Hello, it is wayyy past my bedtime!

The burst of spring that embraced our community the last few days was just the spark I needed to get motivated.

I cleaned most of my house.

Laundry, clean! SCORE!

Dishes, too!

Homework is caught up.

Babies have been played with, fed, bathed, and are now content and fast asleep.

I sat down and started working on the business plan that I have been putting off for...two years?

Maybe it's been three.

Ideas, ideas, ideas, I'm exploding! Always, constantly, consistently. But that's all I do.

I just sit around and explode.

Tonight I exploded onto a piece of paper. That's a step in the right direction!

It's supposed to snow again this weekend, and I'm ready for that.

I made it through my "dark months," which are probably the "dark months" or weeks or whatever for most of the country that gets trapped inside due to below freezing temps and piles of snow. I made it through.

Baby Boy's birthday in just a few short weeks. Then softball season, and that means spring will officially be here.

I. Am. Ready.

I can.

Today I take a big step into a new venture.

I've created the groundwork for my virtual assistance company.

I've purchased a domain for the non-profit I plan to create to help those less fortunate.

I've recognized the need for further prayer on what will happen with our growing family, or perhaps non-growing family.

I have had a hard time focusing this last week, but today I feel better and more on top of things.

I have more work to do. I am an ever-changing work-in-progress. But I continue, each day, to keep moving forward.

Recognizing the need for more prayer in my life.

Recognizing the need for more effort in the little things that are the most important to my family.

Recognizing the love I have from my husband, children, family, and friends.

Recognizing that I can do this.

I Dream...

Love got me thinking. (check out her blog - one of my most favorite reads!)

What do I dream of?

Happily ever after. Which is, really, much of my reality. Hard to believe sometimes. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Warm sheets and blankets fresh from the washer. Cuddled in bed together, kids and all. Our little family.

New shoes. Softball season. A college diploma.

A good book. A large fountain pop. Ben and Jerry's Snickerdoodle ice cream.

Getting closer to God. Letting Him mold these ideas that keep popping into my head and helping me find the path I'm meant to travel on.

Giving up my problems to Him.

Babies. And more babies. And more babies!

Shopping trips and singing in the car and lunch dates and playing dolls with my best girl.

Becoming a foster family. Adopting a baby who needs our family.

Creating a non-profit that really inspires change.

Cuddling and dancing and playing cars and coloring with my baby boy.

Letting myself feel the happy.

Forgiving. And being forgiven.

A house with room enough for us all to move about freely, but not too big that we forget to spend time together.

A date night alone with the man of my dreams, even if we never leave our comfy little house.

A fireplace. A window seat. A garden that is able to take care of itself because I often forget.

Notebooks. Pens. Stationary. Writing freely.

Post-it notes!

I dream of feeling even more loved and even more complete than I do at this very moment.

This isn't just a list of dreams...it's a list of what I'm grateful for. That sweet little girl, that precious baby boy. The husband who loves and supports my every dream and wish. The friends. The family. I'm so grateful.

I still dream for more. I'm working on putting in place the seeds to make these dreams happen.

It'll happen. I know He has something big in store for us. And if this is already it? That's pretty great, too. :)

My heart, full and happy and longing...

What a wonderful week!

My husband has been home on vacation and we've had a marvelous time. I'll be honest, I wasn't entirely sure it would be so marvelous! Often when he's been home for an extended period of time, we have some not-so-pleasant moments between us. I need to stop expecting that, because the not-so-pleasant moments have become fewer and further between lately, and I'm enjoying it!

We went up north and visited family for a few days. My father-in-law and one of me nephews were in from out of town and we had such a great time catching up with them. Lots of swimming, fishing, and barbecuing! Lots of laughter and fun family moments, that's for sure.

And then just being home together. *sigh* I've loved it.

My daughter woke up tonight presumably from a night terror. We've had some issues with these when she was younger, and every once in awhile they come out again. She had one tonight, and her daddy was the first to jump up and help her come to. She then fell asleep in his arms and he carried her back to bed. I didn't have to ask, it just happened. She needed her daddy and he was there, no questions asked. I honestly got a little teary-eyed watching them - more teary-eyed then the sappy movie the hubs and I had been watching when the princess came out of her room!

Yeah, instead of playing a game, he sat down next to me and watched a movie that I'm pretty sure wasn't anywhere near his top 10 movies I must see before I die. He put his arm around me and we laughed and had a great evening.

This feels good.

I'm still aching in my heart for the expansion of our family. We've talked a lot. There are several different ways we are considering. I've planted the seed of possibility in his mind and that's gotten the ball rolling. We're not making any decisions anytime soon, but we're discussing. I'm all for discussing.

Now I'm off to do the dishes. I'm on a freakin roll with those damn things this week, and I'm not interested in losing the battle just yet! Down with the dirty dishes!!!

My Secrets.

Outward goes my energy, so very little sometimes to give away.

The parts of me, deep inside, so precious, so they stay.

I wonder often if I whisper my dreams to the stars, might they come true?

Or if by saying them out loud the possibility will dissolve, too.

I ache and yearn for more than this.

The excitement, the love, fulfillment, the bliss.

It's not about what works for me, this is so much deeper than I can explain.

It's about our family, our sanity, our whole lives, our souls, so much to gain.

So instead of whispers and secrets, I'll just pray.

He knows what is best for us, and He'll have the final say.

I'll put my life in His hands, something I should do more often, and wait.

For a sign, for a star, for some idea of what His plan is and what is our fate.

Patience isn't my best virtue. I'm about planning and lists and goals.

I need to know. Not just in my head and in my heart, but in my soul.

What's going to happen? Yes? No? Silliest idea ever? Best plan yet?

What will You say, dear Lord? Is it a go? Are our lives already set?

Let it go, and let be.

Just wait and see.

I'll pray, and rest.

You always know best.

What is it?

I don't mean to always be so deep.

I just can't figure out what is missing.

What am I aching for?

What are You trying to tell me???

I'm content and happy...but longing for something.

It would be wonderful if this was easier.

But it's all part of the journey.

Cryptic ramblings!

I wonder what the future holds for our family.

I'm going back to school in the fall.

If all goes well, the husband will be, too.

It may be crazy and hectic for awhile, but it's so worth it.

He'll be happier.

I'll be happier.

Our family will be happier, in the long run.

I can't wait to change the world.

Make a difference, somehow.

I want so much more.

I have so much to give.

I want to achieve so many things.

My heart aches for so many things.

I feel incomplete.

There's room for so much more in our lives, I'm sure of it.

We'll make it wherever He plans for us to go.

I'm completely giving way to faith.

I know He has a plan for us.

For me.

My heart tells me so.

I will help.

I can help.

I can give and love and share.

I want to open my door and my heart to so much more.

To so many more.

It's a hard place to be, sometimes.

Wanting to speed things up so I can feel and see and touch everything I want.

Everything I see in our future.

But I don't want to miss all the wonderful things about now.

Right now.

With my loves and their gracious and wonderful spirits.

I want more.

But I want to stay right here and enjoy it just a little while longer.

I know that whatever He has planned for me in the next few weeks will take place.

If it's not part of His plan, so be it.

If it is, so be it.

It would be nice if the answers were clearer.

Not waiting to find out, just knowing.

My heart can't take it sometimes.

I hope that we'll all stay on the same path as the hours and days and weeks and months and years go on.

I want so much more for us.

We can give so much more!

My heart has room.

Lots of room.

This life is amazing.

Hello, weekend.

It's 3:00am.

I should sleep.

I should clean the bathroom.

My baby has been potty-training this week, and, well, he's a boy.

It's not like he stands up to pee, but he sure does miss the toilet.

I've taught him how to wipe himself after peeing.

I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do or not.

I've never been a boy.

The husband may have to work on that at a later time.

I'm so proud of the boy!

I didn't think he was ready.

Just three days a go he came up to me and said, "Mama, potty!"

Who was I to disagree? So off we went.

And he did it!

He's been on a roll ever since. We're off to buy big boy underwear tomorrow.

My baby!! :)

I think it's time for another one.

Or twelve.

Or not.

We'll see how it goes, I suppose.

Hopefully the husband doesn't read that.

I was up late working on my softball statistics.

Then decided I was too tired and I'd finish in the morning.

So I got up and washed dishes.

My work is never done.

Hmmm, if he's old enough to pee in the toilet, he's old enough to wash the dishes, right?

One of his favorite things is to grab a chair and pull it up to the sink and play in the water.

I take that as a future request for that job.

No problem, buddy. Mama's got you covered.

There's a beautiful blonde curly-haired girl in my bed.

She loves me.

She needs me.

Still.

I'm hanging on to that.

But I'm almost whatever age I'm almost and I still need my mommy.

So there's hope.

She tells me often that she never wants to move out, even when she's 100.

I told her that's fine.

She can stay right here forever.

My smiley boy better have the same plan.

I don't want to let go.

82 days until I'm a college student.

Again.

I'm so excited!!

I wish I could go buy books now.

Patience isn't one of my strong suits.

Hmm, what else?

I'm madly in love with my husband.

That's probably a good thing, considering we're married and all.

But I do like him.

A lot, even.

Even on days when I don't like him.

Go figure.

I'm rambling because I'm sleep deprived.

HA!

Funny.

Not.

I should go to sleep.

Well, fine.

Good point.

What?

OKAY!

I'm going.

See you later, weekend.

Hi there, Monday!

I always have plans for these great blog posts.

I'll be driving somewhere and start writing the post in my head.

I get home, yeah, it's all gone.

What comes out is more of me rambling.

Sorry.

If you are surprised or horrified, you really should have read the title of the blog.

It ain't no lie!

My girl is heading into her last month of pre-school.

I'm excited for her to move on to the great unknown of kindergarten at her new school with new teachers and new friends and new experiences!

I'm also completely terrified.

I'm sending her to a bigger elementary school.

What if she gets lost?

What if she wanders off that playground? I drive by on my way home and always see kids playing near the openings and where the heck are the adults?

Is she going to miss me if she's gone all day every single day?

I'm not sure about this.

Yet I know she is so ready. I know that she will be safe. I'm in love with the school, the principal, and what they stand for.

I'm just not sure about my baby growing up.

My little boy is sick today.

He caught the bug his sister had been carrying around for a few days, I think.

She's so much better, thankfully.

The little man, not so much. He slept soundly, so hopefully today will be a better day (ya know, a little less vomiting in my hands, perhaps?).

I love how I can cuddle with both my kids at the same time.

What would I do with another one?

Oh, but my heart aches for more.

There's so much in my heart and my head for my life and for my family.

The husband and I are going to school, and we're going to achieve our dreams.

Our little house is coming together more and more each day.

Our babies are happy and loved.

We support each other.

I'm letting God deeper into my life.

I'm searching my heart for what is right.

Now my girl will be late for school because we have to leave in 20 minutes and I'm sitting here blogging away while she's snoring it up in the bedroom!

Mom, for the win.

Alright, it's getting a little clearer!

It's been a rough couple weeks.

The husband was in a car accident two weeks a go. Thankfully, he is okay. The car, on the other hand...not so much.

The positive... thanks to my brief stint at our car insurance company back in TX, I knew how affordable adding roadside assistance to our policy is, and I decided this time around to add it for both vehicles. I did that just a few months a go. So, with the accident, the husband was able to call the roadside assistance company and the car was towed back to our house, free of charge.

Thank God! When he told me he had the car towed, my heart sank, wondering how in the world we could afford that. Then I remembered. I'm so grateful!

The negative... we are down to one car. The more expensive car to keep full of gas, of course.

Two days a go I get a call from the husband on his way home from work telling me the only working vehicle had a flat tire and he wasn't able to open up whatever it was that held the spare in place.

The positive... roadside assistance to the rescue, again! We have unlimited usage, which is wonderful. They came and helped him get it out, and he was safely on his way home.

The negative... the only working vehicle now has a spare on it and we can't drive it very far. I'm not sure when we'll be able to get a new tire.

But you know what? Beyond these very rough couple weeks, I've had some clarity. I know that we'll be okay.

The other day something happened to the husband at work, something that shook him a bit. The next day he didn't have to visit this particular place, which has never happened before - it's a place he almost ALWAYS goes to.

I was amazed - I told him, "God was looking out for you!"

His response, "That was my exact thought, word for word."

Okay. I got it. We're on the same page.

God is looking out for us.

I know my blog has taken a turn lately, and I've been talking about my faith a lot more. It's a part of my life that I've seldom explored. I certainly have always believed in God, gone to church regularly (for the most part), prayed daily. I've never doubted. I've just never explored any type of relationship with God, or thought about my life in connection with my faith. It's always just kind of been there, on the surface. It's hard to explain, but I've been feeling like I have needed something to happen in my life. Something to help me ease myself from the pain and the stress. Some kind of reassurance. Some kind of purpose. Some kind of meaning.

It's a lot. It's heavy. It's not easy. But it is easy at the same time.

I've been down, worrying, stressing, trying to figure out what to do.

For right now? I'm still going to work hard at putting my family back together. I'm still going to work hard at balancing our budget. I'm still going to work hard to find other means of income. I'm still going to work hard to keep up the house. I'm still going to work hard to make sure my kids are happy, despite the vibe that's been in our house lately.

But I'm also going to give it up to God. I know He is there.

I feel lighter already.

Faith.

Where to begin?

I feel nervous posting this. My heart is beating rapidly. Is it because faith is such a personal thing? Or isn't it, shouldn't it be shared?

This is my struggle. I struggle with what my faith calls me to do. If it even calls. Does it call? I DON'T KNOW!

See the struggle?

I've gone to church almost every Sunday (and sometimes Friday, during the school year when I was enrolled in Catholic school) for my entire life. I trailed off a bit when I moved out on my own and didn't have my mother guilting me face-to-face to come. I hadn't gone to church in several months a few years back, and I had gone to visit my grandma and she told me she wished I'd go to church, and that she prayed for me.

Wow. Somebody prayed for me? I pray everyday. Sometimes it's out of habit, I'm fairly OCD at times and I have to do things a certain way often. I pray whenever I see an ambulance, fire truck, or even a police car with their lights on. I pray when I know somebody is sick or in the hospital. I pray whenever somebody asks me to pray. My usual prayer is specific only in that I pray for forgiveness and I pray that my family and friends are watched over and taken care of and protected.

But pray to just talk to God? Um, not so much.

It's not that I don't want to. I just don't get it. I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I've come across some blogs that really make me think and dig deeper. I've read that God calls people to do things or give things or say things. How does that happen? Have I ever heard God? I don't think I have. Am I just not listening? I don't even know how to listen.

Am I just not capable of it? It's not a question of belief, I don't think. I'm very confident in my belief that God exists and God provides for me and it's God who has given me life and love. I've never questioned that. So why don't I get to hear it?

I read Linny's blog today, and it made me think. Honestly, I had to look up the word "tithe". I had no idea. I give when I can. I'll give every last dollar or cent in my purse, pocket, floor of the car to a person in need that I see on the street. I often go certain routes just to make sure that I see somebody who I can help, just knowing there's always somebody standing on a particular corner. I donate my clothes and belongings when I can, either to goodwill or to a family in need. We gave presents this past Christmas to a family who had none for their children, who posted on freecycle with their needs, and my 4 year old daughter helped me pack away some toys for another little girl her age. I give to church sometimes. We live paycheck to paycheck (and sometimes we're not even that lucky), and it amazes me that people in our financial situation can give regularly. How do they do it? I need to figure that out.

I could give more. I'm sure we could. Just...how.

I want to give of my time more.

I want to figure out how faith works in my life. I can give specific instances where I know somebody was there protecting us. A light bulb burst in a standing lamp that was directly over my daughter's head when she was a baby, and the glass fell nowhere near her. It wasn't possible, the glass should have hit her. But it didn't. Somebody was there, protecting her. I know it. But I need to know how my faith works in my regular day-to-day life, not just in specific instances. I know that one day, when we are financially better off and we have a house of our own, we want to become foster parents. I'm sure that to make that decision we had to have been called to it, but I don't remember a call, I don't remember anything like that. I just wanted to do it. When I go to school in the fall, I'm working towards a degree that will teach me and guide me to help people in need. Was that another call? It's taken me years to figure out what I want to do with my life - did I figure it out, or did I just finally listen? How do you know?

Reading Linny's post today made me want to write something. I know this isn't short and to the point, but I don't know that I have a point! I wouldn't know what to ask for, and I don't even feel worth of asking. I just know how I had to say something.

Today, right this minute, we are okay. Thanks to our tax return, our bills are paid, we have a new vehicle that fits our family safely, I have no wants. In a few months, we'll fall behind again, and we'll make ends meet like we always do, someway. We'll be going back to school in the fall (if all goes well, we both will!), it'll be challenging, but it'll help us in the future. We have no wants in relation to college, because as of now we both have enough grants and scholarships to cover the cost. The only thing I wish that could happen would be to send my daughter to the Catholic school she attends for pre-school, but the cost for next year is just outrageous. Even with the payment plan offered, we'd never be able to afford it. So I pray that the local public school will fit her needs and that I'll be put at ease, because I feel horribly guilty. Even if we had the money now, her grade for next year is full and there is a waiting list already.

So I don't know what I'd even ask for. I just am grateful for this post today, because it has made me think, and maybe by reading the responses and the requests I'll be able to figure out how so many people can understand and hear God.

I think I'd like to, too.

jennymfv@hotmail.com

Finding the words.

I've had some realizations this evening.

Too important, too sensitive, just too much to lay it all out there.

I've tried writing it several times and each time the words don't really describe the importance of these realizations.

I know what I want to accomplish in my life, I know that I want to solve problems and help people, I know that I will no longer let the opinions of others diminish my dreams.

That's powerful.

I am genuinely working on my self-confidence with my dreams.

Finally knowing it, really feeling it, I want to share it with everyone!

But I'm so scared that something so important to me, something I am so passionate about, will be judged and frowned upon.

Because it's so important to me and I am so passionate about it, I should be embracing my decisions and screaming them from the rooftops!

I'm getting there.

I used to be self-confident and outgoing and aware and accepting of myself.

Somewhere along the line that changed.

I'm regaining that self-confidence again.

Slowly but surely.

It's coming around.

I can do this.

Mama rambles at all hours of the night!

Some days I want to rip my hair out and lock myself in the bathroom and cry.

To be honest, some days I DO lock myself in the bathroom and cry.

But some days, I realize how absolutely lucky and blessed I am.

I'm not a perfect mother.

I've always struggled with that goal - wanting and trying to be "perfect".

I want my kids to be happy. I want them to know they are always constantly loved and adored for who they are.

I don't want to push my insecurities on them.

I want them to be healthy. I want to make them well-balanced meals. I want them to get enough exercise. I want to do the right thing when it comes to all the environmental things I am told I should be concerned about.

I want them to be safe. I want to protect them from cruel people who want to cause them harm. I want to protect them from bullies. I want to protect them from broken hearts and mean words spoken by friends.

I want them to have happy memories of their childhood. I want their earliest memories to be of mommy and daddy, happy, loving, all of us playing and smiling.

I don't want their earliest memories to be of mom screaming from the kitchen because the Baby Boy colored on the TV with some secret crayon he found and the Princess has asked for the 315th time why she can't have a cookie when dinner is 5 minutes away. Yeah. That was a pretty sight.

I want them to know how my heart sings when they cuddle with me. I want them to know how their smiles light up my life. I want them to know that no matter what, no matter what any family member or friend may ever say, no matter what they have heard, that mommy and daddy have loved each of them endlessly and constantly, and they were each wanted 100%.

Those conversations scare me. One day we're going to have to talk about that. I don't want them to think, even for a second, that they were anything less than loved and adored and wanted.

My life may not have played out exactly how I anticipated it would.

It's a million times better.

I want to do better by them. I need to do better by them. They deserve that.

I know I can be the mom I want to be.

I know they love me, and I know that we have way more good days than we do bad days.

I know it's normal when they are toddlers and preschoolers to have these moments.

I know these moments occurred in my childhood, and I think my mom is awesome.

So they will think I'm awesome, too, some day, right?

This parenting thing is HARD.

I'll quote from one of my favorite movies:

The hard is what makes it great.

Hmmmm...privacy?

I don't know how many people actually read this blog.

Anybody? Anybody at all?

I have great aspirations of sitting down and writing profound thoughts every day, and large quantities of people reading and commenting.

Well, okay, maybe not large quantities.

Just one or two.

And, well, FINE, maybe not writing anything profound, either.

But still.

I wonder how much is too much?

I've yet to use my kids real names. They have beautiful names, they really do!

I've yet to post pictures of them. They have beautiful faces, they really do!

How am I to know that I'm not giving away too much information? How am I to know that the serial killer of all serial killers happens to read MY blog, sees my kids faces, figures out where I'm from, and shows up at my house?

I've been reading blog after blog lately. The majority of them include both their kids real names and pictures. Some have just their names, others just pictures with code names. I'm seriously frightened about revealing too much.

So then what is the fun of having a blog? If I can't delve into my real life? Ugh. What to do?

Perhaps I'm over thinking it. I have a tendency to do that.

I've already apologized to my kids for their teenage years, when they are stuck with the extremely overprotective mother. I realize it's several years out, but the poor kids are going to have it bad.