Mama rambles at all hours of the night!

Some days I want to rip my hair out and lock myself in the bathroom and cry.

To be honest, some days I DO lock myself in the bathroom and cry.

But some days, I realize how absolutely lucky and blessed I am.

I'm not a perfect mother.

I've always struggled with that goal - wanting and trying to be "perfect".

I want my kids to be happy. I want them to know they are always constantly loved and adored for who they are.

I don't want to push my insecurities on them.

I want them to be healthy. I want to make them well-balanced meals. I want them to get enough exercise. I want to do the right thing when it comes to all the environmental things I am told I should be concerned about.

I want them to be safe. I want to protect them from cruel people who want to cause them harm. I want to protect them from bullies. I want to protect them from broken hearts and mean words spoken by friends.

I want them to have happy memories of their childhood. I want their earliest memories to be of mommy and daddy, happy, loving, all of us playing and smiling.

I don't want their earliest memories to be of mom screaming from the kitchen because the Baby Boy colored on the TV with some secret crayon he found and the Princess has asked for the 315th time why she can't have a cookie when dinner is 5 minutes away. Yeah. That was a pretty sight.

I want them to know how my heart sings when they cuddle with me. I want them to know how their smiles light up my life. I want them to know that no matter what, no matter what any family member or friend may ever say, no matter what they have heard, that mommy and daddy have loved each of them endlessly and constantly, and they were each wanted 100%.

Those conversations scare me. One day we're going to have to talk about that. I don't want them to think, even for a second, that they were anything less than loved and adored and wanted.

My life may not have played out exactly how I anticipated it would.

It's a million times better.

I want to do better by them. I need to do better by them. They deserve that.

I know I can be the mom I want to be.

I know they love me, and I know that we have way more good days than we do bad days.

I know it's normal when they are toddlers and preschoolers to have these moments.

I know these moments occurred in my childhood, and I think my mom is awesome.

So they will think I'm awesome, too, some day, right?

This parenting thing is HARD.

I'll quote from one of my favorite movies:

The hard is what makes it great.

Hmmmm...privacy?

I don't know how many people actually read this blog.

Anybody? Anybody at all?

I have great aspirations of sitting down and writing profound thoughts every day, and large quantities of people reading and commenting.

Well, okay, maybe not large quantities.

Just one or two.

And, well, FINE, maybe not writing anything profound, either.

But still.

I wonder how much is too much?

I've yet to use my kids real names. They have beautiful names, they really do!

I've yet to post pictures of them. They have beautiful faces, they really do!

How am I to know that I'm not giving away too much information? How am I to know that the serial killer of all serial killers happens to read MY blog, sees my kids faces, figures out where I'm from, and shows up at my house?

I've been reading blog after blog lately. The majority of them include both their kids real names and pictures. Some have just their names, others just pictures with code names. I'm seriously frightened about revealing too much.

So then what is the fun of having a blog? If I can't delve into my real life? Ugh. What to do?

Perhaps I'm over thinking it. I have a tendency to do that.

I've already apologized to my kids for their teenage years, when they are stuck with the extremely overprotective mother. I realize it's several years out, but the poor kids are going to have it bad.

Too Tired to Think!

My head is so full of thoughts. I'm in the process of cleaning my house, catching up on laundry and dishes, and working on several work-related projects.

My kids are wonderful. The husband and I have been getting along just beautifully.

Life is good.

If I could get past my exhaustion, maybe I'd be a bit more productive.

I totally earned the title of this blog!

Why is it when I am beyond exhausted I just cannot sleep?

I used my time tonight to comment on several blogs I read, organize my calendar for the week, make several lists of things that need to be accomplished.

Oh, I showered. That was exciting.

It's peaceful. The kids are both sleeping soundly. Which figures, really, considering I'm not sleeping. They only wake up every 20 minutes ALL NIGHT LONG when I'm passed out.

Hubby is home, I'm here on the computer (I'm Captain Obvious, too!), he's watching TV. He's worse than me when it comes to this sleep thing.

Last night was a very unhappy gluten reaction night. The Baby Boy was miserable.

Someday soon, I will touch on her gluten free story.

It's an important one.

I have to work in the morning. That is exciting! I'm taking phone calls in the office, and then showing houses. I'm very excited to do that, my clients are excited, too, which makes it so much fun!

6 months until I go back to school. I can't wait.

I'm starting to look at college options. Applications will go out by the end of the month. I wish I had been this excited 8 years a go when I was a senior in high school.

Time to be forceful with this sleeping thing. The morning comes quick. Usually only when I'm tired.

Parenting is Joyous!

My children can be incredibly sweet.

The Princess is so worried about the Baby Boy, she watches over him carefully and alerts me at the first sign of him even glancing at something that may have gluten in it.

The Baby Boy adores his big sister so much. He follows her everywhere.

They play so well together. We spent several minutes today each taking a turn making a silly face and the others having to copy it. It was so much fun, so much giggling occurred! The Baby Boy's faces were priceless, and the Princess could not stop laughing! It was wonderful.

They sat together today, in a laundry basket, the big sister teaching the little brother nursery rhymes.

Precious.

That moment, of course, was immediately followed by pushing and shoving trying to race each other OUT of the laundry basket. Then the little one climbed ON TOP of the big one as she crawled away from the scene, both of them screaming their pretty little heads off.

Precious, always precious. :)

A New Challenge!

I've been inspired to start a new challenge this year - I will set out to accomplish 10 tasks each month. Easy, right?

Well, we'll see about that.

So, my 10 tasks for January are as follows:

1. Organize my computer desk.

2. Write in my kids' journals once a week (thus, 4 times this month).

3. Call my dad just to talk.

4. Send care packages to my brothers (or their belated Christmas presents, haha).

5. Take my daughter out for a "Girl Day" (we haven't gone in awhile!).

6. Take the kids out to visit both of my grandmothers.

7. Clean out my car.

8. Apply for college. Again.

9. Pick a reading challenge and read at least one book.

10. Return the library books. (seriously...they really need to go back...)

Voila! I will check back in at the end of the month with how I did. I'm still going to work on the various areas of my life I talked about in my last post, but this gives me some small goals I can easily achieve. Or not so easily, depending on which task!

Goals O' Plenty!

Well.

I feel it.

That motivation. It's creeping back in. The excitement of a new year. New challenges. New changes.

Ahhh, that sweet scent of starting something new!

The key is grabbing hold of that excitement and running with it. I tend to get stuck inside the gate and never make it out. I end up wasting a whole barrel full of motivation, and it takes ages for me to recoup it all.

So where to begin? Where should this motivation lead me?

A couple places, perhaps.

This blog. I love writing in it. It would be way more fun if people read it, but hey, writing for myself is what I'm doing here, and myself is reading it, so score one for me! I also just joined BlogHer, which is very exciting, yet completely overwhelming. We'll see how it goes!

Myself. Physically. I woke up yesterday and was determined to make this weight loss thing work. It's going to take a lot of work and energy, but I really do want to be happy with myself again. I'm in a wonderful yahoo group with wonderful motivating women and I'm utilizing that support to its full capacity. I rejoined SparkPeople, where I can keep track of my food, water, and exercise. As writing is a tool I use to process things in my life, I've started blogging about my weight loss journey, as well. There's more to feeling better about myself then just the weight loss. I'm going to work on being happy with me just the way I am.

Myself. Spiritually. This has been a tough one. It's an area of my life I am very eager to explore.

Relationships. My relationship with my kids, with my husband, with my brothers, with my friends. I want to work on all of them. They are all positive relationships now, but I often don't give them the attention they deserve. Then there is the parental relationship, notably with my father. More notably with his wife. How that will progress, I have no idea, but I have to do something about it. I need more "Girl Days" with the Princess. I need more one-on-one time with the Baby Boy.

Books. Reading. Writing. I'm feeling the call! I haven't decided yet what kind of reading challenge I want to undertake this year - whether it be a goal of some numeric value by December 31, or something different like the Rory Gilmore Books Project. Also, I'm going to write. I pumped myself up for NaNoWriMo last November, but didn't get very far as November became the month of the big move. I think I want to take things in a whole new direction with my writing. I have some ideas, and I'm going to give myself the time to put the pen to paper and see what develops.

School. I AM DOING IT! I've had several conversations with my husband and I know now without a doubt I am ready to go back and finish college. I know what I want to do. I'm going to save that for another blog post, though. :)

Theatre. Before we moved to Texas, several of my theatre pals and I created our own group. It never took off quite how we envisioned it, but I think we weren't ready to really put the effort in that was required. I was the last to hold on to our little group, and when I moved, I closed it for good. Now I'm ready. I don't foresee opening it this year, but my goal is to really lay the groundwork. Do my research. Set the ball in motion.

Coaching. I haven't decided yet if I will return to coach volleyball in the fall. I enjoyed it much more than I had anticipated, and I've already been coming up with ways to improve my coaching for the next season. It all depends on my family and our schedules. I'm still hoping to coach softball this spring. My fingers are crossed.

Work. I don't know what I'm doing yet. Am I going to continue working in real estate? Let it go and work as an assistant from home? Just coach, and find another part-time job that fits around the husband's work schedule? I'm not sure. I have a lot more thinking to do.

Volunteer. I want to give more. My husband and I have reached out lately and given toys and coats to families that needed them, and it felt so good! I want to feel that feeling more often. I want my kids to learn the joy of giving. I want to help people (oh how my mother would cringe when I'd say that growing up..."I don't know what I want to be, Mom, I just want to help people!"...not that she didn't want me helping people, but the college I chose to go to unfortunately did not offer a BA in Helping People...much to my dismay!).

It's going to take a lot. I need this year, though. I need something to change. We, as a family, need this year.

Ok, motivation, don't let me down!

Hello, 2010 - can I have a do-over?

Yeah. Day ONE of the new year, and I'm already asking for a do-over.

It's a fair request, right? I mean, come on, you KNOW that when you play a game and mess up right off the bat you start over! Right? RIGHT?!?!

So, I want my do-over.

It wasn't a completely wasted day.

I started my new exercise/weight loss shindig today. That's a positive!

We moved in the extra dressers from the garage, I finished most of the dishes, we cleaned up a lot of the clothes that have been piling up because of the absence of the aforementioned dressers. All positives!

OK, so I was a little unnecessarily sharp with the kids today. Not often, but a little bit more than I needed to be. I'll take the negative on that one.

The husband. Yeah, that was a negative...

Mathematically speaking, I guess that's a wash. Two positives to two negatives...I'm still at square one. That would work if the weight loss and cleaning carried as much weight as my relationship with my kids and my husband.

Close, but not so much.

Thus why I need that stinkin' do-over!!

Come on, please, PLEASE, Mother Nature, Father Time, the New Year's baby, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, I don't care...somebody? Anybody? Please?

No?

Crap.