Tonight.

There's a big girl in my house, sound asleep, curled up with her favorite stuffed animal, blankets tucked in tightly around her body in what she calls her bedtime "cocoon."

There's a little boy in my house, sound asleep, curled up with his favorite stuffed animal, blankets thrown on the floor because he likes his legs "chilly" when he sleeps.

There's a baby girl growing in my belly, who is kicking and moving more and more each day, who will complete our family in more ways than we can possibly imagine in just a few short months.

And me? I'm here. Relishing in the silence. Wanting to scoop each of them into my arms and whisper how wonderful and amazing they are. How very blessed I am to be their mama.

I sit here just thinking. The good and the bad. The amazing miracles in our lives. The struggles, daily, to make it all work.

Even though there are dishes that need to be done, boxes that still need to be unpacked, and a myriad of other tasks that need to be done, I still feel at ease.

What a welcome change!

I Dream...

Love got me thinking. (check out her blog - one of my most favorite reads!)

What do I dream of?

Happily ever after. Which is, really, much of my reality. Hard to believe sometimes. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Warm sheets and blankets fresh from the washer. Cuddled in bed together, kids and all. Our little family.

New shoes. Softball season. A college diploma.

A good book. A large fountain pop. Ben and Jerry's Snickerdoodle ice cream.

Getting closer to God. Letting Him mold these ideas that keep popping into my head and helping me find the path I'm meant to travel on.

Giving up my problems to Him.

Babies. And more babies. And more babies!

Shopping trips and singing in the car and lunch dates and playing dolls with my best girl.

Becoming a foster family. Adopting a baby who needs our family.

Creating a non-profit that really inspires change.

Cuddling and dancing and playing cars and coloring with my baby boy.

Letting myself feel the happy.

Forgiving. And being forgiven.

A house with room enough for us all to move about freely, but not too big that we forget to spend time together.

A date night alone with the man of my dreams, even if we never leave our comfy little house.

A fireplace. A window seat. A garden that is able to take care of itself because I often forget.

Notebooks. Pens. Stationary. Writing freely.

Post-it notes!

I dream of feeling even more loved and even more complete than I do at this very moment.

This isn't just a list of dreams...it's a list of what I'm grateful for. That sweet little girl, that precious baby boy. The husband who loves and supports my every dream and wish. The friends. The family. I'm so grateful.

I still dream for more. I'm working on putting in place the seeds to make these dreams happen.

It'll happen. I know He has something big in store for us. And if this is already it? That's pretty great, too. :)

Welcome, September!

September is here. And by the feel of the air outside and that wonderful breeze blowing through my windows, so is fall! The high tomorrow is in the 60s. Love it.

Goals are my thing. It falls into my obsession with list making. I'm attempting to set some goals for September.

Maybe not even goals, plans of action. Or something like that.

I returned to school this past week. It was such a great feeling.

One of my goals this time around is to actually GO to class. Regularly, even! Crazy, I know, but hey, apparently that's helpful! I'll give it a try, at least.

Going off of that, I really want to do well. I'm already a little overwhelmed with the amount of reading I have to do, but I REALLY want this. So I'll do it.

My girl goes back to school next week. It's a big year. I want to work hard to make sure she has all the tools she needs to do well. I don't want her feeling rushed, which happened a lot last year. This year her school is closer and starts at a later time, two things that will hopefully work to my advantage. I want her to succeed, and to love school like I did.

More than that, I want her to be happy. School makes her happy so far. I want that to continue.

Juggling everything is going to be the toughest part. My coaching job, school, the husband's job, the daughter's school, the boy being at home. It will be rough. I want to make sure that we each get to spend quality time with everybody. That includes me with each of the kids, the husband with each of the kids, and the husband and I.

It's so easy to lose sight of that connection when there is so much going on.

We've been doing so well. We're pretty happy. Enjoying each other's company. Making us a priority is important.

So, September, with it's new beginnings, it's crisp air and changing colors, it's apple orchards and bonfires, it's precious family time on the weekends - bring it on. I'm so ready for you!

Hello, weekend.

It's 3:00am.

I should sleep.

I should clean the bathroom.

My baby has been potty-training this week, and, well, he's a boy.

It's not like he stands up to pee, but he sure does miss the toilet.

I've taught him how to wipe himself after peeing.

I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do or not.

I've never been a boy.

The husband may have to work on that at a later time.

I'm so proud of the boy!

I didn't think he was ready.

Just three days a go he came up to me and said, "Mama, potty!"

Who was I to disagree? So off we went.

And he did it!

He's been on a roll ever since. We're off to buy big boy underwear tomorrow.

My baby!! :)

I think it's time for another one.

Or twelve.

Or not.

We'll see how it goes, I suppose.

Hopefully the husband doesn't read that.

I was up late working on my softball statistics.

Then decided I was too tired and I'd finish in the morning.

So I got up and washed dishes.

My work is never done.

Hmmm, if he's old enough to pee in the toilet, he's old enough to wash the dishes, right?

One of his favorite things is to grab a chair and pull it up to the sink and play in the water.

I take that as a future request for that job.

No problem, buddy. Mama's got you covered.

There's a beautiful blonde curly-haired girl in my bed.

She loves me.

She needs me.

Still.

I'm hanging on to that.

But I'm almost whatever age I'm almost and I still need my mommy.

So there's hope.

She tells me often that she never wants to move out, even when she's 100.

I told her that's fine.

She can stay right here forever.

My smiley boy better have the same plan.

I don't want to let go.

82 days until I'm a college student.

Again.

I'm so excited!!

I wish I could go buy books now.

Patience isn't one of my strong suits.

Hmm, what else?

I'm madly in love with my husband.

That's probably a good thing, considering we're married and all.

But I do like him.

A lot, even.

Even on days when I don't like him.

Go figure.

I'm rambling because I'm sleep deprived.

HA!

Funny.

Not.

I should go to sleep.

Well, fine.

Good point.

What?

OKAY!

I'm going.

See you later, weekend.

Hi there, Monday!

I always have plans for these great blog posts.

I'll be driving somewhere and start writing the post in my head.

I get home, yeah, it's all gone.

What comes out is more of me rambling.

Sorry.

If you are surprised or horrified, you really should have read the title of the blog.

It ain't no lie!

My girl is heading into her last month of pre-school.

I'm excited for her to move on to the great unknown of kindergarten at her new school with new teachers and new friends and new experiences!

I'm also completely terrified.

I'm sending her to a bigger elementary school.

What if she gets lost?

What if she wanders off that playground? I drive by on my way home and always see kids playing near the openings and where the heck are the adults?

Is she going to miss me if she's gone all day every single day?

I'm not sure about this.

Yet I know she is so ready. I know that she will be safe. I'm in love with the school, the principal, and what they stand for.

I'm just not sure about my baby growing up.

My little boy is sick today.

He caught the bug his sister had been carrying around for a few days, I think.

She's so much better, thankfully.

The little man, not so much. He slept soundly, so hopefully today will be a better day (ya know, a little less vomiting in my hands, perhaps?).

I love how I can cuddle with both my kids at the same time.

What would I do with another one?

Oh, but my heart aches for more.

There's so much in my heart and my head for my life and for my family.

The husband and I are going to school, and we're going to achieve our dreams.

Our little house is coming together more and more each day.

Our babies are happy and loved.

We support each other.

I'm letting God deeper into my life.

I'm searching my heart for what is right.

Now my girl will be late for school because we have to leave in 20 minutes and I'm sitting here blogging away while she's snoring it up in the bedroom!

Mom, for the win.

You Capture - Feet

Feet = gross.

Until I had kids anyway. I find every inch of them absolutely amazing, even those stinky, dirty little feet!

The fact that those feet take them on adventures, lead them wherever they choose to go - plus, the baby has the cutest chunky little feet. :)

My girl loves posing for pictures...even if it's just her feet. I'm appeasing her, and she's giggling in delight!

Cuddled on the couch together in the morning. The girl is playing with her beloved "Catty" and the boy is wearing his daddy's hat - yeah, over his face. Still in pajamas, socks dirty from the adventures the night before.

After a particularly rough day for everyone (we were a house full of cranks!), we wound down by watching a little Backyardigans. The baby wasn't interested!

I love their little feet together.

Because the boy crashed out, I moved him to his bed and my girl and I curled up on the couch for some story time, just us. I love that she's so comfortable, she leaned her head on my shoulder, and propped her feet up on mine.

(completely unrelated, but we JUST painted the living room this weekend - isn't the blue lovely? I'm in total love, I so enjoy sitting in my living room now! The amazing things paint can do, not just for our walls, but for our spirit! But this picture reminded me we still have some loose ends to clean up - where is that outlet protector and nobody reattached that cord, hmmm? More projects for today!)

*sigh*

I'm determined to make today less of a rough day. We're a bit stressed. Things are a bit tight. But I vowed to my kids that today was going to be a happy day. Even though we had to skip out on the playdate we were looking forward to, we will still have a fun day together.

It gives me encouragement that even on one of our "cranky days" we still had little moments like in these pictures.

That gives me hope.

You Capture - A Moment

I've never participated in one of these before, but there are several that I follow regularly with interest! Especially You Capture. I want to take pictures, I want to catch these special moments and have them forever!

This week's challenge was "A Moment". I debated how to go about this. What kind of moment? Something sweet? Happy? Messy? Frustrating? Messy AND frustrating? (which is more likely these days...)

Then I watched my children playing together and I just started taking pictures of them. These beautiful moment came out.

They are happy little people. They genuinely love each other, and are so loved by so many people. These giggly, tickly, "roar-y" moments (yeah, the boy child is roaring!) are so awesome.

Check it out: You Capture - A Moment

The Words.

I've been tongue tied a lot lately. Not even just when it comes to my blog. The words are just not presenting themselves in a timely fashion!

I feel... off.

I'm not sad or upset or angry, and for the most part, I'm happy and feeling good.

Except... not.

It's just the oddest thing.

It's now almost 2:00am and for the first time all day I have energy to clean. I just organized my desk and have my plans set for tomorrow's work day. Great!

Except... I was supposed to clean the living room.

Ugh.

I told the husband that I'd pick up the living room, maybe go crazy and sweep a little, and he promised to do some dishes when he got home from work. PERFECT, as I despise dishes.

Except... not.

Where the heck is my head?? I have a lot to do, yes, but nothing new has developed and I'm not feeling overwhelmed. Financially we are still feeling good (thank you, IRS, for your timely deposit!). Nobody's arguing. The kids have enjoyed being out in the warmer weather (except for yesterday, but I'll just pretend yesterday's crappy rainy freeze-your-butt-off day didn't exist!).

So what the heck is going on??

I threw the kids in the car this afternoon because the thought of washing the pan I needed to make dinner (because of course THAT was the one still dirty!) was just too much, coupled with the actual act of MAKING the dinner. I just couldn't take it.

As we drove around, I called the husband and said, "Something is seriously wrong with me."

And then I drove through Taco Bell.

Mommy fail.

Yummy, but... fail.

Now I cringe as I look at the clock because it really is almost 2:00am, and I have to get up in the morning to get the girl off to school, and then I have to do some real estate work, and then I have to work on my softball practice plan, and then actually coach the practice, and then I have to come home and make dinner, and oh crap what if I don't get a chance to wash that stupid pan, what will I feed those kids?

Right.

See?

Something is... off.

Mental overload? Can that be possible without actually feeling overwhelmed?

That's gotta be it.

Right?

Or...

No.

That's gotta be it.

That or I've officially lost it.

I sat by and watched the boy child color on the refrigerator today.

I sat and WATCHED. Then took the crayon away. After he had colored for several moments, all the while peering at me, obviously thinking, "Come on, lady, I'm over here coloring, aren't you supposed to come after me? What the heck is wrong with you?"

Good call, bud, what the heck?

Now that it IS 2:00am, maybe I should just take my non-productive-but-I-think-maybe-I-am-productive-but-I'm-probably-not-productive behind to bed.

Maybe tomorrow will be more productive.

Or something.

Reminders.

My life is full of reminders of things I need to do, things I've missed, things I wish I could do better.

I get frustrated when my youngest pulls all of the kid books off the bookshelf - and I mean EVERY book. I'm reminded that I don't have this parenting thing down pat yet and I wonder if I'll ever figure it out?

I practically pull my hair out when I see new crayon marks on the wall, despite the fact that I WATCH very carefully when they color, and I know I took all the crayons away when they finish. How did I miss this? I'm reminded there may be much more that I miss, and I pray that I'm only missing the hidden crayons, and cry that I may miss something much more important one day.

I smile thinking about the birthdays we've celebrated, and the exciting birthdays to come, and gosh, why do they come and go so quickly? I'm reminded that the days of excitement over birthday hats and balloons and sprinkled cupcakes are not here forever.

I smile seeing both sets of keys hanging - knowing that my husband is home safe and sound from work. And, wow, I'm reminded of how we've combined our lives and hearts in such big ways (our babies) and small ways (having keys to each other's vehicle). This makes me feel so grown up and just so darn lucky.

The sunshine inspires me. I'm reminded that there are opportunities and second chances and possibilities and dreams that can be achieved.

Some reminders render me speechless. So I just pray.

I'm reminded that I'm mom to a boy and mom to a girl, and how very different those roles are, and how very similar they are at the same time.

Oh, my sweet darling girl! Her daily beauty regimen at the ripe age of four includes a headband and pigtails, as well as an outfit of her own choosing. Today included black leggings, a navy blue skirt, a pink t-shirt, and pink Sleeping Beauty socks. Her creativity and excitement and beauty and wonder, oh, it's inspiring to watch, and makes me smile! I'm reminded of what an awesome gift it is to be her mother, and how more than anything I want to give her everything that I have. I don't want to let her down.

Little fingers playing with little cars. He's so very BOY, and it fills my heart with love and joy! I'm reminded that these sweet days of cuddling and kisses and "MY mama!" are passing quickly, and my heart aches. I had no idea how much I would love being mom to a boy, and how terrifying it would be, and how absolutely wonderful it would be, all at the same time!

A pile of shoes, shoes that carry my little darlings into their lives, helping them carry on adventures and fun, thrown on a floor that should be cleaned probably more often than I care to admit. I'm reminded that I need to give them adventures and fun more often.

Pre-school homework assignments. She loves it, she enjoys it, she gets giddy talking about how wonderful it is! I'm reminded that this is the beginning of her growing up and becoming independent. It's wonderful, and I'm grateful to be her cheerleader.

These moments, these reminders, the mess that needs to be cleaned, the laundry that needs to be done, the pile of dirty dishes, the spilled milk, the smiles, the giggles, the adventures and the fun...

....this is what makes every moment worth it.

My Darling Boy

Two years a go, my baby was almost a leap year baby.

Two years a go, my baby was almost born on the side of the expressway in a blizzard.

Two years a go, he changed my life completely.

Two years later, my little boy is two.

WHAT?!?!?

I know, time flew by, right?

*sigh* My beautiful, sweet, kind, caring little baby.

He has the best giggle and the most adorable smile.

His dimples and toothy grin make me melt.

When he hears a sound from another room, he shouts, very gruffly, "That?"

When he has an idea, which is very often, he puts his finger up under his chin and says, "Hmmm."

He has on knock, knock joke and it makes me laugh every time.

When he's sleepy, he climbs up in my lap and folds his hands right under his chin.

He defiantly tells everyone, "MY MAMA", and clutches me around the neck.

He throws things.

Well, he throws everything.

He colors on my wall.

And floor.

He gets mad at me, yells, "NO!" wagging his finger in my face, running to his room and slamming the door, and then I hear him emptying bins of toys on the ground.

He knows that makes me crazy.

He climbs on everything.

And everyone.

He's constantly putting things in his mouth.

Especially anything that has gluten in it.

Which is bad, considering he is a gluten-free kid.

He drives me crazy sometimes, and I really wonder how we will make it through these crazy toddler years.

Then he curls up in my lap and kisses me on the cheek and smiles at me, and my heart melts, and I pray that these crazy toddler years go by very, very slowly.

Minus the throwing things. That one I can do without.

Happy 2nd birthday, my darling boy. I love you more than I can ever describe!

Oh Time, Please Slow Down!

The Baby Boy has a new habit of climbing on the back of the couch and lounging across the cushion.

I'm sitting on the couch watching The Princess play on the floor and I hear a very soft, very sweet, "Mama?" whispered in my ear.

I look over my shoulder and there he is, my baby, resting his cheek on his hand, flashing his best smile and showcasing those adorable dimples.

My heart skipped a beat.

My baby boy turns 2 in eleven days.

He has made my life so much more than I ever imagined it could be. I was so deeply in love with his sister, I was confused how the dynamic of adding a second child to our family would change things.

Oh my. It was one of the best things we ever did.

He's amazing.

Mama rambles at all hours of the night!

Some days I want to rip my hair out and lock myself in the bathroom and cry.

To be honest, some days I DO lock myself in the bathroom and cry.

But some days, I realize how absolutely lucky and blessed I am.

I'm not a perfect mother.

I've always struggled with that goal - wanting and trying to be "perfect".

I want my kids to be happy. I want them to know they are always constantly loved and adored for who they are.

I don't want to push my insecurities on them.

I want them to be healthy. I want to make them well-balanced meals. I want them to get enough exercise. I want to do the right thing when it comes to all the environmental things I am told I should be concerned about.

I want them to be safe. I want to protect them from cruel people who want to cause them harm. I want to protect them from bullies. I want to protect them from broken hearts and mean words spoken by friends.

I want them to have happy memories of their childhood. I want their earliest memories to be of mommy and daddy, happy, loving, all of us playing and smiling.

I don't want their earliest memories to be of mom screaming from the kitchen because the Baby Boy colored on the TV with some secret crayon he found and the Princess has asked for the 315th time why she can't have a cookie when dinner is 5 minutes away. Yeah. That was a pretty sight.

I want them to know how my heart sings when they cuddle with me. I want them to know how their smiles light up my life. I want them to know that no matter what, no matter what any family member or friend may ever say, no matter what they have heard, that mommy and daddy have loved each of them endlessly and constantly, and they were each wanted 100%.

Those conversations scare me. One day we're going to have to talk about that. I don't want them to think, even for a second, that they were anything less than loved and adored and wanted.

My life may not have played out exactly how I anticipated it would.

It's a million times better.

I want to do better by them. I need to do better by them. They deserve that.

I know I can be the mom I want to be.

I know they love me, and I know that we have way more good days than we do bad days.

I know it's normal when they are toddlers and preschoolers to have these moments.

I know these moments occurred in my childhood, and I think my mom is awesome.

So they will think I'm awesome, too, some day, right?

This parenting thing is HARD.

I'll quote from one of my favorite movies:

The hard is what makes it great.