Sigh.

We've become an extremely busy family over the course of a few days, and it SEEMS like we are handling it well so far, but I'm already starting to feel the exhaustion! My brother is working two jobs, I'm working two jobs, the husband has one and is searching for another. We're trying our best to make ends meet, and keep a handle on the children. We've become master schedulers, keeping track of where everybody is supposed to be and organizing rides the night before. Of course, it's only day two, so maybe "master" isn't quite the word...

The hubby and I are taking our boy to the doctor tomorrow for the results of his head x-rays. I feel pretty confident in expecting positive results, but it will be nice to hear it from the doctor. For those not in the know, his soft spot was partially closed, we noticed it at two months of age when he had x-rays done which showed that it was closed but not enough for surgery. Now we're following up with new images to make sure things are still on the right track, and to discuss how we will continue watching him, what to look for, etc. - our "plan of action". I'm feeling confident, his head has been growing properly and he is definitely on time developmentally. I just get nervous everytime he spits up or coughs or wheezes...is it too much? Is that normal? Does it mean brain swelling? I just keep praying.

I took initiative and went and found myself a job. After over a year of being out of the workforce, I've jumped back in head first. I've got two jobs for now. I'm starting a retail position this week part-time, and an office position the following week part-time. The retail position is only seasonal, but the extra income is really going to help us.

Now comes the part I forgot about. That motherly guilt thing. Feeling guilty for leaving my kids at home and feeling like I'm missing out on their lives. Like they will hate me for working. I know that's not the case, but for whatever reason, us moms seem to be convinced of it!

Still no focus - what the heck!

My lack of motivation is slowly catching up to me. The husband did most of the dishes this weekend, which gave the illusion of cleanliness in the kitchen. We had to rearrange the living room because our couch broke, and by doing so it opened the entire living room up and now you can see the mess from any point in the house. The mess consists mostly of baby toys, discarded clothing from both children, diapers and wipes, spit rags, baby paraphenalia that hasn't been used in months, and piles of the toddler's toys neatly organized in various places around the room. Compile the overwhelming feeling of dirtiness on top of the fact that because the baby boy has been teething for the last week or so, mama hasn't slept much, and I am really amazed if any of this entry comes out even semi-coherent because I am beyond exhaustion.



I have so much to do, so much I WANT to do, but it really requires me to sit down, prioritize, and DO something. I'm sort of stumbling through my morning routine today, and when I'm done with that I think I'll be ready to get down to business.



I will search for some focus today. It's been awhile since I've had any.

Lack of focus.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I know, kind of scary. Though all I seem to do lately is think. There is no action behind the thoughts. I'm trying to figure out what to do on many levels, family, kids, husband, friends, family, social, personal. So much is going on. I can't get a handle on anything. I feel so...disconnected.

I want so much, I just can't get a handle on things. I can't focus.

It has taken me almost an hour to get this far in this blog.

Now the boys are home, so I'm going to attempt to make myself useful elsewhere.

*sigh*

History has been made!

I just finished watching Barack Obama's acceptance speech. As usual, I have chills. I sat here in front of the television with my husband and children, both of whom were fast asleep and completely oblivious to what was happening. We watched history in the making. This is one of those events that our grandchildren will come home from school and ask us about. It's exciting!

On other fronts, the job search is moving toward the positive end, and that's something!

I guess I don't have a lot to say tonight. I'm excited, thrilled, happy, elated, you name it tonight. I'm 1 for 2 in my vote for president winning. Not too bad. :) I'm excited for our future.

WE CAN!

If you could see inside my head...

This is me kicking myself. Can you see it? Okay, probably not, as you are reading this somewhere other than in front of my actual being, but I'm sure you can picture it, if not feel the breeze - cause it's a mighty hard kick! I have THOUGHTS STUCK IN MY HEAD. Seriously. They are RIGHT THERE. I physically feel heavy in my brain because I know what I want but I CAN'T GET IT OUT! It's annoying to say the least.

I feel crazy. Insane, even. If I had any energy, I'd go running around outside and scream my head off. I have creative energy, just no physical energy left. Perhaps that is why my brain can't send the damn thoughts I've been trying to get out for the past hour to wherever they are supposed to go to make sense! I should probably sleep. However, I CAN'T SLEEP because I have too many thoughts in my head!! See the problem?? UGH!!

I just finished reading a random blog about a woman who could not relate to her 4 year old daughter. She used swear words in her blog. I fell in love immediately and bookmarked the page. Seriously, I feel her pain!

I'm becoming an avid lover of the goddess that calls herself Super Nanny. I grabbed her book off my shelf today after being inspired by my friend on my mom's group, and man oh man, did I miss Super Nanny! She is so straightforward, and holds back nothing! Her book is written like her television show - she is that blunt. I just love it. I NEED IT. Sanity, schedules, patience, organization, air. I NEED IT ALL.

I need my mom to boost my creativeness. She can't be sitting at the phone waiting on my ever need, though, she is busy working on her own survival, and I get that. But when did I become so self-reliant that she could let me move away and attempt to raise these kids and follow my dreams and write an opening paragraph for my website all by myself???? Is she NUTS??? Maybe I need to move home into her basement and whine to her about how I am just a child myself and can't figure these things out. Whining in person has always scored more points, more hugs, and better advice! (and gets my paragraphs written for me....)

So, here I sit, all pretend-adult-like, with two little PEOPLE who have actual needs and wants that can't be fulfilled on their own, who have it in their crazy little heads that I am the sanest person around to help them achieve whatever it is they need or want, and I have no choice but to figure this whole thing out on my own. All pretend-adult-like. They are cute, but eventually they will see through this facade and realize that the woman they call "Mom" has really no CLUE what she is doing!! I think the big one already has that one figured out...

*******10 minutes later....**********

*sigh* Then there are moments like that, where I become Super Mama. The little one wakes up, I can't quite tell if he's just fussing or actually awake so I give him a minute to attempt to fall back asleep on his own. That doesn't work, and I can tell he's standing up (oh yes, he does that now, too!), so I go pick him up and attempt to rock him, and sure enough, the big one comes in, wide awake, asking if I can take little one to Daddy so I can lay with her. Daddy, of course, is fast asleep and unaware that existence has continued past the moment his head hit the pillow. So I take her back to bed, tuck her in, kiss her, and stand in her room rocking the baby and reassuring her that I wouldn't leave until she was asleep. All it took was 10 minutes and it's back to peace and quiet around here. Not bad, huh? Not a world record or anything, but a confidence booster nonetheless!!

So, I guess, the moral of all of this is that though I desperately feel like I'm about to fall off a cliff at any given moment, I can do this, and I can do it WELL. I love them both so much and that's the best thing I can do for them! Mama's going to have cranky moments, and there will be dirty dishes in my sink (much to my grandpa's chagrin, I'm sure), and the laundry will never be caught up, and there will always be somebody's fingerprints on something, but I LOVE my kids, and I play with them, and I cuddle with them, and I laugh with them, and I just enjoy their presence in my life so much (even at 3:00am, don't let me fool you!), that none of that other crap really matters. We'll make it.

AND THESE DAMN THOUGHTS ARE STILL STUCK IN MY HEAD. After all that. *sigh*

Time for another glass of kool-aid...

Wow.

I'm exhausted, but extremely happy. I'm renewed, even. I came to a realization today, and so far I am sticking to this positivity. However, I am exhausted, so hopefully I can come back tomorrow and still feel this way, so I can share it with you!