To be honest, some days I DO lock myself in the bathroom and cry.
But some days, I realize how absolutely lucky and blessed I am.
I'm not a perfect mother.
I've always struggled with that goal - wanting and trying to be "perfect".
I want my kids to be happy. I want them to know they are always constantly loved and adored for who they are.
I don't want to push my insecurities on them.
I want them to be healthy. I want to make them well-balanced meals. I want them to get enough exercise. I want to do the right thing when it comes to all the environmental things I am told I should be concerned about.
I want them to be safe. I want to protect them from cruel people who want to cause them harm. I want to protect them from bullies. I want to protect them from broken hearts and mean words spoken by friends.
I want them to have happy memories of their childhood. I want their earliest memories to be of mommy and daddy, happy, loving, all of us playing and smiling.
I don't want their earliest memories to be of mom screaming from the kitchen because the Baby Boy colored on the TV with some secret crayon he found and the Princess has asked for the 315th time why she can't have a cookie when dinner is 5 minutes away. Yeah. That was a pretty sight.
I want them to know how my heart sings when they cuddle with me. I want them to know how their smiles light up my life. I want them to know that no matter what, no matter what any family member or friend may ever say, no matter what they have heard, that mommy and daddy have loved each of them endlessly and constantly, and they were each wanted 100%.
Those conversations scare me. One day we're going to have to talk about that. I don't want them to think, even for a second, that they were anything less than loved and adored and wanted.
My life may not have played out exactly how I anticipated it would.
It's a million times better.
I want to do better by them. I need to do better by them. They deserve that.
I know I can be the mom I want to be.
I know they love me, and I know that we have way more good days than we do bad days.
I know it's normal when they are toddlers and preschoolers to have these moments.
I know these moments occurred in my childhood, and I think my mom is awesome.
So they will think I'm awesome, too, some day, right?
This parenting thing is HARD.
I'll quote from one of my favorite movies:
The hard is what makes it great.