I Dream...

Love got me thinking. (check out her blog - one of my most favorite reads!)

What do I dream of?

Happily ever after. Which is, really, much of my reality. Hard to believe sometimes. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Warm sheets and blankets fresh from the washer. Cuddled in bed together, kids and all. Our little family.

New shoes. Softball season. A college diploma.

A good book. A large fountain pop. Ben and Jerry's Snickerdoodle ice cream.

Getting closer to God. Letting Him mold these ideas that keep popping into my head and helping me find the path I'm meant to travel on.

Giving up my problems to Him.

Babies. And more babies. And more babies!

Shopping trips and singing in the car and lunch dates and playing dolls with my best girl.

Becoming a foster family. Adopting a baby who needs our family.

Creating a non-profit that really inspires change.

Cuddling and dancing and playing cars and coloring with my baby boy.

Letting myself feel the happy.

Forgiving. And being forgiven.

A house with room enough for us all to move about freely, but not too big that we forget to spend time together.

A date night alone with the man of my dreams, even if we never leave our comfy little house.

A fireplace. A window seat. A garden that is able to take care of itself because I often forget.

Notebooks. Pens. Stationary. Writing freely.

Post-it notes!

I dream of feeling even more loved and even more complete than I do at this very moment.

This isn't just a list of dreams...it's a list of what I'm grateful for. That sweet little girl, that precious baby boy. The husband who loves and supports my every dream and wish. The friends. The family. I'm so grateful.

I still dream for more. I'm working on putting in place the seeds to make these dreams happen.

It'll happen. I know He has something big in store for us. And if this is already it? That's pretty great, too. :)

Life Lessons.

I've been thinking this morning.

I started off angry. Somebody made judgements on people they had never met based solely off of their looks. I think it was some kind of veiled attempt at flattery, but the fact that this person thought making comments like that was okay really shocked me.

Weren't we all raised with the Golden Rule?

You know, whoever has the gold makes the rules...??

Okay, sorry, watched Aladdin yesterday, I couldn't stop myself!

What about not judging a book by it's cover?

What about treating others as we want to be treated?

What about just being NICE?

I thought that was a universal concept.

It amazes me how some people don't think like that.

I'm not angry anymore. I'm just very, very sad.

Part of what I want to change in this world is our perspectives on other people.

I want to help the homeless, the poor, the orphan, the disabled or the disfigured.

In our fun Disney viewing this past week, I also introduced my daughter to The Hunchback of Notre Dame. It had been awhile since I had seen it, so I wasn't sure if it was really age appropriate, but she begged and I was watching it with her, so we did it.

We had the most beautiful conversation about differences in people and how wonderful it is that we are all different!

We talked about how mean and cruel it was that people were yelling and making fun of Quasimodo.

We talked about how strong Esmeralda was to stand up in front of so many people and tell them to stop.

We talked about how what Esmeralda did was the right thing to do.

We talked about differences in appearances between people we know in real life. People with different color skin, different color eyes, different color hair. We noted that even her and I have different color skin.

We talked a lot about how people who look different than she does, especially in Quasimodo's case, are just the same as we are. They are people with feelings, and making fun of them is never okay.

Loving them is always okay, and is the right thing to do.

We talked about how calling Quasimodo ugly was hurtful. We talked about how calling anybody names was mean and hurtful.

We talked about what was different about Quasimodo. We talked about how nice he was, and she thought he was a good singer. :)

We talked about how those qualities were more important than what he looked like.

She grasped it, a little bit, anyway. But she's not yet five years old.

This is how it starts, however. I might not be able to change everybody's perspective of people all over the world, but I can do my best to raise my own children to be loving, kind, and accepting of all people.

My Secrets.

Outward goes my energy, so very little sometimes to give away.

The parts of me, deep inside, so precious, so they stay.

I wonder often if I whisper my dreams to the stars, might they come true?

Or if by saying them out loud the possibility will dissolve, too.

I ache and yearn for more than this.

The excitement, the love, fulfillment, the bliss.

It's not about what works for me, this is so much deeper than I can explain.

It's about our family, our sanity, our whole lives, our souls, so much to gain.

So instead of whispers and secrets, I'll just pray.

He knows what is best for us, and He'll have the final say.

I'll put my life in His hands, something I should do more often, and wait.

For a sign, for a star, for some idea of what His plan is and what is our fate.

Patience isn't my best virtue. I'm about planning and lists and goals.

I need to know. Not just in my head and in my heart, but in my soul.

What's going to happen? Yes? No? Silliest idea ever? Best plan yet?

What will You say, dear Lord? Is it a go? Are our lives already set?

Let it go, and let be.

Just wait and see.

I'll pray, and rest.

You always know best.

What is it?

I don't mean to always be so deep.

I just can't figure out what is missing.

What am I aching for?

What are You trying to tell me???

I'm content and happy...but longing for something.

It would be wonderful if this was easier.

But it's all part of the journey.

Cryptic ramblings!

I wonder what the future holds for our family.

I'm going back to school in the fall.

If all goes well, the husband will be, too.

It may be crazy and hectic for awhile, but it's so worth it.

He'll be happier.

I'll be happier.

Our family will be happier, in the long run.

I can't wait to change the world.

Make a difference, somehow.

I want so much more.

I have so much to give.

I want to achieve so many things.

My heart aches for so many things.

I feel incomplete.

There's room for so much more in our lives, I'm sure of it.

We'll make it wherever He plans for us to go.

I'm completely giving way to faith.

I know He has a plan for us.

For me.

My heart tells me so.

I will help.

I can help.

I can give and love and share.

I want to open my door and my heart to so much more.

To so many more.

It's a hard place to be, sometimes.

Wanting to speed things up so I can feel and see and touch everything I want.

Everything I see in our future.

But I don't want to miss all the wonderful things about now.

Right now.

With my loves and their gracious and wonderful spirits.

I want more.

But I want to stay right here and enjoy it just a little while longer.

I know that whatever He has planned for me in the next few weeks will take place.

If it's not part of His plan, so be it.

If it is, so be it.

It would be nice if the answers were clearer.

Not waiting to find out, just knowing.

My heart can't take it sometimes.

I hope that we'll all stay on the same path as the hours and days and weeks and months and years go on.

I want so much more for us.

We can give so much more!

My heart has room.

Lots of room.

This life is amazing.

Hi there, Monday!

I always have plans for these great blog posts.

I'll be driving somewhere and start writing the post in my head.

I get home, yeah, it's all gone.

What comes out is more of me rambling.

Sorry.

If you are surprised or horrified, you really should have read the title of the blog.

It ain't no lie!

My girl is heading into her last month of pre-school.

I'm excited for her to move on to the great unknown of kindergarten at her new school with new teachers and new friends and new experiences!

I'm also completely terrified.

I'm sending her to a bigger elementary school.

What if she gets lost?

What if she wanders off that playground? I drive by on my way home and always see kids playing near the openings and where the heck are the adults?

Is she going to miss me if she's gone all day every single day?

I'm not sure about this.

Yet I know she is so ready. I know that she will be safe. I'm in love with the school, the principal, and what they stand for.

I'm just not sure about my baby growing up.

My little boy is sick today.

He caught the bug his sister had been carrying around for a few days, I think.

She's so much better, thankfully.

The little man, not so much. He slept soundly, so hopefully today will be a better day (ya know, a little less vomiting in my hands, perhaps?).

I love how I can cuddle with both my kids at the same time.

What would I do with another one?

Oh, but my heart aches for more.

There's so much in my heart and my head for my life and for my family.

The husband and I are going to school, and we're going to achieve our dreams.

Our little house is coming together more and more each day.

Our babies are happy and loved.

We support each other.

I'm letting God deeper into my life.

I'm searching my heart for what is right.

Now my girl will be late for school because we have to leave in 20 minutes and I'm sitting here blogging away while she's snoring it up in the bedroom!

Mom, for the win.

Alright, it's getting a little clearer!

It's been a rough couple weeks.

The husband was in a car accident two weeks a go. Thankfully, he is okay. The car, on the other hand...not so much.

The positive... thanks to my brief stint at our car insurance company back in TX, I knew how affordable adding roadside assistance to our policy is, and I decided this time around to add it for both vehicles. I did that just a few months a go. So, with the accident, the husband was able to call the roadside assistance company and the car was towed back to our house, free of charge.

Thank God! When he told me he had the car towed, my heart sank, wondering how in the world we could afford that. Then I remembered. I'm so grateful!

The negative... we are down to one car. The more expensive car to keep full of gas, of course.

Two days a go I get a call from the husband on his way home from work telling me the only working vehicle had a flat tire and he wasn't able to open up whatever it was that held the spare in place.

The positive... roadside assistance to the rescue, again! We have unlimited usage, which is wonderful. They came and helped him get it out, and he was safely on his way home.

The negative... the only working vehicle now has a spare on it and we can't drive it very far. I'm not sure when we'll be able to get a new tire.

But you know what? Beyond these very rough couple weeks, I've had some clarity. I know that we'll be okay.

The other day something happened to the husband at work, something that shook him a bit. The next day he didn't have to visit this particular place, which has never happened before - it's a place he almost ALWAYS goes to.

I was amazed - I told him, "God was looking out for you!"

His response, "That was my exact thought, word for word."

Okay. I got it. We're on the same page.

God is looking out for us.

I know my blog has taken a turn lately, and I've been talking about my faith a lot more. It's a part of my life that I've seldom explored. I certainly have always believed in God, gone to church regularly (for the most part), prayed daily. I've never doubted. I've just never explored any type of relationship with God, or thought about my life in connection with my faith. It's always just kind of been there, on the surface. It's hard to explain, but I've been feeling like I have needed something to happen in my life. Something to help me ease myself from the pain and the stress. Some kind of reassurance. Some kind of purpose. Some kind of meaning.

It's a lot. It's heavy. It's not easy. But it is easy at the same time.

I've been down, worrying, stressing, trying to figure out what to do.

For right now? I'm still going to work hard at putting my family back together. I'm still going to work hard at balancing our budget. I'm still going to work hard to find other means of income. I'm still going to work hard to keep up the house. I'm still going to work hard to make sure my kids are happy, despite the vibe that's been in our house lately.

But I'm also going to give it up to God. I know He is there.

I feel lighter already.

Faith.

Where to begin?

I feel nervous posting this. My heart is beating rapidly. Is it because faith is such a personal thing? Or isn't it, shouldn't it be shared?

This is my struggle. I struggle with what my faith calls me to do. If it even calls. Does it call? I DON'T KNOW!

See the struggle?

I've gone to church almost every Sunday (and sometimes Friday, during the school year when I was enrolled in Catholic school) for my entire life. I trailed off a bit when I moved out on my own and didn't have my mother guilting me face-to-face to come. I hadn't gone to church in several months a few years back, and I had gone to visit my grandma and she told me she wished I'd go to church, and that she prayed for me.

Wow. Somebody prayed for me? I pray everyday. Sometimes it's out of habit, I'm fairly OCD at times and I have to do things a certain way often. I pray whenever I see an ambulance, fire truck, or even a police car with their lights on. I pray when I know somebody is sick or in the hospital. I pray whenever somebody asks me to pray. My usual prayer is specific only in that I pray for forgiveness and I pray that my family and friends are watched over and taken care of and protected.

But pray to just talk to God? Um, not so much.

It's not that I don't want to. I just don't get it. I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I've come across some blogs that really make me think and dig deeper. I've read that God calls people to do things or give things or say things. How does that happen? Have I ever heard God? I don't think I have. Am I just not listening? I don't even know how to listen.

Am I just not capable of it? It's not a question of belief, I don't think. I'm very confident in my belief that God exists and God provides for me and it's God who has given me life and love. I've never questioned that. So why don't I get to hear it?

I read Linny's blog today, and it made me think. Honestly, I had to look up the word "tithe". I had no idea. I give when I can. I'll give every last dollar or cent in my purse, pocket, floor of the car to a person in need that I see on the street. I often go certain routes just to make sure that I see somebody who I can help, just knowing there's always somebody standing on a particular corner. I donate my clothes and belongings when I can, either to goodwill or to a family in need. We gave presents this past Christmas to a family who had none for their children, who posted on freecycle with their needs, and my 4 year old daughter helped me pack away some toys for another little girl her age. I give to church sometimes. We live paycheck to paycheck (and sometimes we're not even that lucky), and it amazes me that people in our financial situation can give regularly. How do they do it? I need to figure that out.

I could give more. I'm sure we could. Just...how.

I want to give of my time more.

I want to figure out how faith works in my life. I can give specific instances where I know somebody was there protecting us. A light bulb burst in a standing lamp that was directly over my daughter's head when she was a baby, and the glass fell nowhere near her. It wasn't possible, the glass should have hit her. But it didn't. Somebody was there, protecting her. I know it. But I need to know how my faith works in my regular day-to-day life, not just in specific instances. I know that one day, when we are financially better off and we have a house of our own, we want to become foster parents. I'm sure that to make that decision we had to have been called to it, but I don't remember a call, I don't remember anything like that. I just wanted to do it. When I go to school in the fall, I'm working towards a degree that will teach me and guide me to help people in need. Was that another call? It's taken me years to figure out what I want to do with my life - did I figure it out, or did I just finally listen? How do you know?

Reading Linny's post today made me want to write something. I know this isn't short and to the point, but I don't know that I have a point! I wouldn't know what to ask for, and I don't even feel worth of asking. I just know how I had to say something.

Today, right this minute, we are okay. Thanks to our tax return, our bills are paid, we have a new vehicle that fits our family safely, I have no wants. In a few months, we'll fall behind again, and we'll make ends meet like we always do, someway. We'll be going back to school in the fall (if all goes well, we both will!), it'll be challenging, but it'll help us in the future. We have no wants in relation to college, because as of now we both have enough grants and scholarships to cover the cost. The only thing I wish that could happen would be to send my daughter to the Catholic school she attends for pre-school, but the cost for next year is just outrageous. Even with the payment plan offered, we'd never be able to afford it. So I pray that the local public school will fit her needs and that I'll be put at ease, because I feel horribly guilty. Even if we had the money now, her grade for next year is full and there is a waiting list already.

So I don't know what I'd even ask for. I just am grateful for this post today, because it has made me think, and maybe by reading the responses and the requests I'll be able to figure out how so many people can understand and hear God.

I think I'd like to, too.

jennymfv@hotmail.com