Saturday, December 27, 2008

Catching up on life.

Catching up on life - haha, yeah right! Easier said than done! I feel like I am constantly running in circles, trying to keep up with a constantly growing to-do list. I keep saying that I just need a day off from work to catch up, but on those days I am just too exhausted to accomplish anything! My seasonal job ends in three more weeks so hopefully that will allow us to all fit into a smoother schedule. I am going to use that time to focus on my regular part-time job and starting a business from home. More importantly, I'm going to use that time to focus more on my kids and our life as a whole, sticking to our schedules and having more fun time.

The husband and I have been talking. We CAN make this all work. Despite the many (and I mean MANY) setbacks that have come our way, we can still make this all work. We love each other and are in this for the long haul. We love and adore our children. We work hard. We have goals, and we will achieve them.

After a very long day at work, I'm going to throw some laundry in the dryer and do a load of dishes and head to bed. Tomorrow is a repeat of today, but Sunday brings some time off to enjoy with my family who are in town visiting us. Yay!

Saturday, December 13, 2008


It's been awhile. We have been working like crazy around here. I'm juggling two jobs, the brother is getting more hours at his job, and the husband just started a new job this week. We are determined to make ends meet - eventually!

The munchkins are well. Both are visiting the doctor this week - Princess is getting some blood tests and Baby Boy is following up on some food intolerance issues. He also has a CT coming up. Fun stuff. Not.

Our family is coming in from the great state up north! Grandma will be here in 6 days, mom and brother will be here in 8. I can't stand the waiting - I'm beyond excited!

I'm exhausted, cranky, and feel incredibly unorganized. Tomorrow I don't work and am hoping to wake up refreshed and ready to accomplish the many tasks on the ever-growing list I have in my planner. That's the plan, at least.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


We've become an extremely busy family over the course of a few days, and it SEEMS like we are handling it well so far, but I'm already starting to feel the exhaustion! My brother is working two jobs, I'm working two jobs, the husband has one and is searching for another. We're trying our best to make ends meet, and keep a handle on the children. We've become master schedulers, keeping track of where everybody is supposed to be and organizing rides the night before. Of course, it's only day two, so maybe "master" isn't quite the word...

The hubby and I are taking our boy to the doctor tomorrow for the results of his head x-rays. I feel pretty confident in expecting positive results, but it will be nice to hear it from the doctor. For those not in the know, his soft spot was partially closed, we noticed it at two months of age when he had x-rays done which showed that it was closed but not enough for surgery. Now we're following up with new images to make sure things are still on the right track, and to discuss how we will continue watching him, what to look for, etc. - our "plan of action". I'm feeling confident, his head has been growing properly and he is definitely on time developmentally. I just get nervous everytime he spits up or coughs or it too much? Is that normal? Does it mean brain swelling? I just keep praying.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

I took initiative and went and found myself a job. After over a year of being out of the workforce, I've jumped back in head first. I've got two jobs for now. I'm starting a retail position this week part-time, and an office position the following week part-time. The retail position is only seasonal, but the extra income is really going to help us.

Now comes the part I forgot about. That motherly guilt thing. Feeling guilty for leaving my kids at home and feeling like I'm missing out on their lives. Like they will hate me for working. I know that's not the case, but for whatever reason, us moms seem to be convinced of it!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Still no focus - what the heck!

My lack of motivation is slowly catching up to me. The husband did most of the dishes this weekend, which gave the illusion of cleanliness in the kitchen. We had to rearrange the living room because our couch broke, and by doing so it opened the entire living room up and now you can see the mess from any point in the house. The mess consists mostly of baby toys, discarded clothing from both children, diapers and wipes, spit rags, baby paraphenalia that hasn't been used in months, and piles of the toddler's toys neatly organized in various places around the room. Compile the overwhelming feeling of dirtiness on top of the fact that because the baby boy has been teething for the last week or so, mama hasn't slept much, and I am really amazed if any of this entry comes out even semi-coherent because I am beyond exhaustion.

I have so much to do, so much I WANT to do, but it really requires me to sit down, prioritize, and DO something. I'm sort of stumbling through my morning routine today, and when I'm done with that I think I'll be ready to get down to business.

I will search for some focus today. It's been awhile since I've had any.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Lack of focus.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I know, kind of scary. Though all I seem to do lately is think. There is no action behind the thoughts. I'm trying to figure out what to do on many levels, family, kids, husband, friends, family, social, personal. So much is going on. I can't get a handle on anything. I feel so...disconnected.

I want so much, I just can't get a handle on things. I can't focus.

It has taken me almost an hour to get this far in this blog.

Now the boys are home, so I'm going to attempt to make myself useful elsewhere.


Tuesday, November 4, 2008

History has been made!

I just finished watching Barack Obama's acceptance speech. As usual, I have chills. I sat here in front of the television with my husband and children, both of whom were fast asleep and completely oblivious to what was happening. We watched history in the making. This is one of those events that our grandchildren will come home from school and ask us about. It's exciting!

On other fronts, the job search is moving toward the positive end, and that's something!

I guess I don't have a lot to say tonight. I'm excited, thrilled, happy, elated, you name it tonight. I'm 1 for 2 in my vote for president winning. Not too bad. :) I'm excited for our future.


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

If you could see inside my head...

This is me kicking myself. Can you see it? Okay, probably not, as you are reading this somewhere other than in front of my actual being, but I'm sure you can picture it, if not feel the breeze - cause it's a mighty hard kick! I have THOUGHTS STUCK IN MY HEAD. Seriously. They are RIGHT THERE. I physically feel heavy in my brain because I know what I want but I CAN'T GET IT OUT! It's annoying to say the least.

I feel crazy. Insane, even. If I had any energy, I'd go running around outside and scream my head off. I have creative energy, just no physical energy left. Perhaps that is why my brain can't send the damn thoughts I've been trying to get out for the past hour to wherever they are supposed to go to make sense! I should probably sleep. However, I CAN'T SLEEP because I have too many thoughts in my head!! See the problem?? UGH!!

I just finished reading a random blog about a woman who could not relate to her 4 year old daughter. She used swear words in her blog. I fell in love immediately and bookmarked the page. Seriously, I feel her pain!

I'm becoming an avid lover of the goddess that calls herself Super Nanny. I grabbed her book off my shelf today after being inspired by my friend on my mom's group, and man oh man, did I miss Super Nanny! She is so straightforward, and holds back nothing! Her book is written like her television show - she is that blunt. I just love it. I NEED IT. Sanity, schedules, patience, organization, air. I NEED IT ALL.

I need my mom to boost my creativeness. She can't be sitting at the phone waiting on my ever need, though, she is busy working on her own survival, and I get that. But when did I become so self-reliant that she could let me move away and attempt to raise these kids and follow my dreams and write an opening paragraph for my website all by myself???? Is she NUTS??? Maybe I need to move home into her basement and whine to her about how I am just a child myself and can't figure these things out. Whining in person has always scored more points, more hugs, and better advice! (and gets my paragraphs written for me....)

So, here I sit, all pretend-adult-like, with two little PEOPLE who have actual needs and wants that can't be fulfilled on their own, who have it in their crazy little heads that I am the sanest person around to help them achieve whatever it is they need or want, and I have no choice but to figure this whole thing out on my own. All pretend-adult-like. They are cute, but eventually they will see through this facade and realize that the woman they call "Mom" has really no CLUE what she is doing!! I think the big one already has that one figured out...

*******10 minutes later....**********

*sigh* Then there are moments like that, where I become Super Mama. The little one wakes up, I can't quite tell if he's just fussing or actually awake so I give him a minute to attempt to fall back asleep on his own. That doesn't work, and I can tell he's standing up (oh yes, he does that now, too!), so I go pick him up and attempt to rock him, and sure enough, the big one comes in, wide awake, asking if I can take little one to Daddy so I can lay with her. Daddy, of course, is fast asleep and unaware that existence has continued past the moment his head hit the pillow. So I take her back to bed, tuck her in, kiss her, and stand in her room rocking the baby and reassuring her that I wouldn't leave until she was asleep. All it took was 10 minutes and it's back to peace and quiet around here. Not bad, huh? Not a world record or anything, but a confidence booster nonetheless!!

So, I guess, the moral of all of this is that though I desperately feel like I'm about to fall off a cliff at any given moment, I can do this, and I can do it WELL. I love them both so much and that's the best thing I can do for them! Mama's going to have cranky moments, and there will be dirty dishes in my sink (much to my grandpa's chagrin, I'm sure), and the laundry will never be caught up, and there will always be somebody's fingerprints on something, but I LOVE my kids, and I play with them, and I cuddle with them, and I laugh with them, and I just enjoy their presence in my life so much (even at 3:00am, don't let me fool you!), that none of that other crap really matters. We'll make it.


Time for another glass of kool-aid...

Saturday, September 27, 2008


I'm exhausted, but extremely happy. I'm renewed, even. I came to a realization today, and so far I am sticking to this positivity. However, I am exhausted, so hopefully I can come back tomorrow and still feel this way, so I can share it with you!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

I want to post, but I got nothin'.

I've had pretty much a "blah" day. I realize that those days are going to continue to happen, I just hope that I can get them to start coming a little less frequently. I was upset by some emails, which was silly and completely not what I interpreted it as. Once I relaxed a little, I had more family issues to deal with. That's what keeps upsetting me the most at the moment. I hate feeling so powerless when it comes to the situation I'm in. I have very little choices. I don't like feeling trapped, and I especially don't like feeling as if I am dirt. That's just on one side of the family. If we shift to the other, I have a whole new list of things to dwell on. Always healthy.

I've got a topic to write about that I'm not sure I've spoke about to anybody. Perhaps I can get to that tomorrow. I want to be able to put my entire focus into it, and can't really do that effectively at almost 1:00am.

I guess I don't have a lot to say at the moment. Just proud of myself that I made it through another "blah" day, and this time with some clarity and realization that everything is, and will be, just fine. I can rest a little easier tonight. I hope!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Mission to Change - Topic 1

I'm really making the effort to change myself completely for the better, and this time I'm going to follow through with it completely. I know for a fact that I will stumble along the way, but I will be a better person for it, a better woman for it, a better mother for it.

Today is about my relationship with my children.

I feel like I'm, generally speaking, a good mother. I certainly have my moments when I really just want to escape from it all, but that's pretty normal. I feel, though, that I sometimes become absent in my days with them. I'm here, but I'm not HERE. My mind is somewhere else completely, and I don't have the energy for anything. A simple request for something to drink is sometimes met with an angry reply that is completely undeserved. This isn't constant, but it's much more often than I would like. They are growing up entirely too fast and I can't take it. All of these beautiful baby moments are slipping by and I'm missing them.

So my goal for myself is to take a few minutes (or longer, if time permits, and hopefully it will!) to really sit down and have a moment with each of them, everyday. Yesterday, while my son was napping, my daughter asked me to play with her. I immediately turned the television off and made that effort to play with her, and we had a great time. She likes to set up all of her house toys just like me. :) It was that simple, and it made her day. And mine, too. Next up, while my daughter was finishing up her lunch and getting ready to take her nap, my son woke up and when I went to get him out of bed, he immediately smiled and lifted his one arm to me (he leans on the other one). It melts my heart, and I relished in his small embrace, his hand on my cheek as I kiss him and tell him how happy I am to see him. We played together on the floor, him giggling the entire time, his sister laughing and clapping everytime he attempted to sit up. It was a wonderful moment, and one that I want repeated as often as possible.

It's that simple. I regularly have good moments with my kids everyday, but really telling myself to push past that fog in my head really made me become a happier, more approachable mom. I really feel that both kids responded to it, too. I was amazed at what it did for me. I really felt HAPPY, which isn't something I feel all the time.

Today, while my daughter was sleeping, I sat down again with my son and played with him. He giggled and laughed and his beautiful blue eyes were shining. He really has the most gorgeous blue eyes! Watching him crawl and explore, and letting me come along for the ride, is something I'm going to hold on to as long as I can. My daughter is out at the store now with her daddy, so when she gets home, her and I are going to do something fun together.

Even if it's not one-on-one time, I'm going to make a point of letting myself really experience my children every single day. I feel like I'm giving myself a really great gift. I feel so rewarded and just so lucky. This is something I can do, and will do, every single day. We will all benefit from it.

*We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand...and melting like a snowflake. Let us use it before it is too late. ~ Marie Beynon*

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Let's get goin'.

I am finding it a bit hard to start writing in this, but I tend to get writer's block when I start a new journal. Same thing goes with the journals I started for my kids. I always have the best of intentions, and I really WANT to write, I can just never get it started. That can stem all the way back to school. Anytime I had to write a report, I could never get it started, ever. That first paragraph always drove me crazy. My mom was the one who would always step in and calm me down and give me a few ideas. Where the heck is she when I need her now?

Far away, that's where. This whole living across the country thing isn't much fun. I go through moments when I'm fine with everything, then I go through moments where it feels like the world has ended. I'm really physically exhausted just from my emotions. I think I could deal with things if the family that I now live closer to acted in anyway like my family back home. Sure, my family certainly has moments where we don't get along, or specific people who tend to stir up excitement, but here, it's constant drama. CONSTANT. I try so hard to be accepted and be friendly, but it gets me nowhere but crying into my pillow. So, what's a girl to do?

What I usually do, I suppose. Keep trying. There is that small part of me that still wants everybody to like me (thought I would have lost that silly notion back in high school - not so much!), but it's mostly because I really just want peace and tranquility and a family that gets along, mostly for my children's sake. I want them to enjoy the family gatherings like I did when I was younger (funny how THAT has changed, too...). On top of that, I'm entirely too nice and forgiving. Though I've come across as the "bitch" to my new family, I'm still confused how that happened, it's okay, because I'm still going to keep trying. I don't give up on people. That can be good or bad, depending on the situation.

I have a homeless man's belongings in my shed even though he is somewhere 1400 miles away from me. Why? Because I don't give up on people. Ever. I haven't given up on my family yet, and I'm certainly not giving up on my extended family, either. I need to learn to compartmentalize better, to deal with these emotions as they come and not to let them devour my entire being.

I am fiercely unhappy these days, and it's hard sorting it out and deciding where to begin to make a change. I miss myself - my happy, bubbly self. I'm confident I can find her again. She's under there somewhere, under the pain, the anger, the pounds - she's there.

I've got too much good in my life to lose myself again. I've got too much at stake this time. This is the beginning of change.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Trying again!

I've attempted to write in this blog a number of times, and I think this time I'm going to stick with it! I've had many online journals over the past 10 years. I'm sure my friends from high school can remember how much we used to update our LJ's and over at diary-x. I still have my original LJ, not that I post in it anymore, and seriously - I was nuts back then! :)

My original thought for this blog was to really use it for WRITING, not just my day to day activities. More of my thoughts and feelings on a various array of subjects. I still might go that way, I guess we'll see how it goes!

I've been using my myspace blog lately, too. I'm not sure if I like it. We'll see how long I can keep it public, too. Remember when we used to go back and forth every few months making all of our entries private or friends-only? *sigh* Times have certainly changed...

We'll see where this takes me.