Tonight.

There's a big girl in my house, sound asleep, curled up with her favorite stuffed animal, blankets tucked in tightly around her body in what she calls her bedtime "cocoon."

There's a little boy in my house, sound asleep, curled up with his favorite stuffed animal, blankets thrown on the floor because he likes his legs "chilly" when he sleeps.

There's a baby girl growing in my belly, who is kicking and moving more and more each day, who will complete our family in more ways than we can possibly imagine in just a few short months.

And me? I'm here. Relishing in the silence. Wanting to scoop each of them into my arms and whisper how wonderful and amazing they are. How very blessed I am to be their mama.

I sit here just thinking. The good and the bad. The amazing miracles in our lives. The struggles, daily, to make it all work.

Even though there are dishes that need to be done, boxes that still need to be unpacked, and a myriad of other tasks that need to be done, I still feel at ease.

What a welcome change!

I Dream...

Love got me thinking. (check out her blog - one of my most favorite reads!)

What do I dream of?

Happily ever after. Which is, really, much of my reality. Hard to believe sometimes. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Warm sheets and blankets fresh from the washer. Cuddled in bed together, kids and all. Our little family.

New shoes. Softball season. A college diploma.

A good book. A large fountain pop. Ben and Jerry's Snickerdoodle ice cream.

Getting closer to God. Letting Him mold these ideas that keep popping into my head and helping me find the path I'm meant to travel on.

Giving up my problems to Him.

Babies. And more babies. And more babies!

Shopping trips and singing in the car and lunch dates and playing dolls with my best girl.

Becoming a foster family. Adopting a baby who needs our family.

Creating a non-profit that really inspires change.

Cuddling and dancing and playing cars and coloring with my baby boy.

Letting myself feel the happy.

Forgiving. And being forgiven.

A house with room enough for us all to move about freely, but not too big that we forget to spend time together.

A date night alone with the man of my dreams, even if we never leave our comfy little house.

A fireplace. A window seat. A garden that is able to take care of itself because I often forget.

Notebooks. Pens. Stationary. Writing freely.

Post-it notes!

I dream of feeling even more loved and even more complete than I do at this very moment.

This isn't just a list of dreams...it's a list of what I'm grateful for. That sweet little girl, that precious baby boy. The husband who loves and supports my every dream and wish. The friends. The family. I'm so grateful.

I still dream for more. I'm working on putting in place the seeds to make these dreams happen.

It'll happen. I know He has something big in store for us. And if this is already it? That's pretty great, too. :)

A moment.

I stood on my porch this evening as I waited for my sweet husband to back our vehicle down the driveway for me.

It was cool, a bit breezy, but very comfortable.

The sky was a bit cloudy, but a few stars were able to find their way through.

I sighed.

It was a happy sigh.

Today we celebrated the life of our beautiful girl.

We had family and friends from both of our lives, all mixed together in our tiny house.

It was beautiful.

Such love and laughter.

I stood on my porch, gazing into the sky, and just thinking about how sometimes everything feels just right.

First day of school!

She made it! First day of kindergarten. Success!

I was so proud of her. We struggled for the better part of last year with tears in the morning. About half the time it was fake, but the other half was definitely real. I'm not exactly sure what prompted it or why it lasted for the entire year.

So far, this year, no tears!

She was visibly nervous. You could see it. We talked a lot about going to a new school, and how she won't be the only "new kid" since most of her class hadn't been to school before! We talked a lot about making friends and fun things she can learn. We've spent hours talking about the myriad of choices she has for lunch.

She was ready.

My little girl, all grown up and heading out into the world!

Okay, not quite, but gosh, it sure feels like it!

We made it to the school years.

We made it through the nighttime feedings and the diaper rash. Through the spit up and the uncontrollable crying. We made it through sleeping through the night (okay, so that might still be a work in progress...) and learning how to walk. Through all the "firsts" a new baby brings.

Now we have a whole new world of "firsts" and exciting things. And a whole new world of problems and conflicts she has yet to experience.

I'm pretty darn glad that I get to be the one to help her walk through it all.

She's my best girl.

Life Lessons.

I've been thinking this morning.

I started off angry. Somebody made judgements on people they had never met based solely off of their looks. I think it was some kind of veiled attempt at flattery, but the fact that this person thought making comments like that was okay really shocked me.

Weren't we all raised with the Golden Rule?

You know, whoever has the gold makes the rules...??

Okay, sorry, watched Aladdin yesterday, I couldn't stop myself!

What about not judging a book by it's cover?

What about treating others as we want to be treated?

What about just being NICE?

I thought that was a universal concept.

It amazes me how some people don't think like that.

I'm not angry anymore. I'm just very, very sad.

Part of what I want to change in this world is our perspectives on other people.

I want to help the homeless, the poor, the orphan, the disabled or the disfigured.

In our fun Disney viewing this past week, I also introduced my daughter to The Hunchback of Notre Dame. It had been awhile since I had seen it, so I wasn't sure if it was really age appropriate, but she begged and I was watching it with her, so we did it.

We had the most beautiful conversation about differences in people and how wonderful it is that we are all different!

We talked about how mean and cruel it was that people were yelling and making fun of Quasimodo.

We talked about how strong Esmeralda was to stand up in front of so many people and tell them to stop.

We talked about how what Esmeralda did was the right thing to do.

We talked about differences in appearances between people we know in real life. People with different color skin, different color eyes, different color hair. We noted that even her and I have different color skin.

We talked a lot about how people who look different than she does, especially in Quasimodo's case, are just the same as we are. They are people with feelings, and making fun of them is never okay.

Loving them is always okay, and is the right thing to do.

We talked about how calling Quasimodo ugly was hurtful. We talked about how calling anybody names was mean and hurtful.

We talked about what was different about Quasimodo. We talked about how nice he was, and she thought he was a good singer. :)

We talked about how those qualities were more important than what he looked like.

She grasped it, a little bit, anyway. But she's not yet five years old.

This is how it starts, however. I might not be able to change everybody's perspective of people all over the world, but I can do my best to raise my own children to be loving, kind, and accepting of all people.

Welcome, September!

September is here. And by the feel of the air outside and that wonderful breeze blowing through my windows, so is fall! The high tomorrow is in the 60s. Love it.

Goals are my thing. It falls into my obsession with list making. I'm attempting to set some goals for September.

Maybe not even goals, plans of action. Or something like that.

I returned to school this past week. It was such a great feeling.

One of my goals this time around is to actually GO to class. Regularly, even! Crazy, I know, but hey, apparently that's helpful! I'll give it a try, at least.

Going off of that, I really want to do well. I'm already a little overwhelmed with the amount of reading I have to do, but I REALLY want this. So I'll do it.

My girl goes back to school next week. It's a big year. I want to work hard to make sure she has all the tools she needs to do well. I don't want her feeling rushed, which happened a lot last year. This year her school is closer and starts at a later time, two things that will hopefully work to my advantage. I want her to succeed, and to love school like I did.

More than that, I want her to be happy. School makes her happy so far. I want that to continue.

Juggling everything is going to be the toughest part. My coaching job, school, the husband's job, the daughter's school, the boy being at home. It will be rough. I want to make sure that we each get to spend quality time with everybody. That includes me with each of the kids, the husband with each of the kids, and the husband and I.

It's so easy to lose sight of that connection when there is so much going on.

We've been doing so well. We're pretty happy. Enjoying each other's company. Making us a priority is important.

So, September, with it's new beginnings, it's crisp air and changing colors, it's apple orchards and bonfires, it's precious family time on the weekends - bring it on. I'm so ready for you!

I feel lost.

A month and a half later.

Life happened. A lot of life, really, and not so much.

We've had an exceptional summer. It was happy and lazy and man, was it hot...

It was our first real summer "vacation", as it was the first break between school years for my little girl. It was interesting, and exciting. School starts back up for her next week. I'm going to miss her desperately.

I have been catching up on my blog reading and Facebook stalking and have been finding myself constantly thinking, "I wish I had that" or "I wish I had done that" or "I wish I was a better mom like she is".

My little girl whispered from her blankets, "Mommy, can I have just four grapes?" To her surprise, I came back with four grapes. She gave me the biggest smile and declared, "Mommy, you are the best mommy ever!"

Sometimes I don't think so. But I'm glad she does.

I'm watching friends and past acquaintances do things with their life the "right" way. Graduate college, get successful jobs, get married, buy a house, have kids.

It makes me feel like I missed something.

But I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I just wish that sometimes I would realize how my life is the right way for me, no matter what anybody else says.

I have a lot I want to do and change. Things have to. We need it.

My heart, full and happy and longing...

What a wonderful week!

My husband has been home on vacation and we've had a marvelous time. I'll be honest, I wasn't entirely sure it would be so marvelous! Often when he's been home for an extended period of time, we have some not-so-pleasant moments between us. I need to stop expecting that, because the not-so-pleasant moments have become fewer and further between lately, and I'm enjoying it!

We went up north and visited family for a few days. My father-in-law and one of me nephews were in from out of town and we had such a great time catching up with them. Lots of swimming, fishing, and barbecuing! Lots of laughter and fun family moments, that's for sure.

And then just being home together. *sigh* I've loved it.

My daughter woke up tonight presumably from a night terror. We've had some issues with these when she was younger, and every once in awhile they come out again. She had one tonight, and her daddy was the first to jump up and help her come to. She then fell asleep in his arms and he carried her back to bed. I didn't have to ask, it just happened. She needed her daddy and he was there, no questions asked. I honestly got a little teary-eyed watching them - more teary-eyed then the sappy movie the hubs and I had been watching when the princess came out of her room!

Yeah, instead of playing a game, he sat down next to me and watched a movie that I'm pretty sure wasn't anywhere near his top 10 movies I must see before I die. He put his arm around me and we laughed and had a great evening.

This feels good.

I'm still aching in my heart for the expansion of our family. We've talked a lot. There are several different ways we are considering. I've planted the seed of possibility in his mind and that's gotten the ball rolling. We're not making any decisions anytime soon, but we're discussing. I'm all for discussing.

Now I'm off to do the dishes. I'm on a freakin roll with those damn things this week, and I'm not interested in losing the battle just yet! Down with the dirty dishes!!!

Hello, weekend.

It's 3:00am.

I should sleep.

I should clean the bathroom.

My baby has been potty-training this week, and, well, he's a boy.

It's not like he stands up to pee, but he sure does miss the toilet.

I've taught him how to wipe himself after peeing.

I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do or not.

I've never been a boy.

The husband may have to work on that at a later time.

I'm so proud of the boy!

I didn't think he was ready.

Just three days a go he came up to me and said, "Mama, potty!"

Who was I to disagree? So off we went.

And he did it!

He's been on a roll ever since. We're off to buy big boy underwear tomorrow.

My baby!! :)

I think it's time for another one.

Or twelve.

Or not.

We'll see how it goes, I suppose.

Hopefully the husband doesn't read that.

I was up late working on my softball statistics.

Then decided I was too tired and I'd finish in the morning.

So I got up and washed dishes.

My work is never done.

Hmmm, if he's old enough to pee in the toilet, he's old enough to wash the dishes, right?

One of his favorite things is to grab a chair and pull it up to the sink and play in the water.

I take that as a future request for that job.

No problem, buddy. Mama's got you covered.

There's a beautiful blonde curly-haired girl in my bed.

She loves me.

She needs me.

Still.

I'm hanging on to that.

But I'm almost whatever age I'm almost and I still need my mommy.

So there's hope.

She tells me often that she never wants to move out, even when she's 100.

I told her that's fine.

She can stay right here forever.

My smiley boy better have the same plan.

I don't want to let go.

82 days until I'm a college student.

Again.

I'm so excited!!

I wish I could go buy books now.

Patience isn't one of my strong suits.

Hmm, what else?

I'm madly in love with my husband.

That's probably a good thing, considering we're married and all.

But I do like him.

A lot, even.

Even on days when I don't like him.

Go figure.

I'm rambling because I'm sleep deprived.

HA!

Funny.

Not.

I should go to sleep.

Well, fine.

Good point.

What?

OKAY!

I'm going.

See you later, weekend.

Hi there, Monday!

I always have plans for these great blog posts.

I'll be driving somewhere and start writing the post in my head.

I get home, yeah, it's all gone.

What comes out is more of me rambling.

Sorry.

If you are surprised or horrified, you really should have read the title of the blog.

It ain't no lie!

My girl is heading into her last month of pre-school.

I'm excited for her to move on to the great unknown of kindergarten at her new school with new teachers and new friends and new experiences!

I'm also completely terrified.

I'm sending her to a bigger elementary school.

What if she gets lost?

What if she wanders off that playground? I drive by on my way home and always see kids playing near the openings and where the heck are the adults?

Is she going to miss me if she's gone all day every single day?

I'm not sure about this.

Yet I know she is so ready. I know that she will be safe. I'm in love with the school, the principal, and what they stand for.

I'm just not sure about my baby growing up.

My little boy is sick today.

He caught the bug his sister had been carrying around for a few days, I think.

She's so much better, thankfully.

The little man, not so much. He slept soundly, so hopefully today will be a better day (ya know, a little less vomiting in my hands, perhaps?).

I love how I can cuddle with both my kids at the same time.

What would I do with another one?

Oh, but my heart aches for more.

There's so much in my heart and my head for my life and for my family.

The husband and I are going to school, and we're going to achieve our dreams.

Our little house is coming together more and more each day.

Our babies are happy and loved.

We support each other.

I'm letting God deeper into my life.

I'm searching my heart for what is right.

Now my girl will be late for school because we have to leave in 20 minutes and I'm sitting here blogging away while she's snoring it up in the bedroom!

Mom, for the win.

Oh summer.

I'm so beyond giddy about going back to school.

I'm not sure that giddiness will continue once homework and papers and exams start piling up.

But for now, I'm giddy.

I wish it was September!

At the same time, I hope the next few months slow down a bit.

I want to enjoy this summer.

My little girl will be in school all day, all week, starting in September.

My little girl is going to a brand new school, starting in September.

This begins her real school life. She's in pre-k now, and she loves it, but it's just a few days a week, for a few hours.

Next year, it's all day, every day.

That's a lot.

It is another reminder of how fast she has grown.

My little girl.

With her big blue eyes, blonde curls, beautiful smile, and her imagination that runs a mile a minute.

She's amazing.

Summer will bring us lots of excitement.

Our first time in a t-ball league.

Her first time playing t-ball.

My first time coaching t-ball.

This summer will bring lots of baseball, just like it did every summer of my childhood.

There's something awesome about that.

This summer will bring visits from far away uncles.

That brings tears to my eyes. Oh how I miss those boys.

This summer will bring birthdays and BBQ's and carnivals and parties and swimming and park playdates and late nights playing in our backyard.

I love summer.

I will let my excitement for school go just a little bit, just a little so that I can enjoy my summer.

Life is so amazingly sweet.

Oh Sunday.

I think Sundays are made for rambling.

The girl and I went to church this morning. She was so very well behaved. I love when that happens.

We had a visiting priest. Some of the things he said really hit home.

One thing that stuck with me, something about not asking our spouse over and over if they love us.

Crap.

Guilty.

Why do I do that? Why do I question?

We had another rough day.

Us and weekends don't tend to mix these days.

I guess that's why I question.

I know he loves me. He knows I love him. We just have to hold on as we maneuver through this particular time in our lives.

I think we can do it.

We've been through worse. We've been through more.

It just sometimes builds up.

Like the dishes.

And the laundry.

I sound like a broken record.

But it's true!

With kids, those things just get pushed aside.

Not saying I stayed up on the housework before I had kids, either.

...but I'll just keep that my little secret.

I'm a softball coach.

I love it.

The girl came with me to practice today.

Yeah, I made them practice on a Sunday.

I'm mean.

Totally.

Not.

It was optional.

Seven girls came.

It was awesome. We played, had fun, enjoyed ourselves.

The girl had a blast. She hit the ball, ran the bases. The girls on the team cheered her on and played along.

I'm lucky to have not only a great kid, but a great group of girls on my team.

I'm trying hard to figure out a way to motivate and inspire my them.

It's not as easy as I'd anticipated.

But I keep trying.

That's the story of my life these days.

I just keep trying.

We just keep trying.

Memory Lane - Grandpa's Closet

Growing up, our grocery shopping didn't only take place at the grocery store. It often took place at my grandma and grandpa's house.

Monday was produce day. Grandpa would call and take our order the night before. He never wrote anything down from what I gathered. He'd always just count on his fingers how many items. Sort of reminds me of myself - I always make lists (because I have a ridiculous obsession with list-making!), but I can remember things just by counting them. Guess he rubbed off on me a little!

He'd also pick up other things for us, I especially remember hot dogs. I'm sure there was more to the weekly meat trip he made, but he always brought us back hot dogs.

If we needed anything, we'd go over there to get it from their extensive pantry. They were always stocked!

Needed toilet paper? Off to grandma and grandpa's house!

Grandpa also supplied us with our cereal. Now, I was a picky kid. I didn't like chocolate. My brothers loved it, of course. I didn't like anything with marshmallows in it. My brothers loved it, of course. Captain Crunch grosses me out!

My grandpa knew that. He always bought my favorite - Apple Jacks.

When we'd come over he'd ask if we needed cereal, and if my mom said yes, it was our responsibility to go back to grandpa's bedroom and go inside his closet and pick out which cereal we'd like. There was always a variety.

There was always a box of Apple Jacks in there, just for me.

This week I ate a bowl of Apple Jacks every morning and smiled.

I wish I could have gotten that box out of his closet. I wish I could stop by his house and send my daughter into his room to pick out a box of cereal. I'm sure that he'd purposely pick out a box of her favorite cereal every week, just like he did for me.

Instead, I smile, and make a note to buy cereal for my grandchildren one day.

You Capture - Feet

Feet = gross.

Until I had kids anyway. I find every inch of them absolutely amazing, even those stinky, dirty little feet!

The fact that those feet take them on adventures, lead them wherever they choose to go - plus, the baby has the cutest chunky little feet. :)

My girl loves posing for pictures...even if it's just her feet. I'm appeasing her, and she's giggling in delight!

Cuddled on the couch together in the morning. The girl is playing with her beloved "Catty" and the boy is wearing his daddy's hat - yeah, over his face. Still in pajamas, socks dirty from the adventures the night before.

After a particularly rough day for everyone (we were a house full of cranks!), we wound down by watching a little Backyardigans. The baby wasn't interested!

I love their little feet together.

Because the boy crashed out, I moved him to his bed and my girl and I curled up on the couch for some story time, just us. I love that she's so comfortable, she leaned her head on my shoulder, and propped her feet up on mine.

(completely unrelated, but we JUST painted the living room this weekend - isn't the blue lovely? I'm in total love, I so enjoy sitting in my living room now! The amazing things paint can do, not just for our walls, but for our spirit! But this picture reminded me we still have some loose ends to clean up - where is that outlet protector and nobody reattached that cord, hmmm? More projects for today!)

*sigh*

I'm determined to make today less of a rough day. We're a bit stressed. Things are a bit tight. But I vowed to my kids that today was going to be a happy day. Even though we had to skip out on the playdate we were looking forward to, we will still have a fun day together.

It gives me encouragement that even on one of our "cranky days" we still had little moments like in these pictures.

That gives me hope.