Faith.

Where to begin?

I feel nervous posting this. My heart is beating rapidly. Is it because faith is such a personal thing? Or isn't it, shouldn't it be shared?

This is my struggle. I struggle with what my faith calls me to do. If it even calls. Does it call? I DON'T KNOW!

See the struggle?

I've gone to church almost every Sunday (and sometimes Friday, during the school year when I was enrolled in Catholic school) for my entire life. I trailed off a bit when I moved out on my own and didn't have my mother guilting me face-to-face to come. I hadn't gone to church in several months a few years back, and I had gone to visit my grandma and she told me she wished I'd go to church, and that she prayed for me.

Wow. Somebody prayed for me? I pray everyday. Sometimes it's out of habit, I'm fairly OCD at times and I have to do things a certain way often. I pray whenever I see an ambulance, fire truck, or even a police car with their lights on. I pray when I know somebody is sick or in the hospital. I pray whenever somebody asks me to pray. My usual prayer is specific only in that I pray for forgiveness and I pray that my family and friends are watched over and taken care of and protected.

But pray to just talk to God? Um, not so much.

It's not that I don't want to. I just don't get it. I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I've come across some blogs that really make me think and dig deeper. I've read that God calls people to do things or give things or say things. How does that happen? Have I ever heard God? I don't think I have. Am I just not listening? I don't even know how to listen.

Am I just not capable of it? It's not a question of belief, I don't think. I'm very confident in my belief that God exists and God provides for me and it's God who has given me life and love. I've never questioned that. So why don't I get to hear it?

I read Linny's blog today, and it made me think. Honestly, I had to look up the word "tithe". I had no idea. I give when I can. I'll give every last dollar or cent in my purse, pocket, floor of the car to a person in need that I see on the street. I often go certain routes just to make sure that I see somebody who I can help, just knowing there's always somebody standing on a particular corner. I donate my clothes and belongings when I can, either to goodwill or to a family in need. We gave presents this past Christmas to a family who had none for their children, who posted on freecycle with their needs, and my 4 year old daughter helped me pack away some toys for another little girl her age. I give to church sometimes. We live paycheck to paycheck (and sometimes we're not even that lucky), and it amazes me that people in our financial situation can give regularly. How do they do it? I need to figure that out.

I could give more. I'm sure we could. Just...how.

I want to give of my time more.

I want to figure out how faith works in my life. I can give specific instances where I know somebody was there protecting us. A light bulb burst in a standing lamp that was directly over my daughter's head when she was a baby, and the glass fell nowhere near her. It wasn't possible, the glass should have hit her. But it didn't. Somebody was there, protecting her. I know it. But I need to know how my faith works in my regular day-to-day life, not just in specific instances. I know that one day, when we are financially better off and we have a house of our own, we want to become foster parents. I'm sure that to make that decision we had to have been called to it, but I don't remember a call, I don't remember anything like that. I just wanted to do it. When I go to school in the fall, I'm working towards a degree that will teach me and guide me to help people in need. Was that another call? It's taken me years to figure out what I want to do with my life - did I figure it out, or did I just finally listen? How do you know?

Reading Linny's post today made me want to write something. I know this isn't short and to the point, but I don't know that I have a point! I wouldn't know what to ask for, and I don't even feel worth of asking. I just know how I had to say something.

Today, right this minute, we are okay. Thanks to our tax return, our bills are paid, we have a new vehicle that fits our family safely, I have no wants. In a few months, we'll fall behind again, and we'll make ends meet like we always do, someway. We'll be going back to school in the fall (if all goes well, we both will!), it'll be challenging, but it'll help us in the future. We have no wants in relation to college, because as of now we both have enough grants and scholarships to cover the cost. The only thing I wish that could happen would be to send my daughter to the Catholic school she attends for pre-school, but the cost for next year is just outrageous. Even with the payment plan offered, we'd never be able to afford it. So I pray that the local public school will fit her needs and that I'll be put at ease, because I feel horribly guilty. Even if we had the money now, her grade for next year is full and there is a waiting list already.

So I don't know what I'd even ask for. I just am grateful for this post today, because it has made me think, and maybe by reading the responses and the requests I'll be able to figure out how so many people can understand and hear God.

I think I'd like to, too.

jennymfv@hotmail.com

You Capture - A Moment

I've never participated in one of these before, but there are several that I follow regularly with interest! Especially You Capture. I want to take pictures, I want to catch these special moments and have them forever!

This week's challenge was "A Moment". I debated how to go about this. What kind of moment? Something sweet? Happy? Messy? Frustrating? Messy AND frustrating? (which is more likely these days...)

Then I watched my children playing together and I just started taking pictures of them. These beautiful moment came out.

They are happy little people. They genuinely love each other, and are so loved by so many people. These giggly, tickly, "roar-y" moments (yeah, the boy child is roaring!) are so awesome.

Check it out: You Capture - A Moment

The Words.

I've been tongue tied a lot lately. Not even just when it comes to my blog. The words are just not presenting themselves in a timely fashion!

I feel... off.

I'm not sad or upset or angry, and for the most part, I'm happy and feeling good.

Except... not.

It's just the oddest thing.

It's now almost 2:00am and for the first time all day I have energy to clean. I just organized my desk and have my plans set for tomorrow's work day. Great!

Except... I was supposed to clean the living room.

Ugh.

I told the husband that I'd pick up the living room, maybe go crazy and sweep a little, and he promised to do some dishes when he got home from work. PERFECT, as I despise dishes.

Except... not.

Where the heck is my head?? I have a lot to do, yes, but nothing new has developed and I'm not feeling overwhelmed. Financially we are still feeling good (thank you, IRS, for your timely deposit!). Nobody's arguing. The kids have enjoyed being out in the warmer weather (except for yesterday, but I'll just pretend yesterday's crappy rainy freeze-your-butt-off day didn't exist!).

So what the heck is going on??

I threw the kids in the car this afternoon because the thought of washing the pan I needed to make dinner (because of course THAT was the one still dirty!) was just too much, coupled with the actual act of MAKING the dinner. I just couldn't take it.

As we drove around, I called the husband and said, "Something is seriously wrong with me."

And then I drove through Taco Bell.

Mommy fail.

Yummy, but... fail.

Now I cringe as I look at the clock because it really is almost 2:00am, and I have to get up in the morning to get the girl off to school, and then I have to do some real estate work, and then I have to work on my softball practice plan, and then actually coach the practice, and then I have to come home and make dinner, and oh crap what if I don't get a chance to wash that stupid pan, what will I feed those kids?

Right.

See?

Something is... off.

Mental overload? Can that be possible without actually feeling overwhelmed?

That's gotta be it.

Right?

Or...

No.

That's gotta be it.

That or I've officially lost it.

I sat by and watched the boy child color on the refrigerator today.

I sat and WATCHED. Then took the crayon away. After he had colored for several moments, all the while peering at me, obviously thinking, "Come on, lady, I'm over here coloring, aren't you supposed to come after me? What the heck is wrong with you?"

Good call, bud, what the heck?

Now that it IS 2:00am, maybe I should just take my non-productive-but-I-think-maybe-I-am-productive-but-I'm-probably-not-productive behind to bed.

Maybe tomorrow will be more productive.

Or something.

Reminders.

My life is full of reminders of things I need to do, things I've missed, things I wish I could do better.

I get frustrated when my youngest pulls all of the kid books off the bookshelf - and I mean EVERY book. I'm reminded that I don't have this parenting thing down pat yet and I wonder if I'll ever figure it out?

I practically pull my hair out when I see new crayon marks on the wall, despite the fact that I WATCH very carefully when they color, and I know I took all the crayons away when they finish. How did I miss this? I'm reminded there may be much more that I miss, and I pray that I'm only missing the hidden crayons, and cry that I may miss something much more important one day.

I smile thinking about the birthdays we've celebrated, and the exciting birthdays to come, and gosh, why do they come and go so quickly? I'm reminded that the days of excitement over birthday hats and balloons and sprinkled cupcakes are not here forever.

I smile seeing both sets of keys hanging - knowing that my husband is home safe and sound from work. And, wow, I'm reminded of how we've combined our lives and hearts in such big ways (our babies) and small ways (having keys to each other's vehicle). This makes me feel so grown up and just so darn lucky.

The sunshine inspires me. I'm reminded that there are opportunities and second chances and possibilities and dreams that can be achieved.

Some reminders render me speechless. So I just pray.

I'm reminded that I'm mom to a boy and mom to a girl, and how very different those roles are, and how very similar they are at the same time.

Oh, my sweet darling girl! Her daily beauty regimen at the ripe age of four includes a headband and pigtails, as well as an outfit of her own choosing. Today included black leggings, a navy blue skirt, a pink t-shirt, and pink Sleeping Beauty socks. Her creativity and excitement and beauty and wonder, oh, it's inspiring to watch, and makes me smile! I'm reminded of what an awesome gift it is to be her mother, and how more than anything I want to give her everything that I have. I don't want to let her down.

Little fingers playing with little cars. He's so very BOY, and it fills my heart with love and joy! I'm reminded that these sweet days of cuddling and kisses and "MY mama!" are passing quickly, and my heart aches. I had no idea how much I would love being mom to a boy, and how terrifying it would be, and how absolutely wonderful it would be, all at the same time!

A pile of shoes, shoes that carry my little darlings into their lives, helping them carry on adventures and fun, thrown on a floor that should be cleaned probably more often than I care to admit. I'm reminded that I need to give them adventures and fun more often.

Pre-school homework assignments. She loves it, she enjoys it, she gets giddy talking about how wonderful it is! I'm reminded that this is the beginning of her growing up and becoming independent. It's wonderful, and I'm grateful to be her cheerleader.

These moments, these reminders, the mess that needs to be cleaned, the laundry that needs to be done, the pile of dirty dishes, the spilled milk, the smiles, the giggles, the adventures and the fun...

....this is what makes every moment worth it.

Finding the words.

I've had some realizations this evening.

Too important, too sensitive, just too much to lay it all out there.

I've tried writing it several times and each time the words don't really describe the importance of these realizations.

I know what I want to accomplish in my life, I know that I want to solve problems and help people, I know that I will no longer let the opinions of others diminish my dreams.

That's powerful.

I am genuinely working on my self-confidence with my dreams.

Finally knowing it, really feeling it, I want to share it with everyone!

But I'm so scared that something so important to me, something I am so passionate about, will be judged and frowned upon.

Because it's so important to me and I am so passionate about it, I should be embracing my decisions and screaming them from the rooftops!

I'm getting there.

I used to be self-confident and outgoing and aware and accepting of myself.

Somewhere along the line that changed.

I'm regaining that self-confidence again.

Slowly but surely.

It's coming around.

I can do this.