Some New Years I am met with no major feeling of "newness" or "change". It's just another day. This year was quite the opposite. 2008 brought many challenges and changes, and I'm just now wrapping my head around what I want and what needs to be done to get there. So why not use January 1 as my time to focus in on what needs to be done? It's as good a time as any, right?

Exactly.

So here we are, new year, new me. It's that easy.

*insert laughter here*

Okay, I'm not that naive (despite what you may have heard). It's going to take a lot of work. I feel ready and willing to take on that work this time. What's the difference? I don't know. Necessity, maybe? Perhaps I'm just fed up with the "old me"? That could be it. No matter the reason, this is the season (haha!) for change!

Maybe some of you out there will join me this year! Let's shed the past, shed the weight, shed the negativity, and go forward into the new year as the NEW you!

Maybe I'll start tomorrow...

Just kidding. :)

Catching up on life.

2008-12-27T00:38:00.002-06:00

Catching up on life - haha, yeah right! Easier said than done! I feel like I am constantly running in circles, trying to keep up with a constantly growing to-do list. I keep saying that I just need a day off from work to catch up, but on those days I am just too exhausted to accomplish anything! My seasonal job ends in three more weeks so hopefully that will allow us to all fit into a smoother schedule. I am going to use that time to focus on my regular part-time job and starting a business from home. More importantly, I'm going to use that time to focus more on my kids and our life as a whole, sticking to our schedules and having more fun time.

The husband and I have been talking. We CAN make this all work. Despite the many (and I mean MANY) setbacks that have come our way, we can still make this all work. We love each other and are in this for the long haul. We love and adore our children. We work hard. We have goals, and we will achieve them.

After a very long day at work, I'm going to throw some laundry in the dryer and do a load of dishes and head to bed. Tomorrow is a repeat of today, but Sunday brings some time off to enjoy with my family who are in town visiting us. Yay!

Update.

2008-12-13T10:42:00.003-06:00

It's been awhile. We have been working like crazy around here. I'm juggling two jobs, the brother is getting more hours at his job, and the husband just started a new job this week. We are determined to make ends meet - eventually!

The munchkins are well. Both are visiting the doctor this week - Princess is getting some blood tests and Baby Boy is following up on some food intolerance issues. He also has a CT coming up. Fun stuff. Not.

Our family is coming in from the great state up north! Grandma will be here in 6 days, mom and brother will be here in 8. I can't stand the waiting - I'm beyond excited!

I'm exhausted, cranky, and feel incredibly unorganized. Tomorrow I don't work and am hoping to wake up refreshed and ready to accomplish the many tasks on the ever-growing list I have in my planner. That's the plan, at least.

Sigh.

2008-11-18T17:46:00.003-06:00

We've become an extremely busy family over the course of a few days, and it SEEMS like we are handling it well so far, but I'm already starting to feel the exhaustion! My brother is working two jobs, I'm working two jobs, the husband has one and is searching for another. We're trying our best to make ends meet, and keep a handle on the children. We've become master schedulers, keeping track of where everybody is supposed to be and organizing rides the night before. Of course, it's only day two, so maybe "master" isn't quite the word...

The hubby and I are taking our boy to the doctor tomorrow for the results of his head x-rays. I feel pretty confident in expecting positive results, but it will be nice to hear it from the doctor. For those not in the know, his soft spot was partially closed, we noticed it at two months of age when he had x-rays done which showed that it was closed but not enough for surgery. Now we're following up with new images to make sure things are still on the right track, and to discuss how we will continue watching him, what to look for, etc. - our "plan of action". I'm feeling confident, his head has been growing properly and he is definitely on time developmentally. I just get nervous everytime he spits up or coughs or wheezes...is it too much? Is that normal? Does it mean brain swelling? I just keep praying.

2008-11-15T16:08:00.002-06:00

I took initiative and went and found myself a job. After over a year of being out of the workforce, I've jumped back in head first. I've got two jobs for now. I'm starting a retail position this week part-time, and an office position the following week part-time. The retail position is only seasonal, but the extra income is really going to help us.

Now comes the part I forgot about. That motherly guilt thing. Feeling guilty for leaving my kids at home and feeling like I'm missing out on their lives. Like they will hate me for working. I know that's not the case, but for whatever reason, us moms seem to be convinced of it!

Still no focus - what the heck!

2008-11-11T08:25:00.003-06:00

My lack of motivation is slowly catching up to me. The husband did most of the dishes this weekend, which gave the illusion of cleanliness in the kitchen. We had to rearrange the living room because our couch broke, and by doing so it opened the entire living room up and now you can see the mess from any point in the house. The mess consists mostly of baby toys, discarded clothing from both children, diapers and wipes, spit rags, baby paraphenalia that hasn't been used in months, and piles of the toddler's toys neatly organized in various places around the room. Compile the overwhelming feeling of dirtiness on top of the fact that because the baby boy has been teething for the last week or so, mama hasn't slept much, and I am really amazed if any of this entry comes out even semi-coherent because I am beyond exhaustion.

I have so much to do, so much I WANT to do, but it really requires me to sit down, prioritize, and DO something. I'm sort of stumbling through my morning routine today, and when I'm done with that I think I'll be ready to get down to business.

I will search for some focus today. It's been awhile since I've had any.

Lack of focus.

2008-11-07T14:29:00.002-06:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I know, kind of scary. Though all I seem to do lately is think. There is no action behind the thoughts. I'm trying to figure out what to do on many levels, family, kids, husband, friends, family, social, personal. So much is going on. I can't get a handle on anything. I feel so...disconnected.

I want so much, I just can't get a handle on things. I can't focus.

It has taken me almost an hour to get this far in this blog.

Now the boys are home, so I'm going to attempt to make myself useful elsewhere.

*sigh*

History has been made!

2008-11-04T23:27:00.004-06:00

I just finished watching Barack Obama's acceptance speech. As usual, I have chills. I sat here in front of the television with my husband and children, both of whom were fast asleep and completely oblivious to what was happening. We watched history in the making. This is one of those events that our grandchildren will come home from school and ask us about. It's exciting!

On other fronts, the job search is moving toward the positive end, and that's something!

I guess I don't have a lot to say tonight. I'm excited, thrilled, happy, elated, you name it tonight. I'm 1 for 2 in my vote for president winning. Not too bad. :) I'm excited for our future.

WE CAN!

If you could see inside my head...

2008-10-21T23:30:00.002-05:00

This is me kicking myself. Can you see it? Okay, probably not, as you are reading this somewhere other than in front of my actual being, but I'm sure you can picture it, if not feel the breeze - cause it's a mighty hard kick! I have THOUGHTS STUCK IN MY HEAD. Seriously. They are RIGHT THERE. I physically feel heavy in my brain because I know what I want but I CAN'T GET IT OUT! It's annoying to say the least.

I feel crazy. Insane, even. If I had any energy, I'd go running around outside and scream my head off. I have creative energy, just no physical energy left. Perhaps that is why my brain can't send the damn thoughts I've been trying to get out for the past hour to wherever they are supposed to go to make sense! I should probably sleep. However, I CAN'T SLEEP because I have too many thoughts in my head!! See the problem?? UGH!!

I just finished reading a random blog about a woman who could not relate to her 4 year old daughter. She used swear words in her blog. I fell in love immediately and bookmarked the page. Seriously, I feel her pain!

I'm becoming an avid lover of the goddess that calls herself Super Nanny. I grabbed her book off my shelf today after being inspired by my friend on my mom's group, and man oh man, did I miss Super Nanny! She is so straightforward, and holds back nothing! Her book is written like her television show - she is that blunt. I just love it. I NEED IT. Sanity, schedules, patience, organization, air. I NEED IT ALL.

I need my mom to boost my creativeness. She can't be sitting at the phone waiting on my ever need, though, she is busy working on her own survival, and I get that. But when did I become so self-reliant that she could let me move away and attempt to raise these kids and follow my dreams and write an opening paragraph for my website all by myself???? Is she NUTS??? Maybe I need to move home into her basement and whine to her about how I am just a child myself and can't figure these things out. Whining in person has always scored more points, more hugs, and better advice! (and gets my paragraphs written for me....)

So, here I sit, all pretend-adult-like, with two little PEOPLE who have actual needs and wants that can't be fulfilled on their own, who have it in their crazy little heads that I am the sanest person around to help them achieve whatever it is they need or want, and I have no choice but to figure this whole thing out on my own. All pretend-adult-like. They are cute, but eventually they will see through this facade and realize that the woman they call "Mom" has really no CLUE what she is doing!! I think the big one already has that one figured out...

*******10 minutes later....**********

*sigh* Then there are moments like that, where I become Super Mama. The little one wakes up, I can't quite tell if he's just fussing or actually awake so I give him a minute to attempt to fall back asleep on his own. That doesn't work, and I can tell he's standing up (oh yes, he does that now, too!), so I go pick him up and attempt to rock him, and sure enough, the big one comes in, wide awake, asking if I can take little one to Daddy so I can lay with her. Daddy, of course, is fast asleep and unaware that existence has continued past the moment his head hit the pillow. So I take her back to bed, tuck her in, kiss her, and stand in her room rocking the baby and reassuring her that I wouldn't leave until she was asleep. All it took was 10 minutes and it's back to peace and quiet around here. Not bad, huh? Not a world record or anything, but a confidence booster nonetheless!!

So, I guess, the moral of all of this is that though I desperately feel like I'm about to fall off a cliff at any given moment, I can do this, and I can do it WELL. I love them both so much and that's the best thing I can do for them! Mama's going to have cranky moments, and there will be dirty dishes in my sink (much to my grandpa's chagrin, I'm sure), and the laundry will never be caught up, and there will always be somebody's fingerprints on something, but I LOVE my kids, and I play with them, and I cuddle with them, and I laugh with them, and I just enjoy their presence in my life so much (even at 3:00am, don't let me fool you!), that none of that other crap really matters. We'll make it.

AND THESE DAMN THOUGHTS ARE STILL STUCK IN MY HEAD. After all that. *sigh*

Time for another glass of kool-aid...

Wow.

2008-09-27T23:02:00.001-05:00

I'm exhausted, but extremely happy. I'm renewed, even. I came to a realization today, and so far I am sticking to this positivity. However, I am exhausted, so hopefully I can come back tomorrow and still feel this way, so I can share it with you!

I want to post, but I got nothin'.

2008-09-20T00:23:00.002-05:00

I've had pretty much a "blah" day. I realize that those days are going to continue to happen, I just hope that I can get them to start coming a little less frequently. I was upset by some emails, which was silly and completely not what I interpreted it as. Once I relaxed a little, I had more family issues to deal with. That's what keeps upsetting me the most at the moment. I hate feeling so powerless when it comes to the situation I'm in. I have very little choices. I don't like feeling trapped, and I especially don't like feeling as if I am dirt. That's just on one side of the family. If we shift to the other, I have a whole new list of things to dwell on. Always healthy.

I've got a topic to write about that I'm not sure I've spoke about to anybody. Perhaps I can get to that tomorrow. I want to be able to put my entire focus into it, and can't really do that effectively at almost 1:00am.

I guess I don't have a lot to say at the moment. Just proud of myself that I made it through another "blah" day, and this time with some clarity and realization that everything is, and will be, just fine. I can rest a little easier tonight. I hope!

Mission to Change - Topic 1

2008-09-18T18:59:00.004-05:00

I'm really making the effort to change myself completely for the better, and this time I'm going to follow through with it completely. I know for a fact that I will stumble along the way, but I will be a better person for it, a better woman for it, a better mother for it.

Today is about my relationship with my children.

I feel like I'm, generally speaking, a good mother. I certainly have my moments when I really just want to escape from it all, but that's pretty normal. I feel, though, that I sometimes become absent in my days with them. I'm here, but I'm not HERE. My mind is somewhere else completely, and I don't have the energy for anything. A simple request for something to drink is sometimes met with an angry reply that is completely undeserved. This isn't constant, but it's much more often than I would like. They are growing up entirely too fast and I can't take it. All of these beautiful baby moments are slipping by and I'm missing them.

So my goal for myself is to take a few minutes (or longer, if time permits, and hopefully it will!) to really sit down and have a moment with each of them, everyday. Yesterday, while my son was napping, my daughter asked me to play with her. I immediately turned the television off and made that effort to play with her, and we had a great time. She likes to set up all of her house toys just like me. :) It was that simple, and it made her day. And mine, too. Next up, while my daughter was finishing up her lunch and getting ready to take her nap, my son woke up and when I went to get him out of bed, he immediately smiled and lifted his one arm to me (he leans on the other one). It melts my heart, and I relished in his small embrace, his hand on my cheek as I kiss him and tell him how happy I am to see him. We played together on the floor, him giggling the entire time, his sister laughing and clapping everytime he attempted to sit up. It was a wonderful moment, and one that I want repeated as often as possible.

It's that simple. I regularly have good moments with my kids everyday, but really telling myself to push past that fog in my head really made me become a happier, more approachable mom. I really feel that both kids responded to it, too. I was amazed at what it did for me. I really felt HAPPY, which isn't something I feel all the time.

Today, while my daughter was sleeping, I sat down again with my son and played with him. He giggled and laughed and his beautiful blue eyes were shining. He really has the most gorgeous blue eyes! Watching him crawl and explore, and letting me come along for the ride, is something I'm going to hold on to as long as I can. My daughter is out at the store now with her daddy, so when she gets home, her and I are going to do something fun together.

Even if it's not one-on-one time, I'm going to make a point of letting myself really experience my children every single day. I feel like I'm giving myself a really great gift. I feel so rewarded and just so lucky. This is something I can do, and will do, every single day. We will all benefit from it.

*We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand...and melting like a snowflake. Let us use it before it is too late. ~ Marie Beynon*