Hello, 2010 - can I have a do-over?

Yeah. Day ONE of the new year, and I'm already asking for a do-over.

It's a fair request, right? I mean, come on, you KNOW that when you play a game and mess up right off the bat you start over! Right? RIGHT?!?!

So, I want my do-over.

It wasn't a completely wasted day.

I started my new exercise/weight loss shindig today. That's a positive!

We moved in the extra dressers from the garage, I finished most of the dishes, we cleaned up a lot of the clothes that have been piling up because of the absence of the aforementioned dressers. All positives!

OK, so I was a little unnecessarily sharp with the kids today. Not often, but a little bit more than I needed to be. I'll take the negative on that one.

The husband. Yeah, that was a negative...

Mathematically speaking, I guess that's a wash. Two positives to two negatives...I'm still at square one. That would work if the weight loss and cleaning carried as much weight as my relationship with my kids and my husband.

Close, but not so much.

Thus why I need that stinkin' do-over!!

Come on, please, PLEASE, Mother Nature, Father Time, the New Year's baby, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, I don't care...somebody? Anybody? Please?

No?

Crap.

Oh, life.

We are settling in to our new home. Boxes have been unpacked or shuffled to the basement for sorting later. Shelves have been constructed, furniture placed, beds put together and rearranged several times. Toy placement has been played with, resorted, moved around. The dishes pile up. We clean them. They reappear. The laundry is constantly washed, seldom put away, as we are still figuring out where clean laundry should reside.

It's starting to feel like home.

I'm beginning to smile again at the little things I had taken for granted.

The little pets lined up in neat rows on the floor, sorted by animal type.

The eight or so balls underneath the couch, where they had rolled out of reach of little fingers.

The letter and number magnets that cover the refrigerator, holding up school and homemade art projects.

The coat rack that holds each of their little coats, next to my husband's.

They make me smile endlessly and always. Despite any issues that may arise in our day to day life, seeing their smiling little faces, having them reach their hand out for mine, hearing that sweet, "Mama!" (or "MOM!" depending on the mood of the Princess) - these are the things that make my day to day life so infinitely wonderful.

I try and remember these things while they are pushing and screaming and making me want to tear my hair out. I remind myself that these moments will only last for a short while, and soon they will be past this stage. Then I remember that this really will only last a short while - and I should slow down and enjoy every second I can.

Let's get goin'.

I am finding it a bit hard to start writing in this, but I tend to get writer's block when I start a new journal. Same thing goes with the journals I started for my kids. I always have the best of intentions, and I really WANT to write, I can just never get it started. That can stem all the way back to school. Anytime I had to write a report, I could never get it started, ever. That first paragraph always drove me crazy. My mom was the one who would always step in and calm me down and give me a few ideas. Where the heck is she when I need her now?

Far away, that's where. This whole living across the country thing isn't much fun. I go through moments when I'm fine with everything, then I go through moments where it feels like the world has ended. I'm really physically exhausted just from my emotions. I think I could deal with things if the family that I now live closer to acted in anyway like my family back home. Sure, my family certainly has moments where we don't get along, or specific people who tend to stir up excitement, but here, it's constant drama. CONSTANT. I try so hard to be accepted and be friendly, but it gets me nowhere but crying into my pillow. So, what's a girl to do?

What I usually do, I suppose. Keep trying. There is that small part of me that still wants everybody to like me (thought I would have lost that silly notion back in high school - not so much!), but it's mostly because I really just want peace and tranquility and a family that gets along, mostly for my children's sake. I want them to enjoy the family gatherings like I did when I was younger (funny how THAT has changed, too...). On top of that, I'm entirely too nice and forgiving. Though I've come across as the "bitch" to my new family, I'm still confused how that happened, it's okay, because I'm still going to keep trying. I don't give up on people. That can be good or bad, depending on the situation.

I have a homeless man's belongings in my shed even though he is somewhere 1400 miles away from me. Why? Because I don't give up on people. Ever. I haven't given up on my family yet, and I'm certainly not giving up on my extended family, either. I need to learn to compartmentalize better, to deal with these emotions as they come and not to let them devour my entire being.

I am fiercely unhappy these days, and it's hard sorting it out and deciding where to begin to make a change. I miss myself - my happy, bubbly self. I'm confident I can find her again. She's under there somewhere, under the pain, the anger, the pounds - she's there.

I've got too much good in my life to lose myself again. I've got too much at stake this time. This is the beginning of change.