This is me kicking myself. Can you see it? Okay, probably not, as you are reading this somewhere other than in front of my actual being, but I'm sure you can picture it, if not feel the breeze - cause it's a mighty hard kick! I have THOUGHTS STUCK IN MY HEAD. Seriously. They are RIGHT THERE. I physically feel heavy in my brain because I know what I want but I CAN'T GET IT OUT! It's annoying to say the least.
I feel crazy. Insane, even. If I had any energy, I'd go running around outside and scream my head off. I have creative energy, just no physical energy left. Perhaps that is why my brain can't send the damn thoughts I've been trying to get out for the past hour to wherever they are supposed to go to make sense! I should probably sleep. However, I CAN'T SLEEP because I have too many thoughts in my head!! See the problem?? UGH!!
I just finished reading a random blog about a woman who could not relate to her 4 year old daughter. She used swear words in her blog. I fell in love immediately and bookmarked the page. Seriously, I feel her pain!
I'm becoming an avid lover of the goddess that calls herself Super Nanny. I grabbed her book off my shelf today after being inspired by my friend on my mom's group, and man oh man, did I miss Super Nanny! She is so straightforward, and holds back nothing! Her book is written like her television show - she is that blunt. I just love it. I NEED IT. Sanity, schedules, patience, organization, air. I NEED IT ALL.
I need my mom to boost my creativeness. She can't be sitting at the phone waiting on my ever need, though, she is busy working on her own survival, and I get that. But when did I become so self-reliant that she could let me move away and attempt to raise these kids and follow my dreams and write an opening paragraph for my website all by myself???? Is she NUTS??? Maybe I need to move home into her basement and whine to her about how I am just a child myself and can't figure these things out. Whining in person has always scored more points, more hugs, and better advice! (and gets my paragraphs written for me....)
So, here I sit, all pretend-adult-like, with two little PEOPLE who have actual needs and wants that can't be fulfilled on their own, who have it in their crazy little heads that I am the sanest person around to help them achieve whatever it is they need or want, and I have no choice but to figure this whole thing out on my own. All pretend-adult-like. They are cute, but eventually they will see through this facade and realize that the woman they call "Mom" has really no CLUE what she is doing!! I think the big one already has that one figured out...
*******10 minutes later....**********
*sigh* Then there are moments like that, where I become Super Mama. The little one wakes up, I can't quite tell if he's just fussing or actually awake so I give him a minute to attempt to fall back asleep on his own. That doesn't work, and I can tell he's standing up (oh yes, he does that now, too!), so I go pick him up and attempt to rock him, and sure enough, the big one comes in, wide awake, asking if I can take little one to Daddy so I can lay with her. Daddy, of course, is fast asleep and unaware that existence has continued past the moment his head hit the pillow. So I take her back to bed, tuck her in, kiss her, and stand in her room rocking the baby and reassuring her that I wouldn't leave until she was asleep. All it took was 10 minutes and it's back to peace and quiet around here. Not bad, huh? Not a world record or anything, but a confidence booster nonetheless!!
So, I guess, the moral of all of this is that though I desperately feel like I'm about to fall off a cliff at any given moment, I can do this, and I can do it WELL. I love them both so much and that's the best thing I can do for them! Mama's going to have cranky moments, and there will be dirty dishes in my sink (much to my grandpa's chagrin, I'm sure), and the laundry will never be caught up, and there will always be somebody's fingerprints on something, but I LOVE my kids, and I play with them, and I cuddle with them, and I laugh with them, and I just enjoy their presence in my life so much (even at 3:00am, don't let me fool you!), that none of that other crap really matters. We'll make it.
AND THESE DAMN THOUGHTS ARE STILL STUCK IN MY HEAD. After all that. *sigh*
Time for another glass of kool-aid...