Saturday, September 27, 2008


I'm exhausted, but extremely happy. I'm renewed, even. I came to a realization today, and so far I am sticking to this positivity. However, I am exhausted, so hopefully I can come back tomorrow and still feel this way, so I can share it with you!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

I want to post, but I got nothin'.

I've had pretty much a "blah" day. I realize that those days are going to continue to happen, I just hope that I can get them to start coming a little less frequently. I was upset by some emails, which was silly and completely not what I interpreted it as. Once I relaxed a little, I had more family issues to deal with. That's what keeps upsetting me the most at the moment. I hate feeling so powerless when it comes to the situation I'm in. I have very little choices. I don't like feeling trapped, and I especially don't like feeling as if I am dirt. That's just on one side of the family. If we shift to the other, I have a whole new list of things to dwell on. Always healthy.

I've got a topic to write about that I'm not sure I've spoke about to anybody. Perhaps I can get to that tomorrow. I want to be able to put my entire focus into it, and can't really do that effectively at almost 1:00am.

I guess I don't have a lot to say at the moment. Just proud of myself that I made it through another "blah" day, and this time with some clarity and realization that everything is, and will be, just fine. I can rest a little easier tonight. I hope!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Mission to Change - Topic 1

I'm really making the effort to change myself completely for the better, and this time I'm going to follow through with it completely. I know for a fact that I will stumble along the way, but I will be a better person for it, a better woman for it, a better mother for it.

Today is about my relationship with my children.

I feel like I'm, generally speaking, a good mother. I certainly have my moments when I really just want to escape from it all, but that's pretty normal. I feel, though, that I sometimes become absent in my days with them. I'm here, but I'm not HERE. My mind is somewhere else completely, and I don't have the energy for anything. A simple request for something to drink is sometimes met with an angry reply that is completely undeserved. This isn't constant, but it's much more often than I would like. They are growing up entirely too fast and I can't take it. All of these beautiful baby moments are slipping by and I'm missing them.

So my goal for myself is to take a few minutes (or longer, if time permits, and hopefully it will!) to really sit down and have a moment with each of them, everyday. Yesterday, while my son was napping, my daughter asked me to play with her. I immediately turned the television off and made that effort to play with her, and we had a great time. She likes to set up all of her house toys just like me. :) It was that simple, and it made her day. And mine, too. Next up, while my daughter was finishing up her lunch and getting ready to take her nap, my son woke up and when I went to get him out of bed, he immediately smiled and lifted his one arm to me (he leans on the other one). It melts my heart, and I relished in his small embrace, his hand on my cheek as I kiss him and tell him how happy I am to see him. We played together on the floor, him giggling the entire time, his sister laughing and clapping everytime he attempted to sit up. It was a wonderful moment, and one that I want repeated as often as possible.

It's that simple. I regularly have good moments with my kids everyday, but really telling myself to push past that fog in my head really made me become a happier, more approachable mom. I really feel that both kids responded to it, too. I was amazed at what it did for me. I really felt HAPPY, which isn't something I feel all the time.

Today, while my daughter was sleeping, I sat down again with my son and played with him. He giggled and laughed and his beautiful blue eyes were shining. He really has the most gorgeous blue eyes! Watching him crawl and explore, and letting me come along for the ride, is something I'm going to hold on to as long as I can. My daughter is out at the store now with her daddy, so when she gets home, her and I are going to do something fun together.

Even if it's not one-on-one time, I'm going to make a point of letting myself really experience my children every single day. I feel like I'm giving myself a really great gift. I feel so rewarded and just so lucky. This is something I can do, and will do, every single day. We will all benefit from it.

*We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand...and melting like a snowflake. Let us use it before it is too late. ~ Marie Beynon*

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Let's get goin'.

I am finding it a bit hard to start writing in this, but I tend to get writer's block when I start a new journal. Same thing goes with the journals I started for my kids. I always have the best of intentions, and I really WANT to write, I can just never get it started. That can stem all the way back to school. Anytime I had to write a report, I could never get it started, ever. That first paragraph always drove me crazy. My mom was the one who would always step in and calm me down and give me a few ideas. Where the heck is she when I need her now?

Far away, that's where. This whole living across the country thing isn't much fun. I go through moments when I'm fine with everything, then I go through moments where it feels like the world has ended. I'm really physically exhausted just from my emotions. I think I could deal with things if the family that I now live closer to acted in anyway like my family back home. Sure, my family certainly has moments where we don't get along, or specific people who tend to stir up excitement, but here, it's constant drama. CONSTANT. I try so hard to be accepted and be friendly, but it gets me nowhere but crying into my pillow. So, what's a girl to do?

What I usually do, I suppose. Keep trying. There is that small part of me that still wants everybody to like me (thought I would have lost that silly notion back in high school - not so much!), but it's mostly because I really just want peace and tranquility and a family that gets along, mostly for my children's sake. I want them to enjoy the family gatherings like I did when I was younger (funny how THAT has changed, too...). On top of that, I'm entirely too nice and forgiving. Though I've come across as the "bitch" to my new family, I'm still confused how that happened, it's okay, because I'm still going to keep trying. I don't give up on people. That can be good or bad, depending on the situation.

I have a homeless man's belongings in my shed even though he is somewhere 1400 miles away from me. Why? Because I don't give up on people. Ever. I haven't given up on my family yet, and I'm certainly not giving up on my extended family, either. I need to learn to compartmentalize better, to deal with these emotions as they come and not to let them devour my entire being.

I am fiercely unhappy these days, and it's hard sorting it out and deciding where to begin to make a change. I miss myself - my happy, bubbly self. I'm confident I can find her again. She's under there somewhere, under the pain, the anger, the pounds - she's there.

I've got too much good in my life to lose myself again. I've got too much at stake this time. This is the beginning of change.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Trying again!

I've attempted to write in this blog a number of times, and I think this time I'm going to stick with it! I've had many online journals over the past 10 years. I'm sure my friends from high school can remember how much we used to update our LJ's and over at diary-x. I still have my original LJ, not that I post in it anymore, and seriously - I was nuts back then! :)

My original thought for this blog was to really use it for WRITING, not just my day to day activities. More of my thoughts and feelings on a various array of subjects. I still might go that way, I guess we'll see how it goes!

I've been using my myspace blog lately, too. I'm not sure if I like it. We'll see how long I can keep it public, too. Remember when we used to go back and forth every few months making all of our entries private or friends-only? *sigh* Times have certainly changed...

We'll see where this takes me.