Tonight.

There's a big girl in my house, sound asleep, curled up with her favorite stuffed animal, blankets tucked in tightly around her body in what she calls her bedtime "cocoon."

There's a little boy in my house, sound asleep, curled up with his favorite stuffed animal, blankets thrown on the floor because he likes his legs "chilly" when he sleeps.

There's a baby girl growing in my belly, who is kicking and moving more and more each day, who will complete our family in more ways than we can possibly imagine in just a few short months.

And me? I'm here. Relishing in the silence. Wanting to scoop each of them into my arms and whisper how wonderful and amazing they are. How very blessed I am to be their mama.

I sit here just thinking. The good and the bad. The amazing miracles in our lives. The struggles, daily, to make it all work.

Even though there are dishes that need to be done, boxes that still need to be unpacked, and a myriad of other tasks that need to be done, I still feel at ease.

What a welcome change!

First day of school!

She made it! First day of kindergarten. Success!

I was so proud of her. We struggled for the better part of last year with tears in the morning. About half the time it was fake, but the other half was definitely real. I'm not exactly sure what prompted it or why it lasted for the entire year.

So far, this year, no tears!

She was visibly nervous. You could see it. We talked a lot about going to a new school, and how she won't be the only "new kid" since most of her class hadn't been to school before! We talked a lot about making friends and fun things she can learn. We've spent hours talking about the myriad of choices she has for lunch.

She was ready.

My little girl, all grown up and heading out into the world!

Okay, not quite, but gosh, it sure feels like it!

We made it to the school years.

We made it through the nighttime feedings and the diaper rash. Through the spit up and the uncontrollable crying. We made it through sleeping through the night (okay, so that might still be a work in progress...) and learning how to walk. Through all the "firsts" a new baby brings.

Now we have a whole new world of "firsts" and exciting things. And a whole new world of problems and conflicts she has yet to experience.

I'm pretty darn glad that I get to be the one to help her walk through it all.

She's my best girl.

My Secrets.

Outward goes my energy, so very little sometimes to give away.

The parts of me, deep inside, so precious, so they stay.

I wonder often if I whisper my dreams to the stars, might they come true?

Or if by saying them out loud the possibility will dissolve, too.

I ache and yearn for more than this.

The excitement, the love, fulfillment, the bliss.

It's not about what works for me, this is so much deeper than I can explain.

It's about our family, our sanity, our whole lives, our souls, so much to gain.

So instead of whispers and secrets, I'll just pray.

He knows what is best for us, and He'll have the final say.

I'll put my life in His hands, something I should do more often, and wait.

For a sign, for a star, for some idea of what His plan is and what is our fate.

Patience isn't my best virtue. I'm about planning and lists and goals.

I need to know. Not just in my head and in my heart, but in my soul.

What's going to happen? Yes? No? Silliest idea ever? Best plan yet?

What will You say, dear Lord? Is it a go? Are our lives already set?

Let it go, and let be.

Just wait and see.

I'll pray, and rest.

You always know best.

A month later.

Hello!

I didn't mean to abandon you, my dear blog. It was out of my hands.

But here I am, ready and willing to bare my soul to the world.

Or not.

It's Saturday, it's raining, I'm rambling, and still very, very sleep deprived.

Tonight something took over me and I became the mom I don't want to be.

I don't know why. Or where it even came from.

My babies went to bed not very happy with me.

I then sat and cried on the couch.

I sometimes find myself so overwhelmed.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that my coaching season has come to an end.

Not as much relief as I had anticipated.

I'm grateful to have more time to do other things, but I just love softball so much, it's hard when it comes to an end.

It was hard as a player.

It's still hard as a coach.

I have a lot to do.

House to clean.

Work to do.

Babies to make things right with.

Tomorrow will be busy.

We're spending it at home, with no plans to go anywhere.

Except for church in the morning.

After that, we're coming home and staying put.

We're going to be a happy family tomorrow.

So let it be written, so let it be done.

Yeah!

I blanked.

Time for bed?

Dishes first.

Then bed.

Well, dishes, wake up babies to apologize and THEN bed.

I plan, one day, to leave them little notes to wake up to.

Ya know, when they can read and all that jazz.

Tonight's note would say, "I adore you. I'm so sorry for my behavior today. You make me smile constantly."

Times two babies.

Welcome back, blog readers. More rambling in the future.

You can count on that, at least!

Oh summer.

I'm so beyond giddy about going back to school.

I'm not sure that giddiness will continue once homework and papers and exams start piling up.

But for now, I'm giddy.

I wish it was September!

At the same time, I hope the next few months slow down a bit.

I want to enjoy this summer.

My little girl will be in school all day, all week, starting in September.

My little girl is going to a brand new school, starting in September.

This begins her real school life. She's in pre-k now, and she loves it, but it's just a few days a week, for a few hours.

Next year, it's all day, every day.

That's a lot.

It is another reminder of how fast she has grown.

My little girl.

With her big blue eyes, blonde curls, beautiful smile, and her imagination that runs a mile a minute.

She's amazing.

Summer will bring us lots of excitement.

Our first time in a t-ball league.

Her first time playing t-ball.

My first time coaching t-ball.

This summer will bring lots of baseball, just like it did every summer of my childhood.

There's something awesome about that.

This summer will bring visits from far away uncles.

That brings tears to my eyes. Oh how I miss those boys.

This summer will bring birthdays and BBQ's and carnivals and parties and swimming and park playdates and late nights playing in our backyard.

I love summer.

I will let my excitement for school go just a little bit, just a little so that I can enjoy my summer.

Life is so amazingly sweet.

Reflections.

Today we stayed in our pajamas all morning. It's almost lunchtime, maybe we'll get dressed after we eat. We're going to picnic on the floor in the living room for lunch and watch a movie. It's a beautiful day outside, so the windows are open. This weekend maybe we'll move our picnic outside. Today, I'm still feeling pretty vulnerable, so we're shut in.

Today we played in the kitchen. I kept the baby gate down all morning. I sat in the kitchen and blew bubbles and the kids chased them down giggling. I let them play on the couch cushions on the floor. We giggled and played and tickled each other.

I just let them be.

It was carefree. It was relaxed.

My heart is heavy. Life can end so suddenly. It scares me what can happen. I realize I can't live in fear of the future, but it's hard to escape that reality sometimes.

We have to keep living. We have to embrace our loved ones. We have to keep taking chances and pushing ourselves. We have to become better people.

I'm trying to be optimistic.

You Capture - A Moment

I've never participated in one of these before, but there are several that I follow regularly with interest! Especially You Capture. I want to take pictures, I want to catch these special moments and have them forever!

This week's challenge was "A Moment". I debated how to go about this. What kind of moment? Something sweet? Happy? Messy? Frustrating? Messy AND frustrating? (which is more likely these days...)

Then I watched my children playing together and I just started taking pictures of them. These beautiful moment came out.

They are happy little people. They genuinely love each other, and are so loved by so many people. These giggly, tickly, "roar-y" moments (yeah, the boy child is roaring!) are so awesome.

Check it out: You Capture - A Moment

Reminders.

My life is full of reminders of things I need to do, things I've missed, things I wish I could do better.

I get frustrated when my youngest pulls all of the kid books off the bookshelf - and I mean EVERY book. I'm reminded that I don't have this parenting thing down pat yet and I wonder if I'll ever figure it out?

I practically pull my hair out when I see new crayon marks on the wall, despite the fact that I WATCH very carefully when they color, and I know I took all the crayons away when they finish. How did I miss this? I'm reminded there may be much more that I miss, and I pray that I'm only missing the hidden crayons, and cry that I may miss something much more important one day.

I smile thinking about the birthdays we've celebrated, and the exciting birthdays to come, and gosh, why do they come and go so quickly? I'm reminded that the days of excitement over birthday hats and balloons and sprinkled cupcakes are not here forever.

I smile seeing both sets of keys hanging - knowing that my husband is home safe and sound from work. And, wow, I'm reminded of how we've combined our lives and hearts in such big ways (our babies) and small ways (having keys to each other's vehicle). This makes me feel so grown up and just so darn lucky.

The sunshine inspires me. I'm reminded that there are opportunities and second chances and possibilities and dreams that can be achieved.

Some reminders render me speechless. So I just pray.

I'm reminded that I'm mom to a boy and mom to a girl, and how very different those roles are, and how very similar they are at the same time.

Oh, my sweet darling girl! Her daily beauty regimen at the ripe age of four includes a headband and pigtails, as well as an outfit of her own choosing. Today included black leggings, a navy blue skirt, a pink t-shirt, and pink Sleeping Beauty socks. Her creativity and excitement and beauty and wonder, oh, it's inspiring to watch, and makes me smile! I'm reminded of what an awesome gift it is to be her mother, and how more than anything I want to give her everything that I have. I don't want to let her down.

Little fingers playing with little cars. He's so very BOY, and it fills my heart with love and joy! I'm reminded that these sweet days of cuddling and kisses and "MY mama!" are passing quickly, and my heart aches. I had no idea how much I would love being mom to a boy, and how terrifying it would be, and how absolutely wonderful it would be, all at the same time!

A pile of shoes, shoes that carry my little darlings into their lives, helping them carry on adventures and fun, thrown on a floor that should be cleaned probably more often than I care to admit. I'm reminded that I need to give them adventures and fun more often.

Pre-school homework assignments. She loves it, she enjoys it, she gets giddy talking about how wonderful it is! I'm reminded that this is the beginning of her growing up and becoming independent. It's wonderful, and I'm grateful to be her cheerleader.

These moments, these reminders, the mess that needs to be cleaned, the laundry that needs to be done, the pile of dirty dishes, the spilled milk, the smiles, the giggles, the adventures and the fun...

....this is what makes every moment worth it.

My Darling Boy

Two years a go, my baby was almost a leap year baby.

Two years a go, my baby was almost born on the side of the expressway in a blizzard.

Two years a go, he changed my life completely.

Two years later, my little boy is two.

WHAT?!?!?

I know, time flew by, right?

*sigh* My beautiful, sweet, kind, caring little baby.

He has the best giggle and the most adorable smile.

His dimples and toothy grin make me melt.

When he hears a sound from another room, he shouts, very gruffly, "That?"

When he has an idea, which is very often, he puts his finger up under his chin and says, "Hmmm."

He has on knock, knock joke and it makes me laugh every time.

When he's sleepy, he climbs up in my lap and folds his hands right under his chin.

He defiantly tells everyone, "MY MAMA", and clutches me around the neck.

He throws things.

Well, he throws everything.

He colors on my wall.

And floor.

He gets mad at me, yells, "NO!" wagging his finger in my face, running to his room and slamming the door, and then I hear him emptying bins of toys on the ground.

He knows that makes me crazy.

He climbs on everything.

And everyone.

He's constantly putting things in his mouth.

Especially anything that has gluten in it.

Which is bad, considering he is a gluten-free kid.

He drives me crazy sometimes, and I really wonder how we will make it through these crazy toddler years.

Then he curls up in my lap and kisses me on the cheek and smiles at me, and my heart melts, and I pray that these crazy toddler years go by very, very slowly.

Minus the throwing things. That one I can do without.

Happy 2nd birthday, my darling boy. I love you more than I can ever describe!

Oh Time, Please Slow Down!

The Baby Boy has a new habit of climbing on the back of the couch and lounging across the cushion.

I'm sitting on the couch watching The Princess play on the floor and I hear a very soft, very sweet, "Mama?" whispered in my ear.

I look over my shoulder and there he is, my baby, resting his cheek on his hand, flashing his best smile and showcasing those adorable dimples.

My heart skipped a beat.

My baby boy turns 2 in eleven days.

He has made my life so much more than I ever imagined it could be. I was so deeply in love with his sister, I was confused how the dynamic of adding a second child to our family would change things.

Oh my. It was one of the best things we ever did.

He's amazing.

Mama rambles at all hours of the night!

Some days I want to rip my hair out and lock myself in the bathroom and cry.

To be honest, some days I DO lock myself in the bathroom and cry.

But some days, I realize how absolutely lucky and blessed I am.

I'm not a perfect mother.

I've always struggled with that goal - wanting and trying to be "perfect".

I want my kids to be happy. I want them to know they are always constantly loved and adored for who they are.

I don't want to push my insecurities on them.

I want them to be healthy. I want to make them well-balanced meals. I want them to get enough exercise. I want to do the right thing when it comes to all the environmental things I am told I should be concerned about.

I want them to be safe. I want to protect them from cruel people who want to cause them harm. I want to protect them from bullies. I want to protect them from broken hearts and mean words spoken by friends.

I want them to have happy memories of their childhood. I want their earliest memories to be of mommy and daddy, happy, loving, all of us playing and smiling.

I don't want their earliest memories to be of mom screaming from the kitchen because the Baby Boy colored on the TV with some secret crayon he found and the Princess has asked for the 315th time why she can't have a cookie when dinner is 5 minutes away. Yeah. That was a pretty sight.

I want them to know how my heart sings when they cuddle with me. I want them to know how their smiles light up my life. I want them to know that no matter what, no matter what any family member or friend may ever say, no matter what they have heard, that mommy and daddy have loved each of them endlessly and constantly, and they were each wanted 100%.

Those conversations scare me. One day we're going to have to talk about that. I don't want them to think, even for a second, that they were anything less than loved and adored and wanted.

My life may not have played out exactly how I anticipated it would.

It's a million times better.

I want to do better by them. I need to do better by them. They deserve that.

I know I can be the mom I want to be.

I know they love me, and I know that we have way more good days than we do bad days.

I know it's normal when they are toddlers and preschoolers to have these moments.

I know these moments occurred in my childhood, and I think my mom is awesome.

So they will think I'm awesome, too, some day, right?

This parenting thing is HARD.

I'll quote from one of my favorite movies:

The hard is what makes it great.

Hmmmm...privacy?

I don't know how many people actually read this blog.

Anybody? Anybody at all?

I have great aspirations of sitting down and writing profound thoughts every day, and large quantities of people reading and commenting.

Well, okay, maybe not large quantities.

Just one or two.

And, well, FINE, maybe not writing anything profound, either.

But still.

I wonder how much is too much?

I've yet to use my kids real names. They have beautiful names, they really do!

I've yet to post pictures of them. They have beautiful faces, they really do!

How am I to know that I'm not giving away too much information? How am I to know that the serial killer of all serial killers happens to read MY blog, sees my kids faces, figures out where I'm from, and shows up at my house?

I've been reading blog after blog lately. The majority of them include both their kids real names and pictures. Some have just their names, others just pictures with code names. I'm seriously frightened about revealing too much.

So then what is the fun of having a blog? If I can't delve into my real life? Ugh. What to do?

Perhaps I'm over thinking it. I have a tendency to do that.

I've already apologized to my kids for their teenage years, when they are stuck with the extremely overprotective mother. I realize it's several years out, but the poor kids are going to have it bad.

Parenting is Joyous!

My children can be incredibly sweet.

The Princess is so worried about the Baby Boy, she watches over him carefully and alerts me at the first sign of him even glancing at something that may have gluten in it.

The Baby Boy adores his big sister so much. He follows her everywhere.

They play so well together. We spent several minutes today each taking a turn making a silly face and the others having to copy it. It was so much fun, so much giggling occurred! The Baby Boy's faces were priceless, and the Princess could not stop laughing! It was wonderful.

They sat together today, in a laundry basket, the big sister teaching the little brother nursery rhymes.

Precious.

That moment, of course, was immediately followed by pushing and shoving trying to race each other OUT of the laundry basket. Then the little one climbed ON TOP of the big one as she crawled away from the scene, both of them screaming their pretty little heads off.

Precious, always precious. :)

Those Mid-Winter Blues

It's actually a little early for the blues to hit me. Historically, it happens about mid-January. It's often baffled me how the magical holiday season inspires me and fills me with such joy and love, how I wait with baited breath at the window for the first sign of snowflakes falling....and then all of two minutes later I'm angry and cranky and I've got no good reason for any of it.

This has been the story of my life since as far back as I can remember. I have heard from many people that they go through something like this in the middle of the winter. It's just substantiated itself as I've gotten older and have more obligations and commitments and screaming children who need my attention.

Okay, they aren't screaming, for the most part, but Mommy could really use just a minute to herself every once in awhile...

It's a funk. I can't help it. I've yet to figure out a way to push myself out of it. I'm trying to focus on the new year, setting new goals, starting over, blah blah blahhhh.

I'm on edge, that's for sure.

Oh, life.

We are settling in to our new home. Boxes have been unpacked or shuffled to the basement for sorting later. Shelves have been constructed, furniture placed, beds put together and rearranged several times. Toy placement has been played with, resorted, moved around. The dishes pile up. We clean them. They reappear. The laundry is constantly washed, seldom put away, as we are still figuring out where clean laundry should reside.

It's starting to feel like home.

I'm beginning to smile again at the little things I had taken for granted.

The little pets lined up in neat rows on the floor, sorted by animal type.

The eight or so balls underneath the couch, where they had rolled out of reach of little fingers.

The letter and number magnets that cover the refrigerator, holding up school and homemade art projects.

The coat rack that holds each of their little coats, next to my husband's.

They make me smile endlessly and always. Despite any issues that may arise in our day to day life, seeing their smiling little faces, having them reach their hand out for mine, hearing that sweet, "Mama!" (or "MOM!" depending on the mood of the Princess) - these are the things that make my day to day life so infinitely wonderful.

I try and remember these things while they are pushing and screaming and making me want to tear my hair out. I remind myself that these moments will only last for a short while, and soon they will be past this stage. Then I remember that this really will only last a short while - and I should slow down and enjoy every second I can.

Midnight Conversations

Princess wanders out of her room after being asleep for several hours and asks me to come and tuck her in. I, of course, oblige, and as I'm leaving her room, the following conversation takes place, while her eyes are closed:

Princess: Mommy, can you move the crayons for me?

Me: *chuckle* Sure, baby, I'll move them.

Princess: Mommy, I know it's really in my imagination, so it's okay if you don't move them.

Smart cookie, she is! I then go to the kitchen and pop some popcorn (don't judge me!). About 20 minutes later, out she comes:

Princess: Mama, my pillow smells like popcorn!

Then she turns and proceeds back into her room with her smelly pillow, and I return to my delicious popcorn.

She's growing up...but I didn't agree to that!

It seems like just yesterday I was in the hospital, high as a kite, laughing my way through 13 hours of labor. The Princess made her grand entrance into this world in the afternoon (as is the tradition of the women in our family, all PM babies!) on a Monday, with the sun streaming through the window of our hospital room. That's what I remember most about that day - how it went from dark to light in what seemed like seconds, as if her presence had brightened our room, our world, our hearts.

Oh, and I also remember the first thing she did as she emerged into the bright room was poop on my foot and the doctor. First impressions, I tell ya...

Today began the next chapter of her bright little life. I signed her up for pre-school.

To be completely honest, I am a wreck. How do I leave my bright, creative, energetic baby with some person who does not know her or understand her spirit? She's bubbly and happy and smart as a whip. She moves through life with a skip in her step, her blonde curls bouncing everywhere she goes. She brightens the room when she enters with her beautiful smile, her quick wit, her sparkling eyes. How can I be sure that these people at her school will take my bright, spirited baby under their wing and foster her creativity and energy? How can I be sure that her beautiful spirit will be accepted and not frowned upon? How can I be sure that they will just accept her as she is, and not look at her as unruly or misbehaving when she sings a Taylor Swift song randomly at the top of her lungs in the middle of the day, or when she goes on one of her great adventures with her pal Swiper and her pet Lamb (whether they come to class or not!)? Oh gosh, and those kids...they better be nice to her! How can I protect her from cruel children? How can I be sure she is strong enough to let those comments roll off her back? How can I be sure that she comes home from that school still bubbly and shining and bright?

How do I not be the crazy mother who drives by twenty times during recess and peers through the windows of her classroom???

My poor kid. I should be more worried about how embarrassed she's going to be by her stalker mother following her around her college campus in 14 years....

Wait. 14 years until she is in college??? That's it??? I am so not ready for any of this!!

So tonight I'm not going to worry about her waking up in the middle of the night and cuddling up next to me and whispering, "Hold me, Mama" as she plays with my hair. Because in 14 years, she's going to be sleeping in her college dorm room, completely unconcerned about her mother...

...who will probably be peering in her window!

For the Mamas.

It's Mother's Day! I've had a few now, I'm a seasoned pro! I snuggled with my littlest one and whispered in his ear how grateful I am to be his mommy, and how happy that we get to celebrate our second Mother's Day together. I pulled my big girl in for a hug and whispered in her ear how grateful I am to be her mommy, and how she, being the first, made me a mommy. I have two smiling, laughing, amazing, wonderful, happy children. I am so blessed and so grateful that God found me worthy to be the mother of these two. Sometimes I don't feel like I can handle it, and I don't feel that I'm doing a good enough job, but all it takes is a sweet, "Mama, you are my best friend ever!" from my princess, or the dimply smiled boy extending his arms in the air to me when I come home to make me realize that I'm not doing such a bad job after all.

There are many mother figures in my life. My own mother, who is my best friend and cheerleader in life, who has taught me more about life and about myself than I could even begin to put into words. She is the mom I want to be. She is my true inspiration. I miss her so much. I have two wonderful grandmothers, who love me, despite and because of my faults. I disappoint them and call them to beg for money, and they still love me. They are wonderful women, and I'm lucky to have them in my life. I have two amazing aunts who support me and love me and my family. They have been there through some rough things the past few years, and without their support, I'm not sure how I would have handled things. I'm grateful to have them in my life. My husband has a second-mother, if you will, and she adores him and me and our kids. She's been a great source of comfort to my husband when he needs it, and she dotes on my children and makes them feel loved and wanted constantly. She's a wonderful gift to our family.

I could go on and on.

The point is...every single one of those amazing women live approximately 1400 miles away from me. How did that happen? Well, we were in a rough place. We couldn't get a handle on our lives, we couldn't figure out what needed to be done. We took a big leap and moved across the country. I don't think it was a bad thing, and I don't regret making this choice. We've learned a lot about ourselves, what is most important to our family, where our values and ideals lie. We've grown closer as a couple and closer to our children. We've finally figured out where our priorities are. I don't know what, if anything, will happen right now, but it's fairly evident that we are in for yet another major, life-changing leap. This time we're going to land somewhere where we are wanted and loved and cared about, unconditionally.

So, change is in the air. Again. Maybe. Possibly. Probably. We'll see how things advance as the days go on. Either way, I'm grateful for these incredibly women who have molded and shaped my life, who have loved me constantly, and who love and support my husband and children. That's what true family is, and I'm so lucky to have such an amazing one, and so happy that we've finally figured out how important that is to us.

Happy Mother's Day, to all the amazing moms in my life.