I am finding it a bit hard to start writing in this, but I tend to get writer's block when I start a new journal. Same thing goes with the journals I started for my kids. I always have the best of intentions, and I really WANT to write, I can just never get it started. That can stem all the way back to school. Anytime I had to write a report, I could never get it started, ever. That first paragraph always drove me crazy. My mom was the one who would always step in and calm me down and give me a few ideas. Where the heck is she when I need her now?
Far away, that's where. This whole living across the country thing isn't much fun. I go through moments when I'm fine with everything, then I go through moments where it feels like the world has ended. I'm really physically exhausted just from my emotions. I think I could deal with things if the family that I now live closer to acted in anyway like my family back home. Sure, my family certainly has moments where we don't get along, or specific people who tend to stir up excitement, but here, it's constant drama. CONSTANT. I try so hard to be accepted and be friendly, but it gets me nowhere but crying into my pillow. So, what's a girl to do?
What I usually do, I suppose. Keep trying. There is that small part of me that still wants everybody to like me (thought I would have lost that silly notion back in high school - not so much!), but it's mostly because I really just want peace and tranquility and a family that gets along, mostly for my children's sake. I want them to enjoy the family gatherings like I did when I was younger (funny how THAT has changed, too...). On top of that, I'm entirely too nice and forgiving. Though I've come across as the "bitch" to my new family, I'm still confused how that happened, it's okay, because I'm still going to keep trying. I don't give up on people. That can be good or bad, depending on the situation.
I have a homeless man's belongings in my shed even though he is somewhere 1400 miles away from me. Why? Because I don't give up on people. Ever. I haven't given up on my family yet, and I'm certainly not giving up on my extended family, either. I need to learn to compartmentalize better, to deal with these emotions as they come and not to let them devour my entire being.
I am fiercely unhappy these days, and it's hard sorting it out and deciding where to begin to make a change. I miss myself - my happy, bubbly self. I'm confident I can find her again. She's under there somewhere, under the pain, the anger, the pounds - she's there.
I've got too much good in my life to lose myself again. I've got too much at stake this time. This is the beginning of change.